I am SO mad. MaD. mAd.
Last night my goal was to get as fucked up as possible so I drank 3 glasses of wine and smoked copious amounts of marijuana. I even smoked a cigarette. Here's why:
Yesterday after work I went to Wal Mart. I was looking for mini scissors to trim my eyebrows with but ended up on a shopping spree of sorts. I got some pajama pants and hair gel and other assorted items. Hardly any food just an Amy's organic tv dinner and some yogurt. I bumped into 3 of T.'s best friends. I see them everywhere, and he's never with them. Yes T. the person who has got much space on this blog and time on my mind in the last year. Isn't that pathetic? I wanted to know exactly when I last had sex so I went searching through my words and posts over the months. It was February. Almost a year ago, jeez.
My point is that I am not over T. I guess. I saw his friends and awkwardly said hello. I looked for him and he wasn't with them. I texted him, stupidly. He did not answer, obviously.
Guys this is serious. I need to let him GO. I almost cried last night, after I saw them (T.'s friends) I got myself thinking about things and taking a familiar route towards thoughts of him and us. It is so DAMN STUPID. And the best part? Alllllll along, since him and I left each other in April, I've been seeing other men. He's been with his girlfriend and they're in "love". Fuck love.
So I wrote an emo fucking letter to T., which I'll never send. I smoked a little. I used el bano. I ate one yogurt (100 calories) and am feeling considerably thinner than yesterday. I went to bed hungry and woke up due to hunger. I hate hunger. I hate food.
I need serious help. I won't get it though, because it's like I am afraid of being okay. How strange to type that out. Why wouldn't I want to be okay? Probably because a troubled life is all I've known. So I'm used to getting the shaft in all situations.
The truth is that I have a lot to be grateful for and happy about. My parents are still alive and still together. No one in my immediate family is suffering from terminal illness (at the moment, knock on wood). I am not deformed or mentally handicapped. I am attending college in America. I am not living on welfare. I have a job (temporarily). I have a pet (which has it's benefits and disadvantages). I am not deaf or blind. I am not "ugly". I am not diseased. I am actually in a pretty good spot, it seems.
Maybe there's even more positives. I guess it's good to put myself in perspective. I am feeling so down today, it could be the gray skies and rain, it could just be my brain chemicals.
I am ready for another hair change. Right now it's highlighted. It's just growing so fast, and I think I'm ready to go dark. I will probably do that over Thanksgiving break, hopefully.
Oh man, thanksgiving: a time of gluttony and feasting. Sick. I will do my best to fast the entire day until the meal. I will only eat vegetarian food stuffs and little portions; no one will be watching, they'll all be helping with the baby (my nephew!). Maybe I'll just fill up on wine and salad, no one will be the wiser. Yup. I've got a plan.
I am not afraid. I can do this. I need to stay thin and be thinner. It's a good way to not hate myself.
Today I am getting coffee with C. We'll see how that goes...
xo ~ Sar