The huge snow storm that wasn't

Schools and businesses closed, the ordering of more plows, fear, people rushing to grocery stores for stocking-up reasons...and the result is a big let down. Maybe two inches of the white stuff, not the eighteen being hyped. We heard the worst for days and the big day, today, is a disappointment and I hate when they do that. Fear-mongering makes me sick but I fall for it every time.

In other news, my throat hurts.I'm sitting upstairs with my cat, smoking a little and thinking. I think so much every minute, my brain is always moving around, clashing, and running circles around thoughts around ideas around negativity.

Some days I feel hate, contempt, anger, and annoyance. With myself. With everyone.

Some days I feel...decent. Alive. Healthy?

Every minute of every day is a battle. Do I do the wrong thing? Or the right thing? It all conflicts. 

I'm feeling explanatory today, as if these simpleton words could unpack my data. AS IF. 

I think I'm going to take those pics from last time down. I was hoping for more comments, honestly. Even mean, brutally blunt ones. I was ready for the insults. Another strange let down.

Life is full of that, isn't it? One step forward, nine steps backward. It's tiring. I am still job-less, but that's perfectly expected, seeing as how I've only applied at two places.

*Two*

I need to get on the freaking ball but I'm having a hard time leaving my comfort zone. Help. Any ideas appreciated.

Today:

Honey nut cheerios (no milk) - 300

Apple - 50

Coffee (black) - 10

Baked tortilla chips -70

Guacamole - 110

I'm guessing high, like always. Those cheerios were eaten last night around 1:30 AM. I obviously have to count those in today's calories so I feel like a heifer right now, plain and simple. Thankfully there was only a tiny bit of guac and chips left so no chance of a binge, not like I wanted to binge today. I need to think thinner. This is getting old.

Once I have a job and feel busy but on a routine and normal again, I know life will be better. I just need to cross this bridge of internal struggle. 

Stay strong !! 

~Sar