I have the place to myself all weekend; both roomies left town and left me alone. Last night I was scared shitless. Today I woke, fed my cat, made some tea, did the dishes. I will shower shortly and then go to work. Normal? Maybe.
My entire body aches .. I don't know if it's still from all that Yoga or what or maybe I just have the flu. But I can't move right. I can't sleep right. I am having dreams with the fire in the background. Dreams that I have to pack everything and move real quick, in one night, what do I pack first? Ha, now I have barely anything to pack once I leave here. I hate dreaming sometimes. I haven't dreamt about T. in awhile, which is probably good. Once I start dreaming about him I then I have officially slipped over the edge into obsession.
Speaking of T. Oh, I like him. A lot. But not enough to put him first. He is clearly not putting me on any kind of pedestal, though he did upload TONS of music for my (new) computer yesterday. One of the nicest things he could do, really, because I love music. Alas, he went home for the weekend. As did my roomies. As did EVERYONE but me. Because I am afraid to go home. Home is where I was the day before and of the fire. I remember sitting at home, before making the drive back to college town that fateful Monday, and just feeling so...peaceful.
It was a gorgeous day, I had laundry done, I was excited to see my kitty after a night away. I drove back. I brought a million things up and down those stairs. I napped. I woke. I was wearing pjs and no jewelery. The alarm went off and everything I had ever known or cared to live around went up in smoke. It all vanished in the flames, along with my sense of structure and stability.
Damn it all, let me hit this bowl.
* coughs *
Yeah, I'm sick for sure. I can't breathe or smell anything. Body aches. Fatigue. Period.
I don't know if I had a point with this post. Just wanted to muse a little, I suppose. I have so much going on, so many decisions to make. I wish someone could help. Or do I? Maybe the weight of these decisions is supposed to be enormous, entailing me to really think things through.
If life were easier...
I binged yesterday..it's gross.
Popcorn. PB&J. Ritz crackers with jelly. Flatbread pizza (no crusts-this was lunch). Chinese fried rice and vegetables (dinner). Chocolate.
All of those snacks. They are eviL!
Seriously, what the fuck? That is a TON.. Yesterday was A FAILURE. No wonder I feel so full...and heavy. I was feeling lonely. Ah, the old familiar fucked up feeling of loneliness. I remember you.
I am crazy. I am definitely feeling fat today. My hips are dull points, but points nonetheless. I won't eat before work. There, what a quick decision. I am on my second cup of tea, actually. I can never eat when I am sick, anyways.
Well readers, all I really want to do is sit here and listen to music and type or read and comment but you know what really needs to be done that will make me feel so much better?
A long, hot shower. Or maybe a quick, warm one. I'll see what directions my thoughts take once I'm immersed in the steamy hydro.
Think thin, please. Save some resources for the others. I will be starving today. Anyone with me? Just for the day, let's do a quick fast. It'll be cleansing.
Love to you.