Alas, time goes, time flows, you know it's true, you, yes you, the reader of Sar's blog, my partner in crime, my inspiration, my thinspiration. I watch the wheels go round. I watch my body. I watch my weight.
I am not making any sense but I don't want to. I am fucking perplexed.
Backing up a little, yesterday was a good day. I saw J. at work and it was terribly awkward. We didn't talk. We didn't look at each other. I have no idea how we got here. So when I left, I texted him. We exchanged a few words, nothing worth noting. I don't know what happened, I don't get it, he won't let me understand, he won't see me. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
My guy friend G. (who has a girlfriend) picked me up and we went to the bar to have a couple drinks and catch up. It was nice. The last time we saw each other we were making out in some parking lot, this was right before he moved out of state to be closer to his gf. Yes, I already know I'm sick and twisted.
So we had a decent time, there wasn't any sexual tension, we didn't kiss; we hugged. But it was one of those hugs: you know, where 2 bodies are pressed tightly in all the right spots. I digress.
He drove me home. I immediately, desperately, texted J. I was missing him, I was frustrated, I wanted answers, but, more than that, I wanted to fuck him.
I said, "Can I come over tonight?"
He said, "My friend is coming over to smoke but you're welcome to join if you'd like."
I said, "When? If it's a girl I'll leave ya alone. I just wanna blaze."
He said, "I feel bad, it's my buddy from back home and I rarely see him."
I said, "You rarely see me. (I was drunk) but I got to see a friend I haven't seen since May so I understand."
That was it. He never replied. I lounged on my couch all dressed up in my skirt and tights and cardigan and jewelery. He didn't say another word, and I certainly didn't want to bother him anymore, and I felt ok, like maybe things were ok, because I said that I understood so maybe he took that as me throwing him an olive branch or whatever.
But I couldn't resist, as my eyes were closing I sent him one last text. I said "Sweet dreamz handsome coworker."
I love messing with people, I really do. It gets me in trouble and it gets me in fights. In J.'s case I'm just making him hate me, I think.
I'm so fucking pathetic. To make matters worse, everyday I've been getting random texts from every other guy in my life. Every time my phone rings my heart flutters and my blood drops to my feet and I think, "J.?" but it's never him. Never ever. It's C. It's G. It's the other J. It's fucking B.
He doesn't want me and I want him so bad.
Since I didn't end up going to J.'s last night, which was probably for the best seeing as how I had been drinking, I prepared some food. Surprise surprise. It was technically after midnight though so it's under today's food list. Last night I made 3 "chik'n tenders" which are vegan substitute-meat things (gross) (but good), toasted 2 slices of whole wheat bread, cut some tomato, and put it all together with 1 slice of low fat cheese. It was like a "chicken sandwich" but, obviously, meatless. It was decent, and I was still really hungry after eating it, but then some fullness crept in, and I went to sleep without indulging in anything else.
Today is Sunday. A day of relaxation. I have a few goals for today. I will do all laundry (working on it), I will clean up/organize/clean cat area, I will look over my agenda and see what's going on this week (appointment with lawyer, conference with professor, work tomorrow, assignments), I will attend a art gallery opening and AVOID the free wine, I will NOT contact J., I will NOT eat much else. I say "much" because I'm taking this day to make SAR feel better. If I want to eat something later I won't kill myself over it.
Today's breakfast: 2 blueberry wholegrain waffles (190) with extra blueberries (20) and real maple syrup (110).
Fuck that high fructose corn syrup shit they sell everywhere. Seriously, check the ingredients. HFCS is nothing you want to eat and it's in EVERYTHING cheap and bad for you. Check the ingredients, for realz, it'll offer some peace of mind.
For lunch: 1 slice whole wheat toast w/ a tiny amount of low fat butter spread (90) and 2 graham crackers (90).
Not too bad, and I'm really full. I won't be eating for awhile. I'll just be doing laundry and maybe taking a lil nap before I get cracking on all my shyt. Oh yes, and I'm currently blazing. Smoking and blogging go hand and hand, they really do.
Can you tell how loopy I am today? I feel like a big part of me is just losing it. G. was telling me last night how confident I seem. It's all an act. I seem that way. I am who I am, and she can pretend to be confident in certain situations. Other times I am so painfully shy and awkward. Who cares about me?
BTW this is my 301st post. Wow. Guess I can call myself a writer.
Stay strong today. Also, do something for yourself. <3
I know it's hard, believe me I know. But we are people, and we all need a little comfort sometimes. So, if you can, look into your eyes and notice how pretty they are. Just the eyes, just look at your eyes, and imagine someone in your presence, lucky enough to see your eyes without a mirror. Envy them for this. They get to see into your soul because eyes are passageways. Eyes are all beautiful, all of them. Look at yours and welcome someone to enjoy them as well.
Eat something you are truly craving. Ask yourself honestly whether or not this food is what you really want, or are you just eating it to eat something? Ask yourself, because you deserve to be asked. Say, "Self, what is it that I could make for you that would warm a cold part of you? What would you eat right now that could maybe combat a craving?"
Think about fruit. Think about almonds. Think about creamy greek yogurt with real honey (no high fructose corn syrup-CHECK LABELS). These foods are low cal and can really satisfy a craving for sweets and creamy things.
Listen to music. Music is everything. Music is there so we can relate to it, love it, mimic it, sing it in the shower; music is there for you and me.
Don't hurt yourself. Love yourself. I love you because you're a complex human being with individual characteristics. That's pretty freakin' amazing. You're a gift. I'm a gift. We have purpose.
We are here for a reason.
Stay strong against food, stay strong against hate, ignorance, and intolerance. Peace on Earth.
Also, think thin.
Because while we're here we have to be honest. Thin people: (1) Get treated better and with more respect (2) Make more money than their obese counterparts on the job (3) Are aesthetically pleasing (4) Are probably in better health, costing less health care dollars from others (5) Can buy clothes anywhere, because clothes are tailor made for the thin.
Thin = Hott
*s m i l e*
Thanks for Reading...
What a hilarious fucking bathing suit top. Haha : )
Plus, go her for rocking that top with confidence at her age!
Let's all be so awesome!