Then came time to deal with some medical bill bullshit, and my frustration peaked as I reached automated recording after helpless service rep. Needless to say my eyes are not quite done flinging tears out at my face. My desire is to get as fucked up as possible tonight.
..and then my mom knocks on my door to tell me that the Dr. ordered another fucking CT scan for my dad, he's sick again.
Jaw to the floor, too stunned to speak. This year has been a hard one for our family and it's not over yet.
No, we do not get along. Our relationship sucks but he's my dad and I live here with them. I am so ANGRY at the world and ANGRY at myself! I was sobbing so hard that I started hyperventilating and I saw the black creep in around my eyes. I felt a stabbing pain inside and my whole outer body was shaking and weak.
In an attempt to gain control I made some tea and in conversation looked my mom square in the face. I said, "I would rather be dead than live this nightmare of a life. If I wasn't such a coward I would have already killed myself". Do I mean it? Is it bad to send those words out into the ether?
I'm sitting here, hungry, but smoking my first pipe of the day. J. texted me earlier asking if I wanted to get a drink. I might, even though we just hung out last Thursday.
I just got up and looked in the mirror at my solemn face. My skin shows sign of stress. My eyes are red-rimmed and sad, but also slightly vacant due to the puff of pot. Do you ever just look yourself in the eyes? Do you smile or give a dirty look?
God, what a depressing post. My life is not as terrible as I make it sound. All will be alright. I need to find religion again. I must stay positive. Dad will be ok. I will be ok. The family will be ok.
My weight is the same as yesterday. After today I expect it to be down even more.