well hello

well hello

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I am not okay.

Things are far from wonderful. I am sick now. Little food and sleep will eventually do that. I have a headache from crying endless tears.

T. is driving me crazy (surprise, surprise).

I don't even know what to say right now. Everything is a mess. School might just kill me. I have a paper due on Friday that I have not started. All my teachers just expect me to be fine, well I am not. I am alive, sure. But not fine.

Today I ate: cottage cheese with mixed berries. vegetable soup. 2 slices of wheat bread (80 cal each) dipped in the soup. an apple. an orange.
Total cals? About 750?? That's a guess..

That's it, and I feel huge. I hate food. I did some walking today, some yoga yesterday. Ha, yesterday was 4/20 and I smoked lots.

Then I started feeling sick, and here I am. Feeling sick, feeling tired. Feeling unloved. Feeling unlucky.

I can only express myself in certain ways. The rage inside is too much, at times, and I do believe it scares people.

Ughhh I just want to die, or melt away, or disappear, or SOMETHING.

All I am doing is complaining, you probably hate me.

I hate me.

I hate everything right now. The only thing that sounds even remotely good is smoking some weed and going to fucking bed. I am hopeless. My life is hopeless.

Where did my enthusiasm go? Where is my ambition and will to live?

Gone. It's all fucking gone, because I got myself too hooked on T. again and he is aware and pushing me the fuck away. This happens a lot. I hate me, did I already say that?

I look so ugly right now: puffy, red eyes from crying and napping with my contacts in. fat face. bloated but hungry belly.

Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.


Maybe Ana will.

because, as always, I am thinkin' thin. So should you!

I am really disappointed in myself for eating today.


MyNameIsMellon said...

Sweetie, you are beautiful. You are strong and wonderful. Everything will be okay in the long run, I promise. Just keep your head up and keep hope alive in your heart.

Anonymous said...

This is called a rant, not useless complaining. You obviously need to vent it out all here and I am glad you did.

I know what it's like...

Baby steps, baby steps. And of course you feel fat.

But your strong enough to get through it all.

I am His said...

I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time right now! :( I will be praying that you find the courage, strength and hope to face each new day.

Stick Thin said...

You are an amazing person, and I don't hate you! I love you. Somedays we just have to take things one day at a time.

Nothing is permanent. Things will change. Its easier said than done ot just 'keep your chin up', but even the slightest hope can help.

I don't want you to disappear. :( Sleep. Drink. Water. And don't focus on yesterday, change today.