well hello

well hello

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Alien Ana.

Today ended with a disgusting binge. I hate myself for feeling so fat right now. It's making it hard to concentrate on anything other than what I can do to make this fat-feeling go away.
[Breakfast] organic granola (190) with almond milk (40) and coffee (0).
[Lunch] sweet potato with margarine (250), banana (75).
[Dinner] chips (130 cal), ice cream sandwich (190), cookie (180), candy corn (500).
See? My day was going great until I couldn't handle making healthy choices for dinner. Idiot. I'm afraid to total the damage but (sigh) let me pull out my calculator.

1555 calories for yesterday (it's after twelve now-ha, thank God).
Not as bad as I thought but still horrific. What the fuck is up with me craving sweets tonight? Oh I know, I am apprehensive about several things, including: telling my boss tomorrow morning that I won't be working there over the summer and asking him to let me come back in the Fall, paying for the summer class I registered for (I tried to use my mom's credit card, and there was an error, and it's night so I can't really deal with it until tomorrow morning, after class and before I go talk to my boss), a major test on Friday, T, and the last week of classes/finals week.

I am stressed and this was a stress binge and I should be getting my period tomorrow or Saturday so that is obviously contributing to my sugar cravings and I HATE it!

Ugh, and every time I log into Blogger (which is a million times a day) I never have comments. 

What the heck, I want to read what you have to say!!!

And yet, I still sit here procrastinating my ass off.

Pathetic and fat, not good feelings to try and find sleep on.

Last night I dreamt that an old friend bit off her fingers by accident and it was really freaky and surreal. I was myself, she was her. I woke up me, and alone.

All I want to do is puke out every single one of those fifteen-hundred fifty-five calories.
Why won't I?

Because I'm fucking scared.

I have so much more to say, and no reason to say it. Is anyone even out there?


Charr. said...

I'm sorry I don't comment much, but I honesty read every single one of your posts :) Some times I just don't have anything very intelligent to say-- but ugh I'm in the same boat as you today, massive binge fest! Icky.

Flushed said...

I am. I am always reading!! Your blogs is one of my faves.

binge on something low cal like a watermelon or something!

Best of luck with everything!

Anonymous said...

Better say nothing than nothing to the purpose. ........................................

Anonymous said...

Say it! Please, please say it! I am always reading your blog, and when I'm done, I have a million and one things to say back, but I either lack the vocabulary or the time, and I'm sorry. I'm a bad follower (reminds me of cults, for some odd reason).

I'm sorry you're having such a poopy, stressful time right now. Just please no that you're in my thoughts a lot (maybe too much to be healthy? haha In a non-creepy way, but of course) and I truly wish you the best in all you do. I know you'll accomplish great things.

And... because my intelligence has just imploded, here are some quotes to help you through the days to come:

"Little by little, one walks far." - Peruvian Proverb

"Every act of creation is first an act of destruction." - Pablo Picasso

"There is a thought in your mind right now. The longer you hold on to it, the more you dwell upon it, the more life you give to that thought. Give it enough life, and it will become real. So make sure the thought is indeed a great one." -Ralph Marston

With love,
A Will is the Way

ToxicWaste said...

I love your posts. I think you're really motivating. everyone binges sometimes, the most important thing is how you handle after the fact, not the fact that you did it.

good luck<3