and never will be, it's merely decoration. It's ten in the morning and I was woke at six by a text from C. This whole thing between us is pretty ridiculous. We both have feelings for each other, he is just very up front with it. I choose to hold back (because as you all know I've been hurt in the recent past by wearing my heart on my sleeve) and he tries to pull it out of me. Well the truth is that we just don't know each other that well, but it feels like we do, because we've "known each other" for about a year.
Enough about that. I made my bed. I smoked a little, I did the dishes, I emptied the garbages and cleaned the litter box. I can shower now. Except, I'm dying for a cigarette. I know it's a terrible habit and have been SORT OF trying to cut back. It's fucking hard though, there are just so many opportunities to smoke... I have daily traditions in place that I don't necessarily think of until I'm in the act. For example, smoking a cig on the way to class or work. I ALWAYS do this so when I don't, I feel like something is missing. Something IS missing but I just don't want to freaking get lung cancer or some shyt so I might as well try and QUIT! or, CUT BACK!
But I might go outside and have one real quick, before my shower so the smell is washed away.
I am fasting today as you might know if you read last night's frantic post. I was gross this weekend and MUST make it better! Ugh I can't blame my period, as much as I want to. I was just emotional this weekend, or something, who cares?
It's a new week and I've got tons of shit to do but at least I am starting it off with a clean apartment and a fast. I have class today and then work so I will be on the go. I'll be thinking of you, and C. who is supposed to call me tonight so we can YET AGAIN try to make things better, because the last two times we talked on the phone were a little tense. We are fine, it's just a matter of making some plans. He likes plans. He likes knowing he's going to see me. It's a little intense and I must continually tell myself, it's okay, nothing major is happening, this is fine, this is safe.
I am so neurotic.
Think thin today, or fast with me! I'd love to come home later tonight to some support so I can keep up the good work! My stomach is already grumbling, well whatever stomach! You ate enough this weekend it's time for a break!