well hello

well hello

Sunday, April 25, 2010

One body...

Without music, I'd want to die.

Just felt like putting that out there, I seem to enjoy making pro-death statements...to shock, to haunt, to...warn? My parents came today. We went out to eat (of course) and I had ate only apples prior to their arrival, so I perused the menu with abandon in hopes of finding something healthy and delicious. What I got was neither, though it was in the "fit from the farm" section. Gag me. I ate an "omelette" made with fake, cholosterol-free eggs and spinach, onion, and tomato blended in. It came with one slice of dry toast and some cut up fruit. I ate all the fruit and the entire "omelette" and one half of the toast with apple butter spread thinly on. I drank hot tea. My parents ordered fatty, disgusting things that I won't mention here because recalling them sickens me, and my stomach is already feeling funny from the food.

I came home and snacked on some crackers. Food has no taste at all; I have been sick all weekend. I couldn't taste what I ate at the restaurant and I couldn't taste the crackers so why did I bother eating? Because I was forced. The dinner and crackers were gifts from my parents. Food gifts. What the mother-FUCK?
(Ok, I know I wasn't forced to eat the crackers after they left but they were there and would NOT have been if my parents did not come visit) (Oh, the sad, sad, justification I so desperately type out, damn my approval-seeking ways).

I don't want to eat, damnit. I want to feel weak and thin, like the wind could push me aside roughly on its way elsewhere. I want to be so skinny that 75 percent of the bones on my body stick out. I want to lose more weight. I want all of my jeans and shirts especially and bras and panties and hell, even socks to FALL off me. I will be thinner. I will. I HAVE TO.

I can't let food become my crutch and my curse again. Before, I was eating and staying locked indoors. Before, I was embarrassed of my naked body. I will not let "before" be the present. I will STAY STRONG, damnit, because I have no choice here.  I could never be happy being fat. I could never be happy with extra poundage. I could never be happy looking down and seeing blubber, you know why? Because it make me sad! All of my concentration and focus goes out the window when I look down and see fat. I will never get anywhere in life feeling like that. That is why it's crucial I stay thin and more importantly, get thinner.

Since I can no longer think of homework (could I ever?), I will read some more of this brilliant novel and then try to sleep. If sleep will not come than I promise I will only take one tylonel PM.
Love to you all.

Good night.

Think thin, darling. You only get one body, make it the best and most beautiful it can possibly be.

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