well hello

well hello

Monday, April 12, 2010

Is there anybody out there?

I am sitting in the same place I sat last week when I first told you lovely readers the devastation that has become my life. It has been one week, barely. I have new "things" and a new perspective. I am alive. My cat is fine. I saved his life, and my own. Here is a scary thought: I was depressed. What if I would have used the fire as my opportunity to die "accidentally"? What if I would have laid in my bed and let the flames engulf me, slowly suffocating me, so painfully, so tragically?

Ah, the what-ifs will kill me if this overwhelming, pressing urge to live on doesn't. I will make the most of my life. Ana readers, listen up. Tragedy kills your appetite. I have not binged. Food is not a reward anymore. Food is nothing but something that will prolong my life. I don't need much.

Just wanted to update, I guess. I can't read. I can't write. I am not very inspired. I am getting sick. I have a place to stay until the end of the semester, and then I am moving home (can't wait). I am ok. I am not ok. A stupid girl who lived two floors down from me started the fire because she was drunk and careless. Let that be a lesson to you. Fire kills.

I was on the news. My cat is thriving, he has much more space here, plus a friend (my roommate has a kitty). I have got some new clothes, but clothes don't mean much anymore. What does? I am still trying to figure it out. My path to salvation is not clear. I wonder if it ever will be?
I missed classes today, but emailed my professors. I am listening to music and I do really love music. I miss my i-pod and Lose it app. I miss lots of things, mostly my sense of security. I am terrified of candles now: do not ever light one around me. I mean it, I'll punch you.

T. saved me last week. The fire was last Monday. He came to my rescue; he brought us (cat and I) to his apartment, gave me clothes (because I was wearing shorts and a tee, having just woke from nap), he slipped me a twenty dollar bill and a pack of cigs; he is a kind soul.
We also spent Saturday night together. I need him, or anyone, maybe. I have myself now. I was saved for a reason.

I love you all, I wish I could want to type more now. But I don't. I am so emotionally and physically exhausted and my mind is a blank slate. Please count your blessings. Please remember that nothing is permanent.

Oh, and think thin.


zen said...

It's weird how the events will replay over and over in your mind. At first you start to remember details... wonder how the fuck you knew what to do, and remained so eerily calm at the time.
Then all the frightening "what-if's" hit you.
I am glad you are ok, and the kitty too!

xoxo zen

Charr. said...

You're being so mature and tough about all of this...the whole situation is so tradgic. It's great that youre looking on the bright side though-- I hope things continue to get better for you :) <3

I am His said...

I am so sorry about your home! I can't imagine losing everything. I am glad you and your cat are okay!! You seem to be handling this situation remarkably well. I can't imagine what you must be feeling though. Hang in there, okay? You're in my prayers.