Without music, I'd want to die.
Just felt like putting that out there, I seem to enjoy making pro-death statements...to shock, to haunt, to...warn? My parents came today. We went out to eat (of course) and I had ate only apples prior to their arrival, so I perused the menu with abandon in hopes of finding something healthy and delicious. What I got was neither, though it was in the "fit from the farm" section. Gag me. I ate an "omelette" made with fake, cholosterol-free eggs and spinach, onion, and tomato blended in. It came with one slice of dry toast and some cut up fruit. I ate all the fruit and the entire "omelette" and one half of the toast with apple butter spread thinly on. I drank hot tea. My parents ordered fatty, disgusting things that I won't mention here because recalling them sickens me, and my stomach is already feeling funny from the food.
I came home and snacked on some crackers. Food has no taste at all; I have been sick all weekend. I couldn't taste what I ate at the restaurant and I couldn't taste the crackers so why did I bother eating? Because I was forced. The dinner and crackers were gifts from my parents. Food gifts. What the mother-FUCK?
(Ok, I know I wasn't forced to eat the crackers after they left but they were there and would NOT have been if my parents did not come visit) (Oh, the sad, sad, justification I so desperately type out, damn my approval-seeking ways).
I don't want to eat, damnit. I want to feel weak and thin, like the wind could push me aside roughly on its way elsewhere. I want to be so skinny that 75 percent of the bones on my body stick out. I want to lose more weight. I want all of my jeans and shirts especially and bras and panties and hell, even socks to FALL off me. I will be thinner. I will. I HAVE TO.
I can't let food become my crutch and my curse again. Before, I was eating and staying locked indoors. Before, I was embarrassed of my naked body. I will not let "before" be the present. I will STAY STRONG, damnit, because I have no choice here. I could never be happy being fat. I could never be happy with extra poundage. I could never be happy looking down and seeing blubber, you know why? Because it make me sad! All of my concentration and focus goes out the window when I look down and see fat. I will never get anywhere in life feeling like that. That is why it's crucial I stay thin and more importantly, get thinner.
Since I can no longer think of homework (could I ever?), I will read some more of this brilliant novel and then try to sleep. If sleep will not come than I promise I will only take one tylonel PM.
Love to you all.
Think thin, darling. You only get one body, make it the best and most beautiful it can possibly be.