by Modest Mouse is a great song. There's a line, "you wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?" that describes the person I do NOT want to be. I will not waste life. Not one moment, if possible. I need to live like I'm free, which I am. Free and independent, blessed yet jaded. Which brings me to this week. Ugh, what a week it's been. I always thought my period week was the worst but I've changed my mind. It's the week after. The week after is when my hormones are on the move and I feel it!
I actually cried the other night. I never cry. J. and I were up until three in the morning going back and forth about why we shouldn't be together and emotions and just a whole bunch of stuff. As you can see, things aren't quite done between us. We're "friends" but there is something fishy going on. My intuition understands why he's holding back. He's not the only one, I'm holding back as well. Neither of us want a relationship but there is just this undeniable connection there. It's sad, really. And confusing.
It is six in the evening and I've ate one apple today. I'm really hungry! The idea of eating sickens me though, because I binged on Sunday & Monday. I know, I know. Terrible. The one and only good thing about binging (at least for me) is that I always manage to completely gross myself out. It's just...wrong. How much I can eat, that is. There is no stopping when "full". What the fuck is full? I eat until I hate myself. Then, I starve myself until I'm shaking and my head is pounding and I can't think straight and my stomach loudly growls, protesting it all.
The truth is, I can't fucking eat right. Even when I TRY. I buy healthy food and ignore it. I buy shitty junk food when I crave it and eat it until I decide I'll never eat it again, I'm so sick of it. Who eats until they hate food? Freaks like me and you, I guess. Ok. We're not freaks, we're products of society. My society bombards me with mouth-watering advertisements, drive thrus, vending machines, fast food, slow food, bad food, badder food, food, food, FOOD EVERYWHERE and it's really hard to deny the fact that we eat! We. Eat.
We have to eat and if we don't we die. I hate that about us, me, whoever. I hate food. Hate it. I hate food and I hate life when I eat. I hate life when I don't eat. I can't win.
I don't want to need anyone or anything.
I bought a winter coat today. Size *small*. It was originally $250, and I got it marked down for $111. Not bad! It's black, with buttons and it's trench style - very trendy. And warm. I like it. It's sophisticated.
Am I though? Am I this sleek sophisticate? I think not. I am a stoner slacker who blogs about food. LOL. My life is a joke.
In my lowly defense, I am into fashion. I love fashion magazines and make serious attempts at dressing well. That was one thing kinda good about the fire. I had to buy all new clothes, so of course right away I bought a bunch of cheap shit just to wear, but over the summer and this fall I've managed to get a couple cute things.
Sometimes all I can do is smoke a bowl and try not to hate myself so extremely. I'm at a point where, if something goes wrong, I literally yell at myself. I say, "you stupid idiot, dumbass, wow you're so fucking STUPID, goddamn you, die, you fucking cunt". Why Sar? Why am I doing this to me? It's so...hurtful. When I'm like that, it's not just words, I want to do something, I want to kill myself. I want to be dead during those moments.
But then, a few minutes pass, and I forget.My mind goes elsewhere, and then I remember later on, like now when I just recalled doing that earlier today. I just get so mad at myself. So critical. I want so badly to be perfect. I know this. I won't ever be though, and I have to constantly remind myself that no one is perfect and I am doing the best I can.
Wow, my head is killing me right now. Could be the smoke, could be the hunger, most likely it is just this stress I feel inside. I am stressed about EVERYTHING. I smoke to chill out but it doesn't always chill me out. The only thing that is going to work here will be me getting some shit done.
Thanks for the nice comments on my last post. I was really quite hurt by the whole ordeal, but J. apologized, and I'm thinking there's a good chance he made the whole thing up to "get back at me" for whatever I did on Sunday, which wasn't much, just me being my peculiar self and antagonizing a little. Either way, things with him are really weird. I am trying to forget about him, but he won't let me. We work together next Wednesday. Yay. And then he's supposedly leaving town to "pursue his dreams".
You know what I think? Every day is a chance to pursue dreams. It's not this thing in the future that you "do". It's now, it's preparation and perseverance. It's thinking and reflecting and making decisions. Life is what we make of it EVERY DAY. Because tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Stay strong, all. Peace out.