Things are far from wonderful. I am sick now. Little food and sleep will eventually do that. I have a headache from crying endless tears.
T. is driving me crazy (surprise, surprise).
I don't even know what to say right now. Everything is a mess. School might just kill me. I have a paper due on Friday that I have not started. All my teachers just expect me to be fine, well I am not. I am alive, sure. But not fine.
Today I ate: cottage cheese with mixed berries. vegetable soup. 2 slices of wheat bread (80 cal each) dipped in the soup. an apple. an orange.
Total cals? About 750?? That's a guess..
That's it, and I feel huge. I hate food. I did some walking today, some yoga yesterday. Ha, yesterday was 4/20 and I smoked lots.
Then I started feeling sick, and here I am. Feeling sick, feeling tired. Feeling unloved. Feeling unlucky.
I can only express myself in certain ways. The rage inside is too much, at times, and I do believe it scares people.
Ughhh I just want to die, or melt away, or disappear, or SOMETHING.
PLEASE MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!
All I am doing is complaining, you probably hate me.
I hate me.
I hate everything right now. The only thing that sounds even remotely good is smoking some weed and going to fucking bed. I am hopeless. My life is hopeless.
Where did my enthusiasm go? Where is my ambition and will to live?
Gone. It's all fucking gone, because I got myself too hooked on T. again and he is aware and pushing me the fuck away. This happens a lot. I hate me, did I already say that?
I look so ugly right now: puffy, red eyes from crying and napping with my contacts in. fat face. bloated but hungry belly.
Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.
Maybe Ana will.
because, as always, I am thinkin' thin. So should you!
I am really disappointed in myself for eating today.