well hello

well hello

Sunday, November 21, 2010


Where were you this week? I DID fast the day of that last post, but no support, no comments, and I am pretty sure I eventually caved and ate something because I thought to myself, no one cares. Rightly so.

This has been the week from hell. On Monday, while I was working (with J.) a car fucking CRASHED into the building, leaving us all in shock. J. came over after work and we smoked a blunt and talked about the madness. On Tuesday, I bought a frozen pizza and ATE THE ENTIRE THING. On Thursday, I did the same thing...that is, bought ANOTHER frozen pizza, cooked it, and ATE THE ENTIRE THING IN ONE SITTING. Followed by laxatives, like a champ. Do you care to know the calories in one whole Freschetta Spinach and Mushroom pizza? 1230 calories. Times 2. (Yes I bought the same pizza twice). Plus all the other shit I ate this week? Luckily it was stretched over the days but bottom line, I NEEDED YOU and you were not here.

Story of my life.

It's been three hours.
I did three loads of laundry. I ate one slice of toast with some peanut butter & banana slices [220] and drank some green tea. I have not showered but I have smoked. I was mad earlier, at myself, at "you", whoever that is; I am still angry, only just not so much. I spoke with my mom about various worries and anxieties (never food though, definitely don't talk about that with anyone) and it helped a little. We're all getting ready for a HUGE family get together.

I just need to finish this post. It is now a *day* later. I am sitting here again, smoking, and about to take a shower before I go to work. I have not smoked a cigarette since Thursday. That's a good thing. I am craving one, but I really can't afford them and should not buy them.

Just now I stood up and walked around for a minute. I'm losing it. I have no attention span, and something is going on with my keyboard, or maybe it's my fingers, or maybe it's my computer. I don't know, either way something is wrong and it freaking blows.

You know what else blows? I have not been laid in MONTHS! Oh mygosh soooo long. The last person was T. I just took a second, looked away, and thought back to when we had sex. I am unsure exactly what month it was, but it was at the beginning of the year. It was so private and sensual. Sex really is huge. It is as close as two people can be. It is an invasion, and I am realizing that I really equate sex with love, because there needs to be some sort of trust. I feel sickened, dirty.

I need a shower. I hate myself for wanting sex but I am horny, damnit! It's been a long time, but there really isn't anyone I could do it with. C.? No. J.? No.

I'd obviously do it with T., but he's still with his girl. Living with her. Having emo pictures of him and his girl being taken and put on facebook. I hate him but I'd be with him again in a second.

Perhaps this is holding me back.

I hate admitting reality, I'd much rather live in Sar Land.. Too bad so sad. I have to PARTICIPATE IN LIFE but I don't, I just have not been. I've blown off every counseling session for at least a month now. I *was* rescheduling but the last time I just didn't bother. I don't want to sit there and talk. I want to be better by myself.

Some friends of mine from back home were supposed to come visit me here in College Town this weekend, but I canceled it. I just want to be alone with my e.d. It's so fucked....

And home alone, I've been. I am always alone. The cat's here but he's not a person. I talk to him sometimes but he doesn't talk back.

I skipped a bunch of classes last week, and every week. I didn't turn in a paper that was due on Friday, I just skipped and didn't email my professor and didn't bother writing it. I keep telling myself I will, but it's already Sunday and I'm going to work and I just don't feel like using my brain.

That's what this all comes down to. I am lazy as hell and it's killing me and making me fat. So fat. Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

I just stared at the screen as I was typing those three evil letters over and over with a space in between. It's like barring my soul, I guess.

I had so many dreams last night, all of them blurry. I can't remember them. I take it as a sign that I've been smoking far too much weed. Well what the fuck else can I do without my cigarettes? Oh Lord I crave them. Should I buy some?

I am going nuts.

Think thin. I am fasting today. I have been using this weekend to "repair" the damage of the pizzas. I have been restricting but I need to just fast today. It'll be easy because I'm going to work, and I never want to eat there. I'll be back later.

Oh yeah I lost two followers. I was surprisingly hurt. Fuck it. I don't need "followers" -- or do I?

Guess I'm not "pro-ana" enough. Well you know what. I am pro-nothing. I am a fucking lunatic and would not wish my current state of affairs on anyone. I wish I could eat normally. I know that I never will. I wish I didn't obsessively count fucking calories in my head, after everything. I wish I could keep food in the house, like a normal person. Ha! If it's there I want it. I hate it and I love it and it's so fucked fucked fucked and sometimes I just don't want to write about it! E.d. is already taking up enough space in my head, can't I use this place to clear my fucking thoughts?

I realize I have sounded somewhat harsh throughout this post, but it's okay because this is my little page on the web and I can say whatever I want, dammit. Thank you to the U.S. Constitution! Free speech babes!

Except this isn't speech is it? It's a fucking figment of your imagination. I don't exist.


Lina (of Flushed) said...

If I were the fasting kind of girl I would have totes been there! But I'd feel like a total hypocrite trying to encourage you to just drink water while I'm munching on hummus and veggies. :/

i wouldn't worry too much about followers, i think it says that I have like 260 followers or something? Yeah right, how much you wanna bet like 3 people read my blog! Plus, if people are not following you because your not "pro-ana" you prolly don't want to hear their comments anyway?

Pro-Ana is a gimmick. Anorexia is a disorder. Wanting to be thin and wanting to be anorexic are two different things. (The way I see it anyway)

Whatevs. I'll stop blabbering now.

(this comment was wine fueled. in other words, I cannot be held fully accountable for the stupidity it may or may not entail)

I'm still reading!!!!! I count!!

Sarah said...

I read your blog every day. I'm not following it because I lurk. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

We are here, and you're not a failure. Every day you wake up, you're not a failure.

As far as everyone else? Man, seriously? Fuck them bitches.