Moving

Howdy. I've been holing up in my apartment in College town for the past two days, alternately binging and starving, smoking mucho verde, and just being lazy. Tomorrow is moving day. Today I started packing. Packing sucks, but like Mom says, "it's a good way to get organized." Organized, my ass. I'm perfectly organized. Losing all my possessions ensured that I'd never be weighed down by thousands of meaningless material items. I have what I need and what I want and I like it that way.

My tongue tastes gross and metallic-like. My stomach is in knots combined with super strong urges to go. Ahem. I'll admit I like that, I always feel thinner after a few minutes in the bathroom.

I know that I'm stressed about moving but something else is going on. J. has been completely ignoring me for a week now. Absolutely and completely. I've sent him a few messages over the days and gotten no response, whatsoever. Fuck him.

Good riddance, J. We're leaving this town but not together. I hope the memory of my face or a funny thing I said gives you hell.

I just stood up and smoked a cigarette. It did not help my stress at all. I stood there, smoking, panicking. It just took me so many tries to type that, my fingers are shaking like mad. Maybe I should eat something. LOL. Nah.

Oh you guys, can you just come pack my shit and move for me tomorrow? 

In other news, I've got 100 followers. Thanks. That's a nice even number for me to contemplate. You all are so sexy.

I'll get back to my shaking and packing and downloading music and smoking and pacing. Wish someone was here to give me a hug or a slap across the face.

Think thin.

Xo 

Sar

She's got chubby thighs and arms. Don't be like her. Be like her:

Skinny arms and legs win. Always.

At least moving burns calories.

Peace.

The Fear

I did not binge on Christmas eve or day. Last night before I went to sleep I lifted my shirt and saw my ribs. I hate the way my mom says, "anorexia" ("anoREXia"). I saw "Black Swan", finally, but it triggered the most intense panic attack I've had in awhile. I flew home in a paranoid haze; I sat here, breathing hard and rocking back and forth, trying my hardest not to puke all over my parent's pristine bathroom for a good two hours last night. I finally calmed down a little, went to sleep, just woke up, and here I am.

See the movie if you like thinspo and having your mind fucked. I am seriously having a racing heart again so I can't really talk about it, but I went alone to the movies, and I think that contributed to my anxiety. There's a first time for everything right? I just wanted to see it, and didn't feel like having company.

Last night I chewed up my lip due to my tension and hunger, probably. I was so proud that I did not binge. There was tons of food and dessert here. It's just not worth it to me, I feel like a fat cow.

I dyed my hair :) It's dark now, which makes me look way better.

J. and I are not talking at all. I feel like my friends are not really my friends. I'm still at my parents house but heading home today to start packing, and THEN later this week I'll be moving away from College Town for the last time.

Going to be busy but Lord knows staying busy burns calories.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and stayed far, far away from the plethora of desserts at your disposal. They're just not good for you, ok?

Think thin...

Xo 

Sar

Unforgiving

I'm supposed to be packing, because it's a few days before Christmas and I am expected at home, but I'm not. I'm sitting here, smoking and listening to good music. I'm sipping some tea and making a list. No food yet, it's already after noon.

Looks like I won't be seeing J. until after Christmas. I'm not upset. OK, yes I am. Of course I am. This feels all too familiar though. I read some old posts from right around this time last year, and I was pining for T. like I am currently obsessing over J. However with J., it's like a detached attachment. Does that make sense? Maybe I am just using him as a distraction for my ever-changing thoughts. I am focusing on him instead of focusing on my future. It's like I'm willing to sit back, contentedly, while my (future) husband brings in the bacon mucho dinero.

Really Sar? A housewife? That's your ambitious plan? HA! What a joke I am.

To be perfectly honest I've been feeling pretty down on myself lately. You wouldn't think so, what with college coming to a close and whatnot, but I really just have experienced so much self-loathing as of late.

Today, my neck is killing me. I slept on it wrong, that's what happens. It's a reminder that my body is in fact aging. Sick.

ENOUGH NEGATIVITY, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!

This post sucks. I don't suck. Nope! Haven't sucked anything in almost a freakin' year. What is WRONG with me? The only action I get is in my dreams. I guess I just push every possibility away.

The farthest J. and I have gone is kiss. A little tiny bit of dirty texting, but nothing more. It just PROVES that he is not as attracted to me as I am to him. Disappointing! I must remember that I can't change people. I must also get thinner! Because who doesn't like a skinny girl?

I must say I was looking great over the weekend, nice and thin. Bony even. However I've been eating a little more the past day (yesterday only) because I am about to leave this place for almost a week & I didn't want the produce to go to waste. I can see where it shows is my point.

The only way to be as skinny as I want to be is to not eat. It's so fucked up but eating anything causes me bloat! Even veggies! It's soo weird.

I'll leave you on that note. Think thin. I'll probably be updating regularly once I'm home because there will be constant food temptation there. I just need to be smart.

Peace

&thinness

are my

ReligiOn.

Xo ~ Sar

Amazing

To the anonymous commenter: Welcome! Thanks for commenting! Yes, I am perfectly aware that I'm crazy, no need to point it out :p

Well bloggers...I'm done.

DONE!!!!!!!!

No more college. Ever. I'm fucking finished and I feel sick! I can't believe it, actually I can. This has been six years in the making. Yes, I took my time attending community college (for my a.s.) and then university (for my b.a.). There's no set time to complete two degrees.

So here's what happened. You remember my last post, about "lessons learned"...I was devastated but secretly excited that I was "off the hook" for that project. Well the very next day (yesterday) my professor emailed me saying that she would "give me a break" and gave me until Friday (today) to turn something in. I, of course, responded professing my thanks and gratefulness. I didn't do shit yesterday though, haha. This morning I had my last exam in a philosophy class, and then I went to the library, popped an adderall, and banged out a power point presentation and a paper.

I barely got it turned in on time (she gave me until 3:30) but it's turned in. The terrible part? I didn't even read it over or revise it or anything. I just wrote. Bam. Done.

So that's good news regardless...turning in a shitty project and paper is better than nothing at all. So that'll help my grade and GPA.

And now I sit here, done with all school work forever, and I'm shaking and my stomach is in knots and I have "cried" a few times, more like emotionally up-heaved, and I've talked to my mom, dad, and sister. I've texted a bunch of people. But the only one I can be this honest with is you. I looked forward to telling you this.

I have acquaintances. Hardly any friends. You people are all out there somewhere and can't exactly give me a hug, but the weird thing is, that's what I need right now.

I need a freakin' hug. It's almost hilarious.

If it wasn't so sad.

My shoulders ache for touch, my brain yearns for the rush, my skin craves contact.

I feel...[insert random emotion]. I also can't eat. I don't want to eat. Today's calories: 120. It's 5 at night.

Now I'm chillen at this table smokin' a bowl. I keep leaving this post and going to pet my cat. I am showing him as much love as possible, for putting up with my coldness lately. It's not that I've been ignoring my kitty, just not as playful and happy around him. I yell at him, well I am training him still. He's only one and a half. Anyone else out there with a cat?
Anyway, from now on I will make it a point to play with him more. He's mine, after all. It's the least I can do.

What to do tonight? It's friday, go figure. My night of "wanting" to hang out but I'm just so far away from it all, I don't always want to drive out to the bar. I think I need to do some deep reflection.

J. just texted me. Ugh, damn him!

Him and his hott asssssss...j/k

Not really.

I'm baked & need to end this. I've wrote a lot today. I love you all and just always remember to follow your dreams :) Stay strong!

Xo Sar

Lessons learned

I made a huge mistake today. It pains my heart to type this, but I just discovered it, and I need to get these feelings out because they're toxic to my insides right now.

That last project I talked about in my last post, earlier this afternoon? I didn't do it. I also did not go to the exam period where we were supposed to turn them in. I emailed my teacher at 4:00, when I was supposed to be there, and asked if I could turn it in tonight. She just replied, saying no, it's too late. She'll pass me but "it won't be a grade I'll like".

Of course now, after getting it out and waiting a minute or two for this to process I feel this small golden sigh of relief. Now one exam stands in my way of graduating, and that is on Friday...so I have some time to chill and study. The pressure feels off but this is seriously quite the burden to bear.

I don't know what came over me. Actually I do, I was upset about J.
How could I let a boy affect me so much?
How could I let down this teacher, who I've looked up to for two years?
How could I blow off the exam?

The answer is I've done it before. I skipped final papers and just said to hell with it. I have no problem giving up. In fact, it's too easy to convince myself that it's a good idea,

I was just so tired, it would have been shit anyway.

So there's my big mistake, you heard from me before and after. What went wrong? I just went to sleep in between posts, so that's that. I chose to rest.

My soul needs rest. I must check off these stresses sitting on my mind. I must do something to pull out of this depression. The thing about depression is that sometimes you get comfortable with it, you tell yourself that skipping out on the world and living is fine. You sleep the problems away and have terrible, sexual, vivid dreams and wake up sweating, heart racing. You avoid conflict by shutting down and it's ok with you because, hey you're not dealing with anything.

Living shouldn't be a waste but I waste it.

Living should be enjoyable most of the time but I rarely smile.

I laugh when pretty little boys crack me up, like J. Only he's not pretty, he's a fucking god.

Fuck it.

I managed to eat two burritos made with whole wheat fiber-filled wraps and organic refried beans with chilies and spices. I added a small amount of shredded cheese, lettuce, and salsa to each.
Total calories [540].
+
Then I had a "spinach souffle" [175], 3 "chik'n nuggets" (meatless) [150], and 4 peeps [110].
Total calories [435]
=
Total calories for the day [975]

And it's only seven at night

I feel like a heifer. J. still hasn't gotten back to me. My neck hurts in a weird way, it's like tingly or pinched or something. My back aches. I'm tired but this is a strange time to go to bed.

I guess I'll just do what I always do. Smoke & watch tv/surf the net.
It's all killing me.

Think thin

Empty eyes

I did it. I wrote 11 pages in about 6 hours yesterday morning, fueled by the 67 messages J and I had sent to each other throughout the night and also by the Adderall chugging through my system. I attempted to drive to campus so I could print it out and turn it in and got stuck in the snow leaving my driveway. Luckily, my neighbor's ex was dropping off their kids just at the moment and he pushed me out. So I get to campus and all the computer labs are closed. The minutes are ticking by and I'm panicking, but getting lots of exercise due to my fast walking from building to building. Finally I get the paper printed out and run to my classroom; I get there and it's empty and dark. I'm sweating and flushed at this point. So I ran to my teacher's office. She was there; she gave me attitude, but whatever...it's turned the fuck in.

I headed home after fueling my car and proceeded to get STUCK AGAIN in the snow, this time pulling into my driveway. Omg. So I kept trying to get out and kicking the snow under my tires but nothing was working. I called the snow plower guy who does our driveway and he was able to come in about 20 minutes. It was ridiculous. I went inside and kind of crashed, but didn't sleep.

J. ended up coming over. We smoked and had 3 glasses of wine (finishing my bottle). I didn't realize he had to partake in a conference call last night, and he left way too soon. We hugged, so briefly. I don't even remember it because it happened so fast. So I'm sitting here after he left; over-tired, drunk and high, and I started crying real tears. I rarely cry. I am crazy about him but he just wants to be friends.

So OF COURSE I was dumb and pulled out my phone and said "come back!" and he said "what why I can't." and I said "after your conference call." and he said "i can'tttttt and i have no gas in my car." and i said "so get some." (In his defense he lives 20 minutes away)

He never responded. I passed out for maybe 30 minutes and then picked up that devil, my phone, again. I sent him a semi-long message about feelings and shit and he never got back to me. It is now the next day (Wednesday) around noon. I just texted him AGAIN saying "hope you made it home safely last night." and that's going to be it. I realize that he needs to be in control, well I am more than willing to sit back and let him be. I seriously would do anything for him, and he might know that. I am starting to get to know him better though and I realize that I can't bug him with millions of messages. The ones I've sent since he left were sincere enough that I'm not worried about it.

Did I mention that I gave my two weeks notice at my job and he did it the same day? Him and I are going places, but not together :(

In other news I've been basically starving myself. I look pretty thin today. My appetite is not here. I think of food and then realize that NOTHING sounds good. Yesterday I ate about 500 calories, if that. Actually more than that because I had some wine last night, which hit me like a sack of bricks, dang.

Today so far has been nothing and the day is already half over. Food is not looking appealing at all and I'm grateful for that. I think it's just a combination of stress, exhaustion, adderall, and heartache. Yes my heart aches for J. I've never met anyone like him. I hope he is always in my life.

I am sooo tired. I got about 8 hours last night but wish I was still in bed. UNFORTUNATELY I have ANOTHER project due today, my God, let this week be over already, please. 2 things stand in my way of graduating: this project and my final exam on friday. I can do it, right??

Thanks for the nice comments. It really is encouraging that you have faith in me. I <3 you for that. And for reading all this madness. My fingers fucking hurt from all this typing lately (blogging and papers plus my usual internet searching). OK. Time to end this.

Think thin today. I just keep reaching down and feeling my hip bones. Those little guys motivate me to keep pushing hard on this journey to thin. I am thin but I want to be thinner. Stay strong, please. Don't be gross.

Xo Sar

Sleep deprivation

I'm so tired I feel sick. I got home from work and bull-sh!tted around for a few hours, and then slept for about two hours, and now I'm up again, with a foggy brain and I'm really just hoping someone will please hand me my paper on a silver freakin' platter. K? Can you bring it over in the morning?

No? Well fuck you! I am in a bitchy mood and I would give anything to just curl up in bed. THE END RESULT is what I need to focus on but it's hard, because I really should NOT have waited until now to start this. I don't even have a fucking topic. I have a few random sources and I just fucking hope I can pull this off without getting sick as a result of no sleep.

Work with J. was ... intense. We texted a little when I got out; he said that sometimes he just doesn't want to be on his phone, which I completely understand. He said "he expects nothing from me so I shouldn't expect anything from him." Right...well I don't J. I have no expectations. I don't even hold myself accountable for half the shit I do. I just don't know anything right now.

Thanks for the nice comments on that last post, it really makes me feel good to feel that connection with you guys. As we all know I'm quite the loner so knowing that I've got some peepz out there feels really special. 

Can you tell by reading this how exhausted I am? I screwed today up, big time. Well, yesterday technically. It is officially Tuesday now. Fuuucckkk. I need to start this. I have my adderall to pop so I know that will help, I just feel apprehensive about taking other's prescription pills sometimes...like I worry that my heart will stop or something equally freaky. Maybe it will maybe it won't either way I need to quit bitchin' and just do the damn thing.

Lots of cursing tonight, sorry about that. I know I'll feel better tomorrow, once this is behind me. Once this paper is done I can focus on my last project (due Wednesday) but it won't be as mentally straining as this one so that's something to "look forward to".

Ohhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Ok!

Well good night darlings and hit me back, just to chat, sincerely yours, your biggest fan, this is Stan.

Just kidding it's Sar.

Xo

THINK THIN!!!!!!! <3

The longest time

It's snowing again and I'm freezing. Don't you just love those days when you can see your ribs through your back? :)

That paper I was freaking out about last time I posted? Got it back today. 91 :) Alas, I am still feeling hellish, I have another (my last forever) paper due at 1:30 tomorrow afternoon. Fuuuccckkk. I work tonight, and I hope I make it out there -- it's a freakin' blizzard...wish I had a freakin' blizzay. Feel me?

I am so high, I am really happy I did good on that paper. That's what 8 hours of adderall-fueled creativity will get me. I have to do it again tonight after I get out of work. My stomach feels sick just thinking about it. I'm so nervous and in disbelief. Am I really about to finish college? In the next few days? (This is finals week)... I feel sickly bittersweet and shocked and anxious but also excited and contemplative.

Anyone else about to graduate? I'm freaking out man, that's why I'm smoking so much probably. I've been smoking nonstop lately. J. was out of touch all weekend; it drove me nuts. We went from talking everyday and him getting snowed in here and sleeping over last week...to nothing. This isn't the first time, either. He's a scorpio...I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. I am crazy about him, but I can stay away. He finally texted me yesterday afternoon (first I'd heard from him since Thursday evening) with a simple "Sorry I went skiing all weekend."

Um? Ok?

So I haven't responded, I'm giving him a taste of his own medicine. I will see him at work tonight though...hope it goes good.

It's dumb, but it is what it is. I like him, he likes me, but we won't do a damn thing about it or get serious because we are both in the middle of  important life transitions. At least we are smart enough to realize it. Who knows what will happen down the road, he said something like," fate will tell in due time"... OK hippie, wait, I'm a hippie too...hahah not really -- fuck labels.

Anyway. I have a lot more to do for school before I finish and right now I have about three hours before I have to be at work and what am I doing? Nothing of substance. I am a slacker. I just love waiting to the last possible minute to do ANYTHING I guess. Whatta freak. Actually I lied. I am doing a load of laundry. All laundry will be done after this shyt dries. The dishes are done. I just need to do homework but I don't want to! Please God, give me strength and discipline!!! Thank you!!

Whoa. Hold up. Did she just say a prayer? Why, yes. Yes I did. Because I pray :)

My butt is tingling. What a weird thing to follow up the seriousness with. But really, my butt tingles. THAT's how excited I am to see J. at work. I am so sick with love, if that's what this is. I can't wait to see him. I've missed him. No one else makes me laugh like him. When I first met him I had no idea how deep he was...he's great and I'm ridiculous but he likes something about me. Last week when we got bombarded by snow he drove 20 minutes to me and shoveled me out and then drove me to work and came back after work and slept over and we hung out until the next afternoon and them he called me as soon as we went our separate ways. Omg I miss him, it's been almost a week since I've seen him, five days since we've "talked". It's just been too long.

I've been busy, so has he. Whatever.

I gotta get to my work, thanks for reading.

Think thin everyday!

Xo~Sar

Hydro Ponics

Good Morning. This is my last full day of classes. Forever. I feel surprisingly excited, like, let's get this over with. Yesterday I finally managed to get my ass to campus (I couldn't on Monday or Tuesday because of all the snow) and met with all my teachers, boy was I teary. My eyes were welling up every five seconds and I am sure they are all a little sick of me at this point.

And I am sick of them.

I'm sitting here, watching the news, sipping on green tea, and smoking a bowl. The weather guy is calling for more fucking snow. UGH please stop Mother Nature, please end this madness, please, please.

Yeah, I'm high.
So I am supposed to turn in this paper today at two. I am not, I decided to turn it in tomorrow. I have not even started it. I have not read any of the required materials and I have not made an outline. I have three classes today so I am going to make a strong attempt to squeeze in some paper time. I don't give a fuck anymore wait yes I do. I need to. I am not done yet.

I lay awake last night, thinking: two papers, two exams, and one project. Five things. I can do this.

I feel greasy and gross. Time to get ready. I've got to leave so early because of the snow. It's almost comical.

Be smart about food today...no binging. I want to fast but sometimes I worry that fasting when I'm expected to *perform* (when I'm writing papers and such) won't help anything. I need all the brain cells I can get, since I'm killing them daily with my undesirable vices. I will write this paper today and I will restrict. Yesterday was a decent day but it's over and now it's time to focus on what is important. Restriction is actually good for you. I've got my plan; I've got my purpose.

Think thin :)

Natalie P. is amazing! Anyone see "Black Swan" yet?

XO~Sar

I strive to be better

I'm sipping on a bud light and trying to relax: today has been hellish. Let it be clear that next winter I will NOT be where I am, I will be SOUTH. Ok, anyway.

Today: car was completely and utterly buried by thick white snow, the driveway had snow drifts up to my waist, J. came over and shoveled me out & I smoked him up as payment. He ended up driving me to work because we could not get my freaking car out of all the snow. For those of you who have never seen snow (if there's any?) YOU'RE LUCKY! 

Back to J. and his hottness (remember him? dude from work that was supposed to leave town weeks ago? musical guy?). Well I was just SO TOUCHED by his beautiful heart and then we worked together for four glorious hours (yes all that madness and shoveling was only for a short shift) and I must admit that I care deeply for this man, he is truly special to me. I understand the timing is not right but I'd love to marry him someday. It's not just about his looks, oh no. Today showed me that not only was he raised right but he was raised Christian, and that is becoming more and more important to me. He is a good person.

Anywho I'm home now (ended up getting a ride home from another dude, but he's engaged with a kid on the way; we used to work together, it's totally platonic between us) and smoking a bowl. I've been restricting but my period is coming up so I am bloating. I'm sure this beer I'm drinking will not help but hey, it's practically a diuretic.

One of my professors is SO THIN.. I've stared at her, up and down, not creepily I hope, during every class. Her collarbones, arms, legs, stomach, face, neck, everything is so so thin and I'm jealous. She's even had two kids!
But I think on the teacher evaluation form they always have us fill out at the end of the semester I will note that she is so thin it distracts from the lesson and makes me feel inadequate in comparison. It really does though. One week of classes left I can do it I can do it...

Oh and the debate went great! We got a 90 (out of 100)! So yes I am quite pleased about all that. I was quite sick last week but took the weekend to VEG the fuck out. I needed rest and relaxation so I just watched movies and took naps and smoked and ate soup and drank tea and I feel pretty much better. I gotta watch that I don't relapse but I should be ok.

Also! I scored some adderall thank goodness. 7 of them, to be exact. I haven't touched them; I'll use them to keep awake and write 8-10 page papers in 1 night. Oh what fun.

I can't wait to NOT be a college student. I am 24, time to grow up. I am quite proud that I'll receive my Bachelor's degree in a couple weeks. 

Well just thought I'd update a bit. I am hanging in here. I am trying. I could be doing better (always) but I am not killing myself over anything right now. I'm just trying to live.

I'm also trying to lose weight! Wahooo !

Think thin :) :) :)

Be strong :) :) :)

I love this picture!!!! I love Natalie Portman!! 

I want to see "Black Swan" soo bad! Looks like amazing thinspo:)

Hopefully these pretty ladies inspired you to ignore those "cravings" for junk food -- it's just your brain playing tricks on you. It's amazing how our brains try to take over, I say, fight it! I am more than a brain, I am better than a craving, I am a unique soul trying to better myself in every way possible. That obviously includes striving for a better body. Don't be fat. 

Be thin.

xo~Sar

Dog days

5:30 at night and it's dark out. I'm sitting here drinking cup after cup of hot tea in hopes of soothing my sore throat. I am also smoking. I've had about 700 calories today. I am light headed from the smoke and restriction. In about an hour, I have to drive through the snow back to campus, because tomorrow morning is my big debate, and my partner and I are just getting together tonight due to our busy schedules. Less than 2 weeks of classes in my undergrad and I'm freaking out, but trucking on.

I am so easily distracted, switching from tab to tab, settling on blogger, noticing I've gained a follower, feeling guilt for not posting in awhile, but not really...I mean, who cares? Certainly not I. I give myself credit for getting out of the bed in the morning, it's not easy dealing with depression while tackling school work and a job and so I give myself plenty of leeway when it comes to extracurriculars, like blogging.

I am completely nervous about standing in front of my (mostly male) class tomorrow at 8 in the morning. I have been feeling sick all week and am stressed to the max. Especially because I am still EXTREMELY unfamiliar with the law, and my teacher is all about the law, and I'm sure to stand there awkwardly if my classmates start flinging questions our way left and right. *Sigh*

I just got to have faith in my partner and I. We are meeting tonight and that's that. Hopefully we'll come up with a strong argument and tomorrow won't be horrifying. Hopefully.

Well she just texted me, asking me to get there early. So I'll end this here. Oh goodness, the fear. Wish me luck, darlings. Stay strong tonight and tomorrow. I've started adding notes to my phone after a binge, and it's working. The last time I binged was yesterday morning at 10, I know this because I noted it in my phone. It was a controlled binge but still. Fuck binging.

Think thin, please. Be someone's thinspiration tomorrow. I always dress to emphasize my thin parts, specifically my arms and neck/collar area. I keep it baggy around my tummy. I hate having a stomach, I'd like to just wish it away. But instead I''ll just starve for a bit. Concave stomach = MY NEXT GOAL!
Peace!

Xo~ Sar

I'm the other woman

Why is being thin the only thing that matters?

My hip bones are poking out and my stomach is empty and my head is spinning and I am falling falling falling down the rabbit hole, like Marya warned, and I'm scared.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
So so true that is.

I have been *successfully* restricting the past few days. On thanksgiving I piled little spoonfuls of all the side dishes on my plate and sampled them. I was so "full" I couldn't finish. I left all the food on my plate, I looked around our table of nine, and saw clear dishes. I had no dessert; I took a nap. I was the odd one out, the strong one, the vegetarian, the disciplined little brat who made everyone uncomfortable with her jutting collarbones and sallow complexion.

The best part of the week was Wednesday, the night before thanksgiving. I went out with my best friend and we got smashed. We ended up getting a ride back to her house with these guys (we knew them) and getting crazy in her living room, while her mom slept upstairs. No sex, just lots of making out..

I was hooking up with J. but he APPARENTLY has a girlfriend, who's going to school in Vermont. I stalked her on facebook and of course she's gorgeous, thin, and there were tons of pictures of the two of them. APPARENTLY they are not in love, though. Whatever, not my problem. Him and I have just been texting non stop and he's called me twice. I might see him tonight.

Oh god and I'm getting sick. My whole head hurts. My throat feels sore. My stomach feels funny. But I WILL BE THIN!

Because being thin is all that matters....



Think thin*

xo Sar

Insomnia

It's almost four in the morning and thundering. My empty stomach is growling and keeping me awake.

*think thin 


Much love to you lovely thin people.

xo ~ Sar

Ride of the Valkyries

I am SO mad. MaD. mAd.

Last night my goal was to get as fucked up as possible so I drank 3 glasses of wine and smoked copious amounts of marijuana. I even smoked a cigarette. Here's why:

Yesterday after work I went to Wal Mart. I was looking for mini scissors to trim my eyebrows with but ended up on a shopping spree of sorts. I got some pajama pants and hair gel and other assorted items. Hardly any food just an Amy's organic tv dinner and some yogurt. I bumped into 3 of T.'s best friends. I see them everywhere, and he's never with them. Yes T. the person who has got much space on this blog and time on my mind in the last year. Isn't that pathetic? I wanted to know exactly when I last had sex so I went searching through my words and posts over the months. It was February. Almost a year ago, jeez.

My point is that I am not over T. I guess. I saw his friends and awkwardly said hello. I looked for him and he wasn't with them. I texted him, stupidly. He did not answer, obviously.

Guys this is serious. I need to let him GO. I almost cried last night, after I saw them (T.'s friends) I got myself thinking about things and taking a familiar route towards thoughts of him and us. It is so DAMN STUPID. And the best part? Alllllll along, since him and I left each other in April, I've been seeing other men. He's been with his girlfriend and they're in "love". Fuck love.

So I wrote an emo fucking letter to T., which I'll never send. I smoked a little. I used el bano. I ate one yogurt (100 calories) and am feeling considerably thinner than yesterday. I went to bed hungry and woke up due to hunger. I hate hunger. I hate food.

I need serious help. I won't get it though, because it's like I am afraid of being okay. How strange to type that out. Why wouldn't I want to be okay? Probably because a troubled life is all I've known. So I'm used to getting the shaft in all situations.

The truth is that I have a lot to be grateful for and happy about. My parents are still alive and still together. No one in my immediate family is suffering from terminal illness (at the moment, knock on wood). I am not deformed or mentally handicapped. I am attending college in America. I am not living on welfare. I have a job (temporarily). I have a pet (which has it's benefits and disadvantages). I am not deaf or blind. I am not "ugly". I am not diseased. I am actually in a pretty good spot, it seems.

Maybe there's even more positives. I guess it's good to put myself in perspective. I am feeling so down today, it could be the gray skies and rain, it could just be my brain chemicals.

I am ready for another hair change. Right now it's highlighted. It's just growing so fast, and I think I'm ready to go dark. I will probably do that over Thanksgiving break, hopefully.


Oh man, thanksgiving: a time of gluttony and feasting. Sick. I will do my best to fast the entire day until the meal. I will only eat vegetarian food stuffs and little portions; no one will be watching, they'll all be helping with the baby (my nephew!). Maybe I'll just fill up on wine and salad, no one will be the wiser. Yup. I've got a plan.

I am not afraid. I can do this. I need to stay thin and be thinner. It's a good way to not hate myself.

Today I am getting coffee with C. We'll see how that goes...

Think thin.
xo ~ Sar

:Title

Where were you this week? I DID fast the day of that last post, but no support, no comments, and I am pretty sure I eventually caved and ate something because I thought to myself, no one cares. Rightly so.

This has been the week from hell. On Monday, while I was working (with J.) a car fucking CRASHED into the building, leaving us all in shock. J. came over after work and we smoked a blunt and talked about the madness. On Tuesday, I bought a frozen pizza and ATE THE ENTIRE THING. On Thursday, I did the same thing...that is, bought ANOTHER frozen pizza, cooked it, and ATE THE ENTIRE THING IN ONE SITTING. Followed by laxatives, like a champ. Do you care to know the calories in one whole Freschetta Spinach and Mushroom pizza? 1230 calories. Times 2. (Yes I bought the same pizza twice). Plus all the other shit I ate this week? Luckily it was stretched over the days but bottom line, I NEEDED YOU and you were not here.

Story of my life.

Edit:
It's been three hours.
I did three loads of laundry. I ate one slice of toast with some peanut butter & banana slices [220] and drank some green tea. I have not showered but I have smoked. I was mad earlier, at myself, at "you", whoever that is; I am still angry, only just not so much. I spoke with my mom about various worries and anxieties (never food though, definitely don't talk about that with anyone) and it helped a little. We're all getting ready for a HUGE family get together.

Edit:
I just need to finish this post. It is now a *day* later. I am sitting here again, smoking, and about to take a shower before I go to work. I have not smoked a cigarette since Thursday. That's a good thing. I am craving one, but I really can't afford them and should not buy them.

Just now I stood up and walked around for a minute. I'm losing it. I have no attention span, and something is going on with my keyboard, or maybe it's my fingers, or maybe it's my computer. I don't know, either way something is wrong and it freaking blows.

You know what else blows? I have not been laid in MONTHS! Oh mygosh soooo long. The last person was T. I just took a second, looked away, and thought back to when we had sex. I am unsure exactly what month it was, but it was at the beginning of the year. It was so private and sensual. Sex really is huge. It is as close as two people can be. It is an invasion, and I am realizing that I really equate sex with love, because there needs to be some sort of trust. I feel sickened, dirty.

I need a shower. I hate myself for wanting sex but I am horny, damnit! It's been a long time, but there really isn't anyone I could do it with. C.? No. J.? No.

I'd obviously do it with T., but he's still with his girl. Living with her. Having emo pictures of him and his girl being taken and put on facebook. I hate him but I'd be with him again in a second.

Perhaps this is holding me back.

I hate admitting reality, I'd much rather live in Sar Land.. Too bad so sad. I have to PARTICIPATE IN LIFE but I don't, I just have not been. I've blown off every counseling session for at least a month now. I *was* rescheduling but the last time I just didn't bother. I don't want to sit there and talk. I want to be better by myself.

Some friends of mine from back home were supposed to come visit me here in College Town this weekend, but I canceled it. I just want to be alone with my e.d. It's so fucked....

And home alone, I've been. I am always alone. The cat's here but he's not a person. I talk to him sometimes but he doesn't talk back.

I skipped a bunch of classes last week, and every week. I didn't turn in a paper that was due on Friday, I just skipped and didn't email my professor and didn't bother writing it. I keep telling myself I will, but it's already Sunday and I'm going to work and I just don't feel like using my brain.

That's what this all comes down to. I am lazy as hell and it's killing me and making me fat. So fat. Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

I just stared at the screen as I was typing those three evil letters over and over with a space in between. It's like barring my soul, I guess.

I had so many dreams last night, all of them blurry. I can't remember them. I take it as a sign that I've been smoking far too much weed. Well what the fuck else can I do without my cigarettes? Oh Lord I crave them. Should I buy some?

I am going nuts.

Think thin. I am fasting today. I have been using this weekend to "repair" the damage of the pizzas. I have been restricting but I need to just fast today. It'll be easy because I'm going to work, and I never want to eat there. I'll be back later.

Oh yeah I lost two followers. I was surprisingly hurt. Fuck it. I don't need "followers" -- or do I?

Guess I'm not "pro-ana" enough. Well you know what. I am pro-nothing. I am a fucking lunatic and would not wish my current state of affairs on anyone. I wish I could eat normally. I know that I never will. I wish I didn't obsessively count fucking calories in my head, after everything. I wish I could keep food in the house, like a normal person. Ha! If it's there I want it. I hate it and I love it and it's so fucked fucked fucked and sometimes I just don't want to write about it! E.d. is already taking up enough space in my head, can't I use this place to clear my fucking thoughts?

I realize I have sounded somewhat harsh throughout this post, but it's okay because this is my little page on the web and I can say whatever I want, dammit. Thank you to the U.S. Constitution! Free speech babes!

Except this isn't speech is it? It's a fucking figment of your imagination. I don't exist.

Orange candle, never lit

and never will be, it's merely decoration. It's ten in the morning and I was woke at six by a text from C. This whole thing between us is pretty ridiculous. We both have feelings for each other, he is just very up front with it. I choose to hold back (because as you all know I've been hurt in the recent past by wearing my heart on my sleeve) and he tries to pull it out of me. Well the truth is that we just don't know each other that well, but it feels like we do, because we've "known each other" for about a year.

Enough about that. I made my bed. I smoked a little, I did the dishes, I emptied the garbages and cleaned the litter box. I can shower now. Except, I'm dying for a cigarette. I know it's a terrible habit and have been SORT OF trying to cut back. It's fucking hard though, there are just so many opportunities to smoke... I have daily traditions in place that I don't necessarily think of until I'm in the act. For example, smoking a cig on the way to class or work. I ALWAYS do this so when I don't, I feel like something is missing. Something IS missing but I just don't want to freaking get lung cancer or some shyt so I might as well try and QUIT! or, CUT BACK!

But I might go outside and have one real quick, before my shower so the smell is washed away.

I am fasting today as you might know if you read last night's frantic post. I was gross this weekend and MUST make it better! Ugh I can't blame my period, as much as I want to. I was just emotional this weekend, or something, who cares?

It's a new week and I've got tons of shit to do but at least I am starting it off with a clean apartment and a fast. I have class today and then work so I will be on the go. I'll be thinking of you, and C. who is supposed to call me tonight so we can YET AGAIN try to make things better, because the last two times we talked on the phone were a little tense. We are fine, it's just a matter of making some plans. He likes plans. He likes knowing he's going to see me. It's a little intense and I must continually tell myself, it's okay, nothing major is happening, this is fine, this is safe.

I am so neurotic.

Think thin today, or fast with me! I'd love to come home later tonight to some support so I can keep up the good work! My stomach is already grumbling, well whatever stomach! You ate enough this weekend it's time for a break!

Think thin*
Be Strong*

xo~ Sar

Crash

I binged this entire weekend. I'm a mess. C. and I are fighting because he asked me to hang out again and I said I don't know. I am so full from so much food. Help help help help help. I haven't showered since Friday. The presentation went okay but I was visibly shaking the whole time. I am stressed about the past, present, and future. C. was too easy to push away.

I won't give you today's calorie count, it's enough to make anyone vomit uncontrollably. Definitely over 2000. I hate myself, sitting here in my pajamas at 11:11 pm, my phone hasn't rang all day, I'm a loser, baby. So why don't you kill me?

I just watched a few movies today, actually just parts of movies. I am so easily distracted that I turn the channel with every commercial and inevitably end up missing parts.

I hate me, I hate this fat ass and this fat stomach and these tree trunk thighs. I am grotesque and undeserving of anything good. C. is a good guy who WAS genuinely into me, and I pushed him so far away I bet I'll never get him back. All because he asked me out to go get food. I'm so FUCKING AFRAID of eating in front of people I said no and he thinks it has something to do with him! Ha!

What a joke I am, what a joke my life has turned into. I am a sad sad soul, going nowhere, alone.

Think thin, please.

I am fasting tomorrow, obviously, to make up for my disgusting binging this weekend. I need to NOT hate myself so much, it just seems impossible.

Nerves

Tomorrow is the culmination of my senior seminar, I'm presenting in front of my classmates, various teachers, and the open public. I am nervous as fuck and not fully prepared. I am highly caffeinated though, and I have an outline. So I'll get to it. It's at one in the afternoon tomorrow and I plan to starve myself to ensure I look decent in front of the freakin' audience. I am not one for public speaking but I will be graded on this and wish to do great! I don't wish actually... I am envisioning success.


Wish me luck.

Think thin.

xo

Smoke and Mirrors

I woke up with a sore throat. I knew this cold weather would catch up to me. Last night was great.
I sent him a text saying we should meet somewhere neutral. He responded with a wonderful suggestion, drinks & a game at the bar. Not just any bar, this sweet bar that I rarely go to! We met up (he was 10 minutes late) (he's like me: a slave to time) and he bought his own drink and I bought my own. He has mentioned before that he used games to make me jealous or hurt me or something. Now that I'm recalling the events of the beginning of the evening, I'm realizing that his actions were most likely deliberate. It all makes so much sense.

Let me explain, we've been emailing a lot about some really personal things, and I let him know about J. and how I liked J. because he was kind of a dick. He said, accurately, that maybe the reason I liked him is because I don't like myself and wish to treat myself poorly. Spot on! Is this dude a psychologist?

No, he's not.
Anyway, we had a nice time playing "scattergories" at the first bar. I drank two beers. (He had three). He said, let's go to another bar. I said, sure! He put the game in his car and we walked a few blocks to the bar. (Burned some of those beer calories through the walk!) We had a beer. Then he asked what I'd like to do. I said, Idk, go home. He asked if I'd like to walk to another bar. I think he wanted to spend some time with me. So off to the third bar we walked. We "split" a beer. Oh God. I just remembered!

The bartender asked, do you want two straws with that beer? Hahaha. Implying that we were lovers! You know it's just an offhand comment but remembering that just now made me blush and smile.

So I barely drank any of it, three beers and I'm good. We walked back to our cars (in the cold, no wonder I feel sick today) and paused, awkwardly. That moment where you say goodbye is always so incredible. The tension is thick and both are thinking about kissing. Will it happen?
It didn't for us, we hugged. For awhile. It was nice to be hugged. He is strong. He squeezed me! I tried to squeeze back! Lol at us.

So, we parted ways, with sheepish grins and hopes for the future. I, being a fat ass, drove to McDonald's for french fries. I knew I wouldn't binge, I'm a vegetarian so they don't exactly cater to me. But I wanted salty. So I ordered fries and a water and drove home, eating the fries on the way. Eating? I mean stuffing them into my mouth as fast as possible while I drove through the dark wilderness. I live in the middle of nowhere so the commute is always through forest and fields.

Of course I texted C. when I got home, making sure he was safe. We texted a little, he said, "I'm really quite impressed with how much fun we have around each other. I love looking into your eyes." *swoon*

I just responded with, "I like the way you hug me."
He said, "I hope you have sweet dreams, Sarah. Good night."
I said nothing and went to sleep.

It was not a good sleep. You know when you fall asleep with all your jewelery on and it annoys you while you're actually asleep. It's really a lucid experience.

It's eleven in the morning and I'm smoking a pipe. Is that bad? Tell me honestly, is that really so bad? My throat hurts, hmm, I'll make some green tea.

Less than two hours to get to class and I'm stoned and haven't even showered. I hate to part ways with you, too, dear reader. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

I go back and forth with my feelings about C. That's okay. No decisions about him need to be made right now. I just need to let it be. Enjoy it. Don't rush it because that's how shit gets fucked up.

I've felt pretty emotional lately. I wonder if it shows in my writing.

Monday Thinspo (Be Strong Today):

 Don't smoke though. Just be thin.

I <3 Natalie Portman.

and you.

Peace.

Xo Sar

Bust your windows

Sunday's have this strange gloom cast over them. I feel ready and apprehensive at the same time. Today I am hanging out with C. We are meeting up after the football game. I am fearing this, I am scared of looking fat. We talked on the phone last night and he asked if I wanted to meet for a late breakfast today. Um, are you crazy? I don't eat in front of people. I just said, no I don't want to meet for breakfast, how about something else? Haha I was vague and I doubt he'll ask me about it, he's too polite.

Remember C.? Idk if I've wrote about him, probably have because about 50% of the blog is devoted to my boy-crazyness. We've been talking and emailing. I had been talking to some guys on the side the whole time (obviously because I'm pimpin') but it's been pretty consistent with him for awhile. I don't know what I think of him. I enjoy talking to him but to tell you the truth I am absolutely terrified to be alone with him. Isn't that weird?? 

I'm supposed to go to his house (the home his mother died in) and play a game and have a drink maybe. I just am sitting here, worrying. The worry engulfs my body if I let it. I guess that I'm just so self conscious I can't even be comfortable in front of men.

I guess I'll see if he'd be willing to meet me downtown for coffee. That's a neutral place, right?

I am petrified of getting to know him because I secretly know that we'd probably be a great couple. Why would I deny myself? Because I'm not ready. I don't wish to be tied down, and literally can't. I've got too much stuff to do for school.

I've also got thin objectives to look after. I need to stop eating so much. I hate myself when I binge, so I try to buy healthy foods. I eat celery and carrots dipped in hummus. That's a pretty healthy freakin' snack.

Wish me luck. I hope I suck it up and just go there and enjoy myself. I don't want to be nervous but this dude is intense. Take care, lovelies.

Today - Kashi bar [180] some O.J. [80]

Think thin.

Xo Sar

Strong-Willed

12:45 and I'm doing laundry and smoking; I changed my sheets and made my bed. I ate two organic waffles with some pure maple syrup (no high fructose corn syrup crap). I am sipping tea and procrastinating some online homework that was actually due last night.

Things have been weird and changing, my moods have shifted with the wind and my stomach is still a huge source of discontent. I am listening to K.T. Turnstall and my neck aches from holding up this heavy head. My heart is healing, I am basically over J. I did dream about him last night. Not *about* him but he was a "co-star". We traveled and must have been dating because in my dream my arm wrapped around his waist so naturally I am recoiling at the conscious thought of it.

It snowed last night; today I woke up to white sprinkles on the dead green grass. The sun was out briefly, which melted some of it, but now it's just gray and foreboding outside; I wish to stay in but I've got to work tonight.

Stretching feels so good and makes me yawn. 

5 weeks of college left. I can hardly believe it. I'm doing it, I'm going to do it, I'm going to graduate college with a bachelor's degree. I will be a Graduate.

But not yet.

I have so much work to do still. Here's what I'm doing:

Class 1: A presentation next friday and 15 page research paper.

Class 2: A PowerPoint & research paper project, plus 2 more blogs with sources (and comments).

Class 3: A debate, an exam, quizzes.

Class 4: 2 more exams, a research paper.

Good Lord. Plus regular work (outside of school), taking care of me and the cat, and planning for the near future (when my lease ends & I graduate- I'm moving AGAIN).

I can do this all. I will be successful. I am capable, intelligent, strong-willed, and on top of things. I am aware.

Stay strong, all. Think thin.

Today is a restricting day for me. I am fine with that and in control.

<333

xo~Sar

Pictures of Thin

My cat cried and danced around, implying "I WANT FOOD!" I cleaned his dish ever so carefully and filled it with a heaping 1/3 cup full of high-priced cat food. He devoured most of it in a flurry, and then? Puked. Twice. On my rug.

My cat is bulimic. 

He just went back for the rest of it, and is now chugging water. What the fuck? Cats can't learn such things, right?

I'd argue that cats really can't *learn* anything - they don't have the brain capacity. I just wanted to post that amusing little anecdote.

He's seemingly fine now. I'm doing okay. Besides cleaning up cat puke, this morning is not horrible. I got some sleep last night, but with vivid, disturbing dreams as per usual. I am smoking a little morning bowl. I had an entire glass of water already. I've been drinking so much water. I <3 my Brita.

It's now 11:02 in the morning. I will shower and go to campus. I can do this. I will bring all my books and do research. Yup. It'll be good. It needs to happen and today is a good day to do it. 

Thanks for the comments last night, I know binges happen, I just really HATE when I give in. Today isn't looking so bad so hopefully I'll be real strong. I have to be strong.

Today (Wednesday) I will: Shower, Go to Campus, Attend Presentation, Do Research in Preparation for Tomorrow's Project, Do the Dishes, Do Laundry.

That's so typical of me, to take one thing and turn it into a list. I'm going to stick to it. Stay strong Sar. Stay strong Readers.

Thinspo ->

I feel a little stronger after viewing these pictures. If these bitche$ can do it so can I.

Peace, xo~Sar

Think thin*