Goodbye 2012

Well this will conclude my little posting spree...I think. I'm dressed up, wearing a sexy pink dress, black tights, tall black boots, and pink feather earrings. I look hot. And thin?

On this eve, I'm sipping on a glass of wine before I head to my friend's house for a get together. Then we are off to an outdoor concert where we will surely freeze on this 20 degree night. And I'm wearing a dress. I'm crazy.

I'm also 26 years old and I fear that my priorities are fucked. Someone once told me that, and it kinda stuck. My priority is getting high. My priority is looking good, and thin.

What about the less fortunate? Why don't I volunteer my time and service? Maybe if I took the focus off me for once my eyes and mind would truly open.

Lots of changes ahead...I want to be a better person.

***

J. and I had met for tea a little while ago. We wanted to check in and be sure that we're on the same page before we all hang out in a group tonight. I told him I really like him. He told me he thinks we are better off as friends because "no one wants us together". He is right. Even his sister doesn't like it...I do not fully understand why but I cannot fight it, or beg him to think about it, or anything...I just have to accept it. So that's what I'm doing. I am attempting to accept my broken heart. Again.

And that's where I'm at folks. Hunched over my laptop blasting music wanting to cry and skip out on all of this tonight, but I won't. I will go celebrate and ring in the new year with my friends, because that's what people do: we keep moving forward. There's no other option.

I wish you all the best, and peace, and joy...in the year to come, and every year. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for joining me on my journey. This blog is a good outlet for me.

Stay strong.
Lots of love.
Much peace/mucho paz.

XO
Sarah


Talk to you next year!!!!!! =)

Stubborn Love

"It's better to feel pain,
than nothing at all...
the opposite of love
is indifference."
--The Lumineers

***

You know what this means, right? Things with J. are back to being completely precarious. So. Predictable. Of. Us.

I'm annoyed because all I want to do is push back the feelings for him that I have, but I'm equally annoyed of my desire to detach.

I am a barrel of fun these past two days, contemplative and easily angered. My temper coexists within my mind, not always peacefully.

***

Either way, I'm going to see him tonight, for the third new years eve in a row. We are not back together. We (probably) won't kiss at the strike of midnight. We will (hopefully) make it through the evening with no drama. We have to. I am through with 2012's troubles and moving on with life, even though this particular guy is clearly sticking around for awhile. There's just no fighting it. *sighs*

I'm procrastinating hardcore (gee Sar, I couldn't tell...six posts in two days?). I want to start 2013 off nice and organized. My paper pile/bills/boring shit like that is taking over a corner of my bedroom and I will attack it after I press Publish. I promise!

Cheers!
~S

The door is always open

Best Wishes in the New Year of 2013

XO

Sar

*Thanks for reading*

Gibson

My favorite Christmas present this year is my new Gibson acoustic guitar! Here's two pics!

I've never learned how to play so I'm teaching myself! It came with instructional DVDs so it's my new personal improvement project! Any tips? Do you play? How long on average does it take a person to start playing songs? If they practice daily?

Happy New Years Eve!

I'm enjoying this old Tumblr (link)

http://sugarthighs.tumblr.com/

Do you have any good inspiring links to share?

XO

~s~

What is moving will be still, what has gathered will disperse

Andrew Bird - Tin Foil

"Tin Foil" by Andrew Bird, on Fingerlings 3

Late New Years Eve paper hat on your head
It was hard to believe that you'd ever be dead
And that dream that you're falling you've had since you're five
Is a bird on your shoulder that whispers goodbye

What is moving will be still
What has gathered will disperse
What has been built up will collapse
All of your dreams are fulfilled

Evil Knievel shot up from dead grass
And I loved him better each time that he crashed
And Liza Minnelli spent a month in her bed
She was certain that Skylab would fall on her head

What is moving will be still
What has gathered will disperse
What's been built up will collapse
All of your dreams are fulfilled

Last night I dreamed that I dug my own grave
And I climbed down inside there to patiently wait
And down in the ground while I breathed the cold air
The blackbirds came down there to nest in my hair

What's moving will be still
What has gathered will disperse
What has been built up will collapse
All of your dreams
All of your dreams are fulfilled
Are fulfilled
Are fulfilled
Are fulfilled

Andrew Bird - Tin Foil

Why?

Why do we all hate ourselves so much?

Is there anyone out there, ANYONE, who can really say they have self-love, and practice it daily? If so, comment and tell me how! Please?

I'm sick of the expression, "life is too short". And yet, I say it all the time.

I fear that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I've been thinking about death too much for far too long.
Two days left in 2012, and I couldn't be more ready to move the fuck on.

Sun day, dark soul

It's a sunny Sunday, I'm off, and I have no idea what to do with myself. That's a lie, I have plenty of things I could be doing. But my marijuana-muddled motivation has slipped low, picture me falling down drunk on the icy driveway and laying still instead of standing. That's where I'm at.

So what am I doing? Sipping water and smoking pot and staring at the internet, wanting an option. I know I'm living the life of an addict. What's it going to take for me to stop? This is something my therapist has been really getting on me about. He gets this worried look on his face and speaks to me like I'm idiotic.

I am, I really am, and I'm human too, so the usual excuses can all be applied here. But he expects more of me, like I expect more of everyone. I demand you to jump and I command you to promptly ask "how high?"

Was that a pun? A smoking pun infused into my words like I put it there subconsciously, as if my brain only recognizes the connections between smoking and everything. Do I give my brain the choice? Do I have a choice?

*****

Yours,
Sar

Sipping on some Irish Creme

And just like that, Christmas is over for another year. I had a good one: I got the guitar I asked Santa for. I've been in need of a hobby.

Some goals for 2013: Learn how to play guitar. Make money. Save money. Move out.

That's pretty much it. All achievable.

Tonight I opened an Express card. It paid for my new editor pants and nice buttoned shirts in gorgeous colors. Money I shouldn't have spent but to justify it, now I have enough "business casual" clothes to last awhile for my new job.

I'm excited and nervous and ready to get the heck on with things.

Currently I'm drinking Bailey's Irish Creme on ice. Fattening but soo good and I deserve it tonight. I am trying to be kinder to myself, hence the shopping for nicer pricier clothes and adult beverage indulgence.

My weight did not go up despite the holiday feast. I was very much in control of my food intake, wine on the other hand...well it's all calculated and logged in my Lose it weight loss app.

Have a great day today! Peace :)

XO Sar

2012 is ending on a decent note

I got a full time job!!!!!! Starting January 2, woo! New year, new job!!!

Last night I went to J.'s work holiday party with him. We had a blast and ended the night with karaoke and lots of making out. I can't believe this you guys....and yet I can, it's like I knew all along.

I am feeling very BLOATED today from all the wine last night plus I ate cheese puffs when I got home. Ugh. Salt sucks.

I have to work today and then off for three days! My friends are having a sweet ugly sweater Christmas party on Saturday so I am looking forward to that! More drunken fun with J. and all of our friends? Yes please!

Life is good. If the world ends tomorrow I will at least die happy. If the world doesn't end tomorrow then I'm buying myself some new shoes, to celebrate.

Think thin.
XO
Sar

Random

I planned to post so much more this month. Alas, life. Here's the dish: the entire weekend has been blanketed by sorrow and thoughts of the children and adults killed in CT. What a horrible tragedy, prayers to all affected.

~~~~~~~

Today is Sunday and I'm having a decent one. I slept in, then drank coffee and caught up with my mom for over an hour, which was nice. Then I frosted some Christmas cookies to the music of Pink Floyd (and only ate one!!) Two small slices of cheese and hot pepper pizza were ate by me. More coffee and water.

Time for a shower and then off to work I go for the evening, more hours of my life dedicated to folding clothes in a retail environment. The best (and worst) part of my job is the thin inspiration all around me. The best for obvious reasons. The worst because I constantly compare and beat myself down.

I can't think straight right now. It's 50 degrees in December, rare in North Eastern America. J. and I are on great terms, finally. We are friendly but did kiss the other night. We went to the gym and I did 50 minutes on the elliptical and then played basketball for about 15 minutes. Great workout, I was sweating. It felt awesome to burn some calories.

Things are okay. Are you okay?

XO
sSaRr

Mood swings like whoa

Having a shitty day. About to take a long walk in the cold.

Edit: Had a good long walk with J. It went too quick though. Now I'm back home and miserable again. I hate being in a bad mood but whenever I'm here and there's family around I'm angry. It sucks. My brother's music is blasting, my mom wants to decorate the tree. I want to numb myself or press fast forward on life.

I miss Christmas as a youth, when I actually felt excited for the damn holiday. Since I'm currently feeling so low I don't feel like doing shit with this family of mine. What the hell is wrong with me, who doesn't want to be around their parents? Someone with no real relationship with them. I'm so tired of living a lie.

Edit: I decorated the tree with my mom while my dad sat in the armchair and read a magazine. I am now drinking a cup of hot tea and feeling slightly more relaxed. Peace!

A bag full of thoughts

We made it to the weekend! Tonight I am going to an office xmas party, not just any...it's my last place of employment haha! I'm sure I mentioned that my friend still works there, well I am going along as her date! I am wearing a super cute and fitted black dress, black heels, and gold jewelry  My nails are a deep festive blue with sparkles.

I am currently drinking some delicious coffee called "Jamaican Me Crazy". I watched "The Five Year Engagement" last night and thought it was pretty good. Emily Blunt is so perfectly thin. And her last name rocks.

I'm also smoking and pushing back the guilt because I should really quit if I want to get a real job. Damn drug testing! Stopping college grads from getting big girl jobs since the 80's.

I feel funny about this (edited to say: which I shouldn't, it's my damn blog) but it must be expressed...I feel like my friends are slipping away from me. It's sucky but most likely true. Intuition is usually correct. Yes, I will see my three "closest" girlfriends tonight, and I am looking forward to it, but with a heavy head...

It seems like they haven't been including me as much in previous weekends and also like my texts go unanswered a lot lately. I feel scarily uncertain in my bonds with them in this vague way that maybe only another pot-smoking food-obsessed twenty-something weirdo could understand.

It just occurred to me that it could be me, pushing them away and choosing to surround myself with many men, coinciding with my retail work schedule which includes nights and weekends. So maybe I am overreacting, putting something where there is nothing.

I do that a lot.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

The job interview went really well the other day. I'm hoping for some good news next week. I just want to achieve my goals I WILL achieve my goals!
"I am lucky in career" ~ "I am lucky in love" ~ "I am lucky in life". . .remember this always.

Catch ya'll later.
-Sar

Maybe it's all in my head

I'm dressed to the nines. I have an interview at 1:30 at a staffing agency for a full time job. I NEED this and to prepare, I woke super early. So early in fact that I am completely ready and just sitting here feeling my nerves. I am wearing this sophisticated three quarter sleeve colorfully printed wrap dress, black tights, black heels, and a black suit jacket. I am also wearing a new necklace, a gold bracelet, and gold earrings. My hair looks good. I look good.

And yet I'm fighting back the internal verbal beating that comes along with eating. You see, whenever I have something like this (interview, etc. where I need to be able to think straight) I feel like it's important to eat a substantial breakfast. So I made two scrambled eggs with shredded cheese and two slices of buttered wheat toast. I ate it all, and washed it down with a small glass of orange juice (and lots of coffee). That seems like a decently healthy and protein-filled start to this vegetarian's day.

But I hate myself for eating all of that. It was too much. I am full now. Borderline uncomfortably full. Which as we all know is a shitty fucking feeling. So what's the answer? Certainly not a purge, hell no. I suppose I will just restrict for the rest of the day and drink enough water to cleanse the system. You're welcome, brain. Hope you get me the job.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

I hung out with B. yesterday and got soo stoned. I literally came home and crashed. I was numb after two bongs with him but he was still going strong. He is definitely an addict. Well I suppose I am too. I wonder if this place will drug test?

How many times a day do I look in the mirror and raise my shirt (dress) and critique the flatness of my stomach? Too many. I have to tell myself, I am thinner than my friends. I am thin. I am not fat. I'm starting to think that for many of us, "fat" is a feeling and not an actual size.

Anyone watch Glee? I'm interested to see where they take Marley's bulimia story line. Maybe we'll find out tonight? (Yes I know, I'm a huge dork who loves television about high school haha).

Still no news about my dad. He had his CT scan, now we wait for test results. I'm trying to remember how to pray. Also, that medical billing bullshit I was freaking out about is seemingly resolving itself. So that's good.

Think thin, loves. Wish me luck today, if I can get this higher paying full time job I can actually move out as soon as possible! Which is what I want! I can visualize it but can I make it happen? Hope so!

XO
Sar

Hunger headache

What a day. My anxiety is through the roof, I was awake until 5:30AM applying for jobs and worrying about my financial situation. When my eyes popped open this afternoon my heart immediately started racing and my stomach started burning. I leaped out of bed and sprung into action. I did two loads of laundry.

Then came time to deal with some medical bill bullshit, and my frustration peaked as I reached automated recording after helpless service rep. Needless to say my eyes are not quite done flinging tears out at my face. My desire is to get as fucked up as possible tonight.

..and then my mom knocks on my door to tell me that the Dr. ordered another fucking CT scan for my dad, he's sick again.

Jaw to the floor, too stunned to speak. This year has been a hard one for our family and it's not over yet.

No, we do not get along. Our relationship sucks but he's my dad and I live here with them. I am so ANGRY at the world and ANGRY at myself! I was sobbing so hard that I started hyperventilating and I saw the black creep in around my eyes. I felt a stabbing pain inside and my whole outer body was shaking and weak.

In an attempt to gain control I made some tea and in conversation looked my mom square in the face. I said, "I would rather be dead than live this nightmare of a life. If I wasn't such a coward I would have already killed myself". Do I mean it? Is it bad to send those words out into the ether?

I'm sitting here, hungry, but smoking my first pipe of the day. J. texted me earlier asking if I wanted to get a drink. I might, even though we just hung out last Thursday.

I just got up and looked in the mirror at my solemn face. My skin shows sign of stress. My eyes are red-rimmed and sad, but also slightly vacant due to the puff of pot. Do you ever just look yourself in the eyes? Do you smile or give a dirty look?

God, what a depressing post. My life is not as terrible as I make it sound. All will be alright. I need to find religion again. I must stay positive. Dad will be ok. I will be ok. The family will be ok.

My weight is the same as yesterday. After today I expect it to be down even more.

xo/peace/thinkin thin?

I was down 2.5 pounds today when I woke and weighed myself. Does anyone else hate layering shirts? I think I look so fat when I wear (for example) a tank top underneath a short-sleeved shirt. So it's just my bra underneath.

The best part of working retail is looking at all the thin fashionable and pretty customers. Some are the exact opposite: obese and slovenly, lacking any kind of style. I heard one very large woman grumbling and bitching because "all the clothes are for stick figures", well excuse me lady but we go up to a size 18 for women and if you are bigger than that...well you honestly need to not be. Eat less.

Christ. I'm in a mood. Think thin and have a good day, people. I'm off to work.

Some answers

  Did you see Stick Thin's post, nominating me for the "Liebster Award". Thanks doll, I like awards. Without further ado, here are her questions and my answers:

Favorite TV show: Mad Men.

Childhood secret: Used to spy on my family, ie. listened in phone calls, sat outside my older sister's door when she had friends over.

What kind of make up do you wear? Physicians Formula cover up and blush, Great Lash mascara, black or brown eyeliner, chapstick/lipstick.

Have you ever colored your hair? Many, many times.

What countries have you visited? U.S. (where I live) and Canada.

What is your dream job? Editor.

How long have you been blogging? A long time, since early 2008.

Do you have a pet? If you could what would it be? Yes, one cat - Merlin.

Whats your guilty pleasure food? Ugh food question...it's pizza, of course. Specifically plain cheese or veggie toppings.

What is your favorite workout? Dancing.

Are you in a relationship? Nope, and I like it that way..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well that was fun. In other news, it is Wednesday, almost 3PM, and I'm just waking up, just drinking my coffee...I feel lazy as shit. I feel unmotivated. I don't work until Saturday unless they call me in so I am being a huge bum. 

Last night I spent a long while reading some of my old posts from 2008-2009. God, was I depressed. I don't know how I made it through college. I was definitely trying to kill myself, slowly, from the inside out. Or maybe from the outside in.

But that is history, MY history. It is not perfect, or beautiful...and neither am I. Thankfully I persevered, and I'm damn glad about it. I accomplished my degree and I should feel proud of myself for not giving up when I so clearly wanted to. I told my mom yesterday that I'm sick of being so hard on myself.

Am I though? Someone needs to be, if not me. I've been talking to my ex-boyfriend B. He is so honest with me, he knows me, he knew me way back in the day, the depressed day. He didn't give up on me when I was acting like a fucking train wreck, and because of that, we are friends, four years later. We just get together and smoke sometimes, and text and talk.

Also, we might start sleeping together. I know. But do you guys know how long it's been? A LONG FUCKING TIME. Speaking of which, I finally got my period. Yay/groan.

And speaking of ex-boyfriends, remember that post last week when I said I'd be seeing three of them in one night? Well...it went ok. T. and I said hello and then he basically ignored me because his girl was there. 

You should have saw me that night, you guys...I looked awesome. Seriously a cute outfit and my hair was behaving. T.'s girlfriend was apparently "threatened" by my good looks and "our history" so she screamed some obscenities at me as I left. Awkward. 

Other than that, the night was uneventful. J. was being his usual dopey self, but he did buy me a drink. I spent most of the night dancing, on stage and off, and playing limbo with the band. Good times. 

Seeing T. was actually kind of painful. Especially because his girlfriend is so damn insecure. They've been dating since we broke up, over two years (!), you would think she'd be cool with him saying hello to an old college "friend". But no. Needless to say I've felt a little bad about the whole situation but not really... 

He did text me later apologizing for her behavior but I feel very removed from it all. That night slammed the door between T. and I closed for good. Next time they get in a fight and he sexts me I will just delete it right away. He is honestly pathetic and it feels good to be over it all.

This is getting to be a very long post. I should stop here. But I am so fucking caffeinated, can you tell? I am all over the place. This is why I should update regularly, so it doesn't all come out in a flurry.

Things to do today: clean the litter, laundry, buy some stuff from the drugstore, take back cans and bottles, get gas, get an oil change...an ambitious list. I'll be happy to do at least half of it.

Thanks as always for reading. This blog is truly the best most honest outlet I have. I'm thinking a fast for the rest of the day. I'm sick of eating. It's so disgusting. My Lose it app is very eye-opening. I haven't weighed myself in a few days but I will as soon as my period ends. Here's hoping I'm down another pound or three. Also, coffee empties me out like nothing else, I'm sorry but it had to be said. Think thin. Peace,

XO ~ Sar

I've come so far, in therapy at least...and yet I'm still so goddamn fucked in the motherfucking head. FTW.

*~Happy thanksgiving all! Let's try not to overdo it today, k? Think thin and say no to second helpings! Peace and love!~*

Hello hipbone

Down a pound! Yay! What a great way to start my day.

Who's going out tonight? I am, with a big group of friends including J. We are going to a local bar/restaurant where another ex of mine works, B. There will be three bands performing, one of which has my guitar-playing ex-bf T. from college (any longtime readers remember him?). You read that right, three of my ex-boyfriends, all in one night, all in one building. Damn, I get around.

;)

Wish me luck, haha. Think thin!

Xo

~S.

EDIT:
Don't you love being thin enough to wear midriff-baring crop tops? I feel so sexy and "on trend" with my pink top and jeans right now. Just had to share.

I'm approaching my mission to thin with renewed vigor. I downloaded the Lose it app to my Android phone (didn't realize they made Lose it Android-compatible, last time I had it was on my lost-in-the-fire  iTouch). I have it set up for me to lose a pound a week. I'm ready to lose ten pounds in two months (or less). I can do this.

Work went well tonight. I will be working with some thinspo-riffic girls (and guys!) and I won't be sitting on my ass, that's for sure. I'll be running around the store and lifting and burning calories, woo! The worst part is that it's only part-time and I really like a regular routine. Looks like my hours and shifts will vary but I'll figure it out.

Think thin.

ClusterfucC

Trying not to hate myself is a full-time job. Luckily tomorrow I start work part-time (retail), so in theory I'll be too busy for self-loathing. Why such hate, you might ask? Well to put it bluntly I binged this weekend. Big time. And I'm not happy about it.

I was doing pretty great and actively restricting but my situation started bringing me down. Embarrassingly enough, it was after looking at trendy winter clothing in the advertisements and realizing I have no income and shouldn't/couldn't shop that set me off in tears. Then, even though the LAST thing I should be spending money on is food I bought a bunch of fucking food. And ate it.

And then what do you know? Job offer comes through. And I'm left with a food baby.

Also my ex J. has been contacting me again...and we hung out last week. He invited me to dinner tonight but I declined. He was dating someone for about a month, but they broke up. She dumped him, apparently. Probably because he wasn't over me, that's according to him.

I don't even care. Their breakup is not my concern. He is someone that has taken me this entire year on a wild up and down relationship ride and it was such a fucking bitch to get over. I was FINALLY moving on, dating C., not caring...and here we are, back to square one.

Things between us are seemingly in my hands right now and who am I kidding? I'm thrilled. Just...stressed. And very high. I know that a serious boyfriend would be tough to handle, only because I'm barely handling myself, but nothing is impossible. Baby steps.

Nothing is certain, there are no guarantees. I'm going to occupy myself with my little part-time job and just keep moving forward. Also, I need to stop eating so much.

Want to know what's funny? Seeing J. the other day made me want to eat. I really think that's what happened. Being around him makes me sense my slim physique in a way that I cannot when I'm alone. He is just a taller, broader dude and I feel so perfectly fit next to him.

So in my mind after we hung out I was feeling like it would be alright to eat...a BIG fucking mistake. Because here I am, feeling not fat but not thin. Complaining about a binge on my blog.

What's the point in any of this?

xo, Sar

*EDIT*

I do feel bad that J. and that girl broke up. I honestly do. I know that we didn't cheat but we did text while they were dating. I saw them together a few times (me and J. share a group of friends) and always did my best to ignore J. completely and stay far away from them both, with a reserved polite tone for when I actually had to say hello to her. I know that before they started dating J. and I were hooking up and talking still. I know that he wasn't honest with her about that. So I suppose they were "doomed from the start". I don't know. Just wanted to edit this post to say that I do feel bad and wish them both the best. If things get serious again with J. and I it will only be because love and relationships are more complex than any of us care to admit, and sometimes shit happens. Sometimes life happens. I can rest easy knowing that my love life is up to fate.

*ANOTHER EDIT*

I haven't gotten a period in seven weeks. Going on eight. What. The. Fuck.
No, I'm not preggers...you have to have sex for that to happen. I'm just wondering where it is? Could it be stress? Anyone have a clue?

06/01/10

"It's just that the lonesomeness started rising. Up and up until I'm reaching for food. It surrounds me, it glows puke green and my eyes glaze and the haze all over makes it easier to hide my grazing, for I am truly a cow in a pasture, feasting on filth before the butcher."

No taste

The ONLY good thing about being sick this entire week and basically chained to my bed is that I've had literally no appetite and food does not taste good. Food tastes bad and I just want to lose a few more pounds. Why is losing weight becoming so important to me again? Probably because I stop and admire my naked body before I put clothes on after the shower. Because restriction works and then I want to keep doing it. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or something.

Yay Obama!!! Something to smile about :-)

Sick and I Quit

It's Monday, after such a fun weekend full of partying, and I'm sick as a dog and no call-no showed at work. I can feel my parent's disappointment in me but I have to do what's right. We all have different ideas of right and wrong and something was telling me to leave my job before I got in too deep. Since I only worked there for a week I will not bother listing it on my resume. I am not too ashamed but it feels lame to be back at square one. After all that. Who knows what's going to happen next.

I haven't heard from C. in a few days, he told me he is currently facing a bout of depression. I've been there, I know the lows. It sucks but I am trying to be understanding. My ex J. just added me again on facebook. We were all hanging out on sat. and apparently his new little relationship isn't going well. I had a feeling he might come crawling back and according to him, he "really likes" me still. I have heard that before but we will see.

I'm not jumping into anything just yet. I need to nurse myself back to good health and ace this interview on wed. I can do it. I will not be brought down. I will follow my intuition. I need some hot tea. My stomach is gloriously empty...liquids only for the day.

XO
Sickly Sar

That wonderful feeling when your thin friends bring up weight and you smile inside after they share theirs, knowing for certain now that you weigh less.

I can hear the wind when I look out my closed window watching the trees tremble

Starting a post right now is like the beginning of a phone conversation with a guy you've never talked to on the phone before. How are you? I'm good, what's up? Nothing much, just hanging out...what are you up to? Getting ready to go out to the club and dance on stage with the band. (True story - last night kicked ass!).

It's the weekend! I started working full-time this week and I will say that I like it but waking up at 5:30AM when it's dark and early sucks donkey dick. Two days in I was ready to quit.

I came home and tearfully talked to my mom about why I wanted to quit. Basically I was sent home early my first two days there due to ratios. Since the pay is so low and it's a half hour drive I thought it might not be worth my while, especially since I had a missed call and voicemail from another place calling for an interview. Fate? Needless to say I finished the week and will go back on Monday. I will keep this job until I get hired elsewhere. I had a nice talk with friends about it and found some insight.

Last night was pretty epic. I was with my bestie, we went out and got wild! Lots of dancing and singing along with the band and getting invited to dance on the stage! We saw some old friends too, it was a fun way to end a long, exhausting week. I slept for a solid eight hours and just had a drink of orange juice and a banana.

I am very full. Last night I came home a little buzzed (I was the "Dd" so I had four drinks spaced out over four hours. And we smoked). I had some snacks: a handful of pumpkin seeds, a small slice of pizza with bleu cheese dressing for dipping,  a mini milky way, and randomly, a bit of white rice. Wow, that sounds pretty gross. I hate binging at night regardless of the reason. Drinking and smoking makes me eat. Too much.

So today I'll just take it easy. On the food and on myself. I have a lot on my mind and I need some me time. I don't know what I'm going to do or what's going to happen. I hope the weekend brings goodness and peace.

XO
Sar

Early to rise

Oh hey, I got a job. Finally, right? (It's only been two months, but that was two months too long of a time to not work). I'll be a teacher aide at a daycare/preschool about 30 minutes away. The salary is way less than I was making, plus no benefits for 3 months...either way this is GOOD, so YAY!

I'll be working mornings, e a r l y mornings haha, starting at 7AM. Fuck my life, I've worked nights for years. Today I woke at 8:30AM and currently feel like a zombie; I'm going for paperwork and fingerprinting. Wow. I can't even form a coherent sentence on this blog right now.

Tips on waking up early please my loves?! 

THINK THIN! I'm going to lose some weight on this job! I won't be sitting on my ass all day. I'll be moving around and chasing children, etc. I've decided that I would like to lose 5 pounds before Thanksgiving! The "healthy" way! ;)

More later!

XO

Sar

I have been floated

Oktoberfest party today...food and beer. Just what I need. I'm getting dressed up though, because there's gonna be boys there. And we all know how I'm desperately seeking the male gaze and approval. My weight is steady. My mind not so much. Our road trip last week went very well, we are now seeing each other (C. and I), however he struggles with both depression and addiction like moi. So are we good together? Or a terrible influence? Only time will tell.

I'm rereading The Bell Jar and wallowing in Sylvia's sadness. I'm unable to go a day without weed, my decade-long addiction has reached a new level and it frightens me. I legitimately feel like I cannot stop. Yes, my therapist is aware, and we're going to work on it. I'm proud of myself for sticking it out (talk therapy) for six straight (somewhat successful) months. I believe it's making a difference on my mood. I am still stagnant however, and long for growth, but am frozen by fear. I can be helped, I hope.

Take care and think thin, lovely people of the world.
XO
~Sar

Hey all, just checking in to say HI and that I'm going on a mini spur of the moment road trip with a guy "friend" tomorrow (C.)! Hope it goes well, we're going to spend the night at a hotel so maybe I'll get some action, hehe. I'll be sure to update soon. Hope you're all just peachy :)

Think thin!
XO
~Sar

One more sip of cough syrup

I've gained - I'm ashamed. That's what sitting on my ass day after day will do. Speaking of my ass, it's getting bigger. Speaking of bigger, my stomach is disgusting. I'm getting fat and it's stressing me out.

I'm having one of those days where I hate myself. It's not pretty. I'm blasting music (specifically, music from Glee - yes I am a dork) and sitting here hunched over at my desk in my hoodie and pajama pants. It's three in the afternoon.

No callbacks, no interviews, no prospects. My hope is fading and it's depressing. It's been almost a month without work, and I'm sure this blog is boring because I am boring. I'm a bored boring unemployed loveless asshole. And did I mention my Dad and I had a huge blowout a couple weeks ago? We haven't spoken since. Which makes living together extremely uncomfortable and terrible. Daddy issues, much?

No wonder I haven't found a guy. I hate my Dad which carries over into my romantic relationships. Meaning I hate men. *Sighs* Goddammit. When will I fix this? The only thing keeping me afloat is therapy. Every three weeks like clockwork. My therapist is fucking helpful. I wish I could see him every week, but money is sort of an issue. I wish I could call him during moments like this. But what would I say? I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate my Dad, I hate the world.

I'm hurting. I'm trying to stay positive (yeah right, you're probably thinking) but it's damn near impossible on days like today. I have shit to do but I don't feel like it. I have no one to talk to right now. Everyone is at work. Oh cruel world, please offer me a olive branch. A chance. A job offer. A friend.

I want to work. I want to contribute to society. I don't want to sit home and suffer, I don't want to feed my fat, I don't want to be crippled by my addiction to marijuana.

I want to stop hating myself. But right now I don't know how. Every time I light up, every time I binge eat, every time I sleep in and don't shower for hours because why not? nowhere to go no one to see, every time I open my eyes from an afternoon nap, every time I look in the mirror, I hate me. Every time I text my ex-boyfriend, every time I daydream about a better life when the dull one I have consumes me, I am miserable. Every minute of every day of every week of every blunt of every sip of beer I am grotesque. Lord help me.

OK I'm officially bored. I need a job. Haha, I'm sure you knew that was coming. It's been 2 and 1/2 weeks of "vacation/self-discovery/laziness/party mode". I am ready for routine and weekly paychecks. I must be patient and remember all my reasoning for taking this leap. If only my marijuana-muddled mind would comply.

I feel so.

That feeling. Maybe they don't actually want what's best for you. Maybe they just want you to fulfill their lives unmet expectations and goals. Maybe they are secretly sabotaging you. Maybe they hate you, maybe they hate that you're pretty and smart and externally confident. Maybe they hate themselves. Maybe they wish they were divorced and dating anew. Maybe they didn't really want kids but thought they should conform. Maybe they dropped you as a child and live with the guilt. Maybe they fed you orange Hi-C in your little kid cup or sweets for snacks because of their ignorance. Maybe they have no idea how to be a parent, even though you are their 3rd. Maybe they truly don't know what they're doing to you. Maybe they know but maybe they don't give any kind of shit.

*Looking for a bridge to jump off*

The weather is thunder

Thanks for the birthday wishes. I'm feeling considerably better today. It's raining cats and dogs and I'm glad, because we need it. My mood is somewhat stable, I've received lots of love via text and Facebook - which makes me feel popular. Anything feels better than lonely and depressed. E. continues to text me. Don't think I've heard the last of him, but it's ok if I never see/hear from him again. Because I deserve better, and furthermore I'm not really wanting a serious commitment at the moment. Doesn't mean I'd pass it by, but I'm trying to prioritize. 

My focus has for too long been on men and dating and finding love and pursuing crushes. I'm putting all that jazz on the back burner, starting now. I'm 26 and it's about time I grow up a little.

I'm wearing a pink party dress and about to go get some Thai food with the family. Hope you're all having a good day.

XO

~S

Nothing is everything

Depressed again and tomorrow is my birthday. I've been talking (or so I thought) to E. since May and we just finally had our "blow out", meaning I screwed things up to a point that cannot be fixed, and he no longer wants anything to do with me. I hoped for more, did my best to prolong it all, sent him a nude pic, and got rejected. Again.

Christ, this has been a string of rejections for how long? Two years? A lot of fucking years. I am the common denominator; I am flawed.

Needless to say I'm feeling pretty bad for myself on this birthday eve. I'll be 26, with no job and no romantic prospects in sight. GOD DAMMIT! This is not what I want.

Am I so pathetic that I still want him to want me, I still want to fuck him, I still want it all but it's just so out of reach!?

I'm getting older but perhaps not wiser. I need to be better. I WILL. I WILL PROVE EVERYONE WRONG AND MAKE EVERY GUY WHO HAS EVER REJECTED ME REGRET THE DAY HE PUSHED ME OUT OF HIS LIFE.

Or, I'll just do me. Live for me and no one else, only family.

***

Tonight: I'm going to smoke and maybe watch ''Breakfast at Tiffany's''. Audrey Hepburn is so beautifully thin, it's very inspiring.

Tomorrow: I'm going to wake up with a smile on my face, eat a nice breakfast with coffee, shower, and do something, anything, to fill the time. And then dinner with my family and drinks after with my friends. For me. To celebrate me.

I need to be happy, I need to be ok. I need to keep moving, and stay strong, and be smart.

~Peace

Since when I am the responsible one?
There's nothing for me here.
It might be time to move..

It's so embarrassing to need someone like I need you

I'm free at last. Tonight was it, no more work. I was super emotional but my attempts at composure surely were noticed.

I'll miss most of them, some of my coworkers were absolutely wonderful. Especially one, a married man, who I'm reluctantly realizing that I had a total emotional affair with.

Christ. What is wrong with me? Over the past year he became my confidant, my buddy. The weird thing is that I was never attracted to his outside appearance. It just felt like we had so much in common, and we both love music, and dig the Flaming Lips, and his wife is a vegetarian so we talk tofurkey, blah blah, etc, etc. I never mentioned him on here, because it really was only a work thing, not sexual in any way.

Saying goodbye to him was an entire day's process. He sat by me and made conversation for hours, resulting in him admitting that he'd miss me. It was awkward, but special in a way. I consider him a coworker turned great friend. I'm just surprised with myself, I guess. I've felt like giving him my email address or something, but I didn't. Of course not. He's married and that's that.

Because I've been down that road. It's not pretty. It leaves ugly scars and forever affects your relationships with everyone. 

In other news, after work, I met up with E. That was...interesting. And that's all I'll say in case he finds this. I told him about it, haha. But the likelihood of him finding it is slim. So let's just say that I want to see him again, even though we live in "different counties".

But distance is distance, and I've been keeping it. From everyone. I've also been argumentative and petty. Tonight I got in two "fights" with two of my closest friends, at different times, regarding completely different circumstances. It was awful.

I'm...awful.

***

~S

Picking up the pieces of my most recent impulse

I have three days at work left. I called in "sick" yesterday and spent the day poolside, drinking wine with a close friend. I'll go back today with my head held high. I believe that my coworkers are thinking less of me by the day, which is actually just fine. They can think what they want, I refuse to live my life based on fears of how others perceive me. 

I have not yet found another job but I will. I feel like quitting is helping me lose weight. It's now becoming apparent that I was stress-eating/binging after work because of a deep unhappiness, perhaps at a subconscious level, which could explain why it took 14 months of working in manufacturing hell for me to realize. 

The hunger at night is just not there. I'm focusing on the next three days and then freedom is mine to relish. I can almost taste it, if only one could taste the intangible. If only one had working taste-buds. Smoking kills.

On a lighter note...

Do you like of Montreal? I've had "Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?" on repeat lately. I'd love to see them live. 

My brain senses it's time to shower and get ready for work. Three days, God help me, let me make it. I've had my coffee and breakfast, it's time. You can do this. So can you. You can also be as thin as the women in these pictures. So can I.

It just takes discipline and desire. In that order. Peaceful thoughts, positive vibes. Love and lust. Te Amo. Merci beaucoup. You're welcome.

XO

Sar

*

*

have I lost it?

I can finally feel the weight lifting

Well I quit my job and there's no looking back. I've been wanting to do this for a long time and the least I could do was give them (just about) two weeks notice. My last day is next Friday and I really can't WAIT to be done with that place forever.

I'm moving on and up. I have faith in myself. I can get a better job. I will.

My vacation went by too fast but it was wonderful and just what I needed. I'm really starting to believe everything happens for a reason. There's just something about getting out of dodge for awhile that shows a person what the hell else is out there. Lots.

I want more and I'm going to get it.

I'm down three pounds and trying to keep decreasing my weight. I hooked up with E. the other night. Hopefully there's more where that came from.

Time to drag myself to work. Eight more workdays. Can I make it without calling in sick? Hope so, because I'm going to want these last paychecks in their entirety.

Thanks for your comments on that last post. Life is too damn short to rot in some meaningless job. Peace, Loves.

XO
Sar

Input needed

Is it ever ok to quit your job without another lined up?

I've been feeling so huge, so I pulled out the tape measure. I've actually lost inches. Around my hips and waist. WTF? I guess I'm not complaining - I'm just confused. How is it possible to feel like you've gained, to have the scale reflect these changes, only to see that inches are melting away?

I have no idea if I'm fat or not, and it's stressing me out. After my shower I'm going to measure again, everything, just to be sure.

***

I'm leaving on a jet plane tomorrow, I can't wait to get away for a bit.

Days of late

Sunday evening. It rained on and off today, I've shifted from one spot in the house to the other, usually sitting. My bed covers are half done in the wash. I am showered and fed. I am stoned. I am probably going to blow some bucks at Target shortly. I'd like some more clothes, new pillows, and I'll take a look at the totes.

Last night was fun and very relaxing. I just chilled with my bestie. We were planning to attend an outdoor concert but it got rained out. So we went to the casino for a few drinks and to try our luck with the slots. I lost $10 and promptly cut myself off. We ended up at the grocery store and drunkenly walked the aisles looking for munchies. We were talking to a cop. We went back to her house and smoked some pot, played Wii, sat out in the gazebo and talked and drank for hours...it was splendid.

Except for the sheer amount of calories I consumed. I feel fat and disgusting today. It didn't help at all that we ate so late. I did not properly digest before hitting the couch to pass out.

I love that her and I were able to catch up. We I needed it.
I guess I'm not feeling very expressive. I am talked out.

Here's to a successful restriction from here on out.

***

XO
Sar

My bones aren't lying, I'm not fat, I just feel fat. Feeling fat fucking sucks. But it could definitely be worse.

Ohhh my G, I need to stop binging. Please please please stop eating so much.

I'm thinking of those in the Denver, Colorado area. My prayers to all involved with the movie theater massacre. Life is fucking short and I'm just so sorry.

Time bomb

I'M AN IDIOT!!!!!!

J. blew me off last night. Just called him and he didn't even answer. I fucking hate men almost as much as I hate myself. My stupid fucking self.

My head feels like it's going to explode. I don't know what to do with myself. The anger is stiffening my muscles, preparing me to fight. I'm pissed.

SO MUCH FOR BEING FRIENDS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yet I was stupid enough to hook up with him last weekend. So. Stupid.

Never. Again.


TO GOD/VENUS/UNIVERSE:
CAN I PLEASE JUST LEARN THIS LESSON PLEASE????
-SAR




****************
Edit:
He just called me back, I did not answer.

My heart beats rapidly the second I open my eyes from sleep

I'm in a mood. I'm hungry. I hate love this feeling. Will I eat? Probably, a little something. Only because I just worked 8 hours, I'm getting over being sick, and my body needs some fuel. Just a bit.

I'm definitely losing weight again, my ribs are pretty defined. I enjoy looking at them. My skin is unfortunately freaking out. At first I thought it was heat rash, but now I'm thinking it's anxiety. My racing heart and inability to breathe normally and paranoid thoughts speeding through my brain are driving me crazy. It's enough to make me nauseous. I've swallowed down puke several times. I don't deserve that easy release. Plus it fucks with my teeth. And we all know how vain I am.

I don't know how long it's been since I posted, but I can assure you that much has happened. For starters, I went camping for that music festival last weekend. It was fun! And I hooked up with J. (my most recent ex-boyfriend). Lovely, right? No sex, thank the Lord, but pretty damn close. And then the next day we held hands and acted all cuddly for the fireworks.

So yeah, I'm confused. I was just FINALLY getting over him, and all the breakup drama, and now we are meeting Friday night for a drink and a talk about what happened?!

It's not that I want to get back together, as of right now I am pretty certain that I'm not ready for a relationship. I just would like to know how he feels about what happened. I would like to discuss why that shit went down, and try to make it clear that we can't just "hook up" whenevs. It does play with my heart and that sucks. We will hopefully set some boundaries and hey, I'm open to what the future brings should he desire to rekindle. Not that my hopes are up or I have any sort of expectations..

Somewhere in my mind or soul or heart or wherever subconscious thoughts lay, I feel like I love him. But that's ridiculous, right? It can't be love. I always think it's love. We're not even DATING for crying out loud. We are nothing, barely friends. And yet, last weekend there was still something there.

*Sighs*

I'm going to pack a bowl and call it a night. Thanks for listening.
Think thin =)

XO
~Sar

Too hot to eat

I'm sitting here melting in this heat. At least being super hot doesn't trigger my appetite. All I've had so far is some cut up watermelon and drinking some coffee now. I bought "Wasted" and started rereading it, for inspiration. I'm about a quarter through. It's like bumping into an old friend, good ol' Marya and her fucked up tale of thin.

I went on a date last weekend and got too drunk. He has been texting me though, so maybe not all is lost. Or maybe he just wants to "fix" me. Or maybe he's just as bored as I am.

I'm holding steady at 136, just in time for period bloat and bitchiness. I wake up every day and my hands make their way to my bones....my hip bones and ribs. I need to stay disciplined, I've been doing ok. Going to bed sort of hungry, waking up and making smart choices, saying no when my brain asks for a binge. It takes work but it's worth it and I know it.

My ex bf J. (the most recent, we broke up a few months ago) is having this huge summer party and invited all of my friends but me. It sucks to be excluded. It's not that I want or expect an invite, it's just reality sinking in that we fucked up our group of friends and caused an internal division that may stick.

I'm annoyed today. It's probably the heat. And my fat thighs - those really annoy me.

Peace, kids.

I don't want to be in love

I'm doing better. I woke up today 2 pounds down from Monday and that is a (slight) relief. I can't let myself get that bad, I need to stay in control. I am currently drinking coffee and doing laundry. Work soon. I am angry though, about some shit that went down at work yesterday. Hopefully nothing carries over to today. I honestly am just so done caring what anybody thinks. You don't like me? Fine, stay away/don't talk to me. Don't care. I'm there for the paychecks and health benefits..

Of course the drama I'm describing revolves around D., this guy I've been crushing on for months. He's a flirt. I could get into it, but I don't really want to/care enough. I tried showing him the light...I even sexted him. He is not doing anything about it, getting shyer and shyer around me it's sickening. But he can flirt for hours with this fat annoying bitch. OK D. Whatever.

Two days until the weekend and I really can't wait. I just need to NOT BINGE this weekend, lol. I can be strong, especially if I put on my bikini and go the beach or something.. Oh and it's Father's day on Sunday of course. So I need to buy him something.

God I'm in a shitty mood like always lately. I need to get laid I think. Or I could count my blessings. Or not.

The proof is in the pudding

Just binged for the 5th straight day. I am disgusting and feeling very fat. There's always a reason, right?

But nothing huge has even happened! I've just been stressed, anxious, and lovesick. NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON!...LIKE THERE EVER REALLY IS.

I am struggling struggling struggling .

I am trying like heck to not hate myself.

I need to STOP THIS and GET OVER IT and STOP FUCKING EATING!

(warning! food ahead)

~

Tuesday, June 12:
chunks of watermelon, strawberries, bowl of 2 kinds of cereal with almond milk.
salad with small amount of mozzarella and italian dressing. banana. cereal bar.
macaroni and cheese with broccoli "stouffers" tv dinner. entire can of fat free refried beans mixed with shredded lettuce and spinach, mozzarella and cheddar cheese, salsa, hot sauce. served with tortilla chips.

~

Isn't that a TON and WAY TOO MUCH for today? Thank God the day is done and I am so full my stomach hurts. I WILL NOT puke, not going there.

I need discipline and will power and strength to overcome these past few days.
I will do anything to lose this stomach fat.
I've probably put on 5 pounds since Friday and I WILL lose it! And then some!

Being thin is everything in this superficial world

On second thought, I need to get the fuck out. Living here is making me crazy. My brother's girlfriend is over all the time, sleeping over, etc. They cook together. She's nice, but it's all too "in my face", reminding me that I'm so pathetically, desperately, single.

Also, my Dad is an asshole depending on his mood. Today, he talked down to me and laughed with contempt in front of the lovebirds. I had just woken up, didn't even have a sip of coffee at that point. Which was probably good, because had I been more awake, I would have snapped back - leading to an altercation. Glad you're feeling better Dad, but don't be a dick.

And my Mom? Well...she's a lunatic. She has her moments when she's nice. Mostly she's impossible to talk to and it's nauseating to watch her "baby" and enable my brother.

I need to get out. Fuck the music festival. Fuck going to see my sis. I need to move the fuck out as soon as possible. It's what I really want. I don't need to be totally selfish this summer, I just need to practice preservation of the self. That involves me doing what's best for everyone. Once I move out my family will maybe find some peace. I'm 25. It's time to get on with life. This has been an...interesting year and a half at home since graduating college. It's time to spread my wings.

If only I could FIND a damn apartment! You wouldn't think it'd be so hard, but it is, considering I have a pet. Also, it's just me, and 1 bedrooms seem to be the exception and not the rule. I won't give up though!

I'll never give up.

I'm feeling thinner today. I've been restricting hardcore. My period bloat always freaks me out and throws me off. I must remember that it's water weight on the scale but that doesn't seem to assuage my panic. Being thin is everything in this superficial world. That'd be a decent title for this post. Done!

Peace, people.
Think thin thoughts.
Don't eat dessert...ever.

XO
~Sar

One always has options

There are three things on the horizon that I want to do, but I really don't see them all happening due to money, time, and my lack of vacation hours. There are advantages and cons to all.

1. Move out. I've started looking at apartments. If I do this soon, I will not have the money for...

2. Music festival next month that all my friends are going to. I went last year and had a blast! My ex will be there though.

3. Visit my sister and nephew down South. It's always fun to travel, and I miss them like crazy.

Choices, choices. #FirstWorldProblems, I know. I just want to be smart about spending. My gut tells me to stay living at home for the summer, so I can more freely buy a concert/weekend camping ticket and a plane ticket.

And then what though? Make the big move out this Fall...would that be my best option? Can I really last living at the place where even my shrink thinks is "psychologically damaging"? I'm repressed and inhibited, but I'm able to live comfortably, spending on what I may, not paying utilities, etc. Maybe I'll just sit back and relax/vacation the next few months...

Sounds like a plan.

____

Current weight: 135. Disgusting. I'm so fat. Trying like hell to starve myself back to 130, my ideal weight.

Think thin, think smart...

~Sar

I had a dream I got shot

The other day I woke with a start, I had a painful leg cramp aka a "charlie horse". Holy fuck, it hurt so bad that I started crying. I randomly remembered this last night, as I was eating a banana before bed. I had heard that potassium helps such things. Well Murphy's law strikes again. Early this morning I woke up to excruciating pain in my calf...I could feel it pulsing. It was crazy and it hurt like fuck. I rubbed it until the intensity subsided and then drifted back to sleep, only to be woken up by my dad using the bathroom.

Yes he's back home, did I tell you that? But he still has 2 tubes..."bathroom" tubes that he has to empty. It's fucking disgusting. Why am I focusing on my disgust when I should reveling in the gratitude I feel that he's home and not in the horrible hospital? Probably because I am easily grossed out. I just would prefer not to know. But his little tube filled with something yellow (pee?) dangles from his waist and it's all I can do not to stare.

Lose your appetite yet? I did. But I just ate 2 slices of wheat toast. 1 with peanut butter, 1 with almond butter. Not a bad breakfast, but I slept late again (every day this week) and now I'm going to have to scramble to be ready for work. Also I need to stop at the gas station.

Since I woke up in such a rotten, emotional mood, I decided to get high to alleviate my drama. I definitely do not usually do this before work but it'll be fine. My cat scratched the shit out of my hand so I've got some more battle wounds. Seems like I'm always hurting myself. I've had cuts and bruises on my hands consistently for the past month or so. Guess I'm just not paying attention to what I'm doing. I've never been one to just live in the moment, my head is often out in space...dwelling and planning.

I'm glad it's Friday. I really need to get a "move on". Literally and figuratively. I need to move out! I'm ready to be out of here! If only for some fucking privacy, peace, and quiet. 

Time to get ready for work. At least D. will be there, sparking some lustful thoughts and a becoming blush.

XO

Sar

May flowers?

Sometimes I forget how to breathe.
Sometimes I forget how to walk.
Sometimes I forget who I am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've neglected blogging because I stopped caring about sharing myself with others. I stopped wanting to express my innermost self through the written word.
It used to be treat. Or maybe just a ruse. I feel like fraud, coming back to Blogger, hoping that maybe you're still out there. I suppose I could pretend that you are.

An update of sorts:

I'm enjoying the single life. I'm talking to C. again, and still crushing on D. from work. Ah, to be young and boy-crazy.

I've been smoking pot every single day sometimes all day. It's too much, and I reassure my therapist I will try to quit, but can I?

My dad is still in the hospital. He had major open surgery almost 2 weeks ago. It took the surgeons 12 hours to remove the tumor. He will be ok. Our relationship is improving. I feel that we dodged a bullet.

I'm slipping. I'm eating. I hate myself every other day. This year has gotten off to such a rough start. First the breakup with J. and then my dad getting seriously sick so suddenly. I'm trying to stay positive despite the stress but it's fucking impossible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Currently listening to Regina Spektor. Smoking a bowl. Drinking water. My neck aches from headbanging to some rock music the other night. My body is supremely exhausted and begging for sleep. My car's gas tank is thirsty for gas, all the driving to visit my dad in the hospital is taking a toll on my wallet.

Complaining, is that what this is? Who the fuck am I? Some jaded working class citizen with a need to be thinner and the willingness to starve. I am sofucked up.

Whatever. I'll change when I want to.

Peace.

-s

Crushing blow

Hello World. I'm currently sitting on my bony ass and listening to the Beatles while chewing the inside of my lips and mouth raw. I'm also smoking. I caved and bought again even though my therapist thinks I should quit and I told him I would try. I suppose it'll take time.

I feel like I've been eating too much. My mom said the other day that I look like I've "lost weight". I told her I have. She said, "it's not like you were big before". I said nothing but thought to myself, lies.

I bought a pair of size 4 jeans, and a size 3/4 skirt last weekend. They fit perfectly. I am smaller yes, but my belly remains (in my eyes). I've been eating kind of shitty and it's stressing me out.

I am distracted by the onslaught of this intense crush on D., the guy at work. My attraction towards him has been steadily growing, thanks to some conversations, laughs, and heavy eye contact and work is just a million times better, haha. He is hot! but not in a conventional way, and he's funny and smart.

I don't like him. I don't! I just want to do him. Is that so bad?

I just need to stop getting weak in the knees in his presence. I stroll by his desk constantly (the way the room is designed, (un?)fortunately) and suddenly I forget how to walk. I have to chant walk,walk in my head so I don't jump him, or stop to talk, or something! What is with me?

Rebound much? He's definitely aware that I recently got out of a relationship and hopefully he doesn't think I'm too nutty for getting a tad gaga around him these days! Who cares what he thinks? Not me, not really. Trying not to, I mean. 

***

In other news, I phucking love music.

***

pEacE

<3

Xo ~ Sar

My life has more in store

It's been two years. A long time, really...since the fire. The fucking stupid fire that put me at a crossroads that I've resented ever since. Today is the "anniversary". It's also just another day. I'm getting ready for work.

It's funny how work becomes your life. Day in, day out with the same people, doing the same things. Sometimes on the weekend I panic due to lack of routine. I'm off tomorrow (for Easter) and while I'm happy about it, I'm also wondering WTF am I going to do? Oh yeah, my taxes. I've been putting them off and the due date grows ever closer.

My stomach has felt sick for days. We found out that my Dad is definitely having an 8 hour surgery that will keep him in the hospital for up to 2 weeks. I'm pretty worried about him. I'm sick of stress.

Haven't seen ex J. in awhile, which is good and helping me get over him. Remember back in like December when I confided in you that I have a tiny workplace crush on a cute boy? Well I still do, and checking him out during the day is a wonderful distraction.

I really don't think he's "interested", I just think there is a small slight attraction. Whatever, it's fun.

The 10 pounds I lost after my breakup have mostly stayed off, but I've allowed myself to gain one or two this week (coinciding coincidentally with period week). Isn't that strange? I actually felt "too thin"...all my jeans were hanging off me and it looked bad! So right now I'm at 135 and I feel ok with it...for now. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to lose the weight, but I also like having an ass and boobs.

Have a peaceful day.
XO
~Sar

Roller coaster ride

Well that was one long, drawn out, messy, painful, stupid breakup with J.

Over a month of fights, tears, texts, two random hook ups, awkward encounters around our friends (because YAY we have all the same friends!! note to self: never date another friend), more tears, misplaced hope that we would reconcile (we didn't but came close), and perhaps most importantly....weight lost.

Today I weighed in at 132. A couple months ago I was in the low 140's....success??

My relationship failed but I'm really thin. ALL of my clothes are baggy...it is interesting. I keep buying size 6 jeans like it's still my size...it's not, they are too big!! Guess I'm a 4 now. My shirt size is small. Even my fat thighs are shrinking a bit, which is wonderful. I'll take some pics one of these days, before and after style.

As for me? Well...I'll be alright. I cried this morning when I woke up, because it does hurt. It fucking HURTS. But J. does not like me anymore. I ruined it by fighting with him and acting crazy jealous insecure you name it. Also I think there could be someone else...

Learn from me. Don't make my mistakes. You all know how much I liked him, how happy I was for a "normal and healthy" relationship....that didn't last. Nothing lasts forever and I'm telling myself that this HAD to happen, in order for me to achieve a higher level of understanding about men, myself, life, etc.

Right?? Isn't that all you can really do? Hope it all happened for a reason? I'm grasping at strings, as per usual.

***

Sorry I haven't blogged more about it, faithful readers. I've been avoiding the clarity that comes with writing because I've had tunnel vision. I am now in serious need of perspective, so I'm back to bare it all.

Work is going well. My family is doing alright, my Dad is feeling a little better (all tests thus far have been inconclusive) so THANK YOU for your prayers and well wishes!!!! I actually bought a new (2010) car a few weeks ago! It's red :) That's what hard work gets me. A feeling of accomplishment.

A new car is something I've wanted (and needed) for awhile, but I had to wait for the right time to purchase. Since I'm still living at home and trying to save money, it seemed ideal for me to just jump the gun. So far so good.

I'm still smoking up every single day. I'm in therapy still. My therapist told me that I need to stop smoking and learn to "self soothe"...seems great but in reality I'm still pretty fucking addicted.

Like right now, I'm smoking and drinking coffee. Just had 2 pieces of buttered rye toast.

See, that's the weird thing! (Sorry, tangent time) I do eat! Fatty shit! But my taste for food is just....gone. It's hard to swallow. My stomach is constantly turning and tumbling. It could be the stress from this month and half long break up drama with J. But isn't that giving him too much credit?

I'm the one with the discipline here. When did this blog make the switch from normal to ana? 2009? This has absolutely been a work in progress!!! I've found success, despite the avenue that inspired me the most.

Maybe J. just doesn't like skinny girls. The other night he fucked me from behind, his hands holding my bony hips.

***

Much to think about, as always. How are YOU?

XO
Sar

Freaking out

I've lost about 8 pounds in the past couple weeks. I'm so fucking stressed. I got my first "mean" anonymous comment on my last post. J. and I got back together but on serious rocks. Just got home from work and I'm having a panic attack. My heart is racing, I'm shaking, I feel like I'm going to throw up. God help me.