As 2023 winds down, I wind up

It's been awhile since I've blogged. Had to force it. Life has been somewhat tragic lately. 

Sitting in my home on a rainy Thursday night. Cozy but alone. Well, the cat's here. He's my little buddy. My boyfriend and I are going away for New Year's Eve weekend. Looking forward to getting away from it all. 

There's been a lot going on: multiple family members sick, one in hospice. My boyfriend needs a major surgery, we just found out. I've been depressed. Work has been difficult. I've been living in an extended state of anticipatory grief about my close family member being terminally ill, and finding out my beloved boyfriend's condition has been shocking and devastating. The implications are real. We have already decided to put off marriage and starting a family for at least another year. I feel the weight of expectations to be his care taker without the privilege of being his wife. This is causing resentment to build within. I have not told him this, however.

It's been a week since we found out and it's already affecting us. We've both been stressed and depressed. I'm trying not to be distant but I've been needing space due to the weight of it all. Worried sick about my family every day. Struggling through the holidays. It's hard to believe that less than three months ago I was in the mountains enjoying life.

I tried to cut back on weed - went ok for awhile. I was only using a pen or edible for about a month and a half. I bought nugs a week or two ago and have been partaking in joints. But my anxiety is through the roof. I don't think weed is helping me. I'm just addicted and weak.

I know I need to be strong right now. People are depending on me. But I feel like shit. I want to run away. I'm in constant pain. I don't know if I know how to help myself. My trust in myself is weak. My skepticism and pessimism grow deeper. If only I could reset my brain. 

Writing it all out hurts too.

More later, hopefully.

-S

9/9

The last thing I feel like doing is writing and reflecting. I'd much rather succumb to quick hits of dopamine via weed or reels. In fact, I'd rather be working. Alas, it must be done. I am flailing lately. Shit's been rough.

I have no excuse for my reservations. It's Saturday. I had breakfast, coffee, checked the mail, did the dishes, smoked half a joint. I've got music on. It's time.

My birthday was this week. That was the highlight of the week. Last weekend, I met up with family to have dinner for me and my dad's birthday. We were born days apart, but different years obviously lol. 

It was tough on my mental state leading up to. I haven't seen them since May. We had the whole father's day drama occur. I had some nerves regarding how it would be, how I would feel, and how my dad would look. He's been quite sick for over a month. They are still trying to figure out what's going on. 

It went fine, other than some initial awkwardness. Also the fact that my father is as thin as me. Very frail looking and weak. I'm worried about him. 

He didn't text or call me on my actual birthday and that threw me for a loop this week. It brought my mood and self-esteem down. My therapist says it's all part of the established pattern of disappointment and encourages me to lower my expectations. Is expecting your dad to wish you a happy birthday within the realm of high expectations? I think not. But, thinking that way isn't really getting me anywhere. Hoping my dad will communicate with me hurts me every time. 

Due to my spotty ability to control my mood, this week also had lots of fighting with K. Like to a point of nearly calling it quits on the relationship. I take stuff out on him. I am so triggered by seemingly everything. I'm trying pretty hard to retrain my animal brain and sometimes I do ok and more often than not I completely fail. It's painful. I want to see myself in a good light, but that is not possible when I get so mad at him. I have anger issues and we both know it. 

I don't necessarily think breaking up with him is the answer. I feel that we share a true connection and there is a lot of love and great experiences between us. But we fight too much. 

...but you know what? There has been too much fighting in every romantic relationship I've ever been involved in.

*mic drop*

No, seriously. I'm the problem.

It fucking sucks.

I need more help than I'm getting or I need to try something new. Like quitting weed, mama's little helper that I do daily without fail. Or working out regularly. Or volunteering my time to the less fortunate. Something.

But how to make myself make a change? I struggle to feel motivated. I put a lot of energy into my actual job that pays the bills, and spend a million nights getting high by myself.

Knowing I'm using as a crutch and actually forcing myself to stop are two different things. I have to understand why it's so daunting to quit. Or even stop for 1 day. I tell myself it's ok, it's medicinal. And yeah sure, it is. But it's also my Achilles heel. It's holding me back.

Help?

I suppose now is a good time to remind myself that I have managed to control my drinking. I rarely drink. And when I do, it's completely limited and in capable hands. I feel good about it. I should think that if I can do that I can do it with weed. Because I always loved drinking. The problem is that I've always loved weed so much more. 

Weed is a security blanket. It wraps me in a dull buzz. I feel detached from literally everything. I become more aware of my brain-body connection. I become quiet, drawn inwards. My body wants to rest. My brain wants sometimes to explore and other times to be in the moment observing. It's fun. It's also kinda boring when it's all I ever do after work at night. I really need to get a handle on it. Sometimes I can be productive on it, but that's usually only when I'm feeling productive prior to getting high. 

I gotta do it. Will I? Who fucking knows. 

Peace.

~S

Summer

Well it's been awhile! I left off describing family dysfunction but I'm back to basically just vent. I feel like I'm going to explode or combust or cry. Why? No real reason. But also, a million reasons. Backing up just a bit, I set some boundaries with my parents and I can honestly say it worked. At the time, when I was being ignored, but not giving in, it felt like hell. I ached. I cried. I obsessed. But I held my ground. Once the ice was broken (by my mom), I responded with zero grudge. She reciprocated warmly. It felt like a small win.

But as we began chatting more, I got filled in on some tough news. My older half brother has cancer that is spreading. He's been sick for a couple years. It is now untreatable and he has been referred to hospice. It's weird even typing that out. I feel detached and numb about it. We are not close, but I have a lifetime of memories. He's family. 

I'm just sitting here, trying to know what to say but what can you say? Cancer sucks. I am grateful that he is not in pain (allegedly). I hope for a miracle. I know he's looking for a clinical trial. But the truth, the goddamn bitch of a truth is that he could be gone before Christmas. It's a lot.

So I'm enjoying life when I can. It's all fun and games until you get robbed though. Yup, my phone got stolen at a music festival a few weeks ago. That was an expensive life lesson. I'm not getting into it though. I've talked about it enough. I bought another phone and added insurance to my plan. Fuck anyone who steals.

Work is kicking my ass. We've been dealing with the wildfire smoke. Things with K. are solid. My mental health is not.

I had a cavity filled. Now I need a night guard. I've spent so much money at the dentist and on therapy this year already. Feels like all I'm doing is spending.

Oh, and that raise I negotiated? Still not seeing it in my paystub. I've already followed up twice. What a fucking joke. Trying to stay patient and calm. Failing and feeling overcome with anxiety.

As I get this all out, I recognize that shit has been bleak. I want to feel happy. I recognize that, despite the madness, life is going pretty well for me. But I just don't know sometimes. Life is hard. Really fucking hard and you gotta be tough. I can be tough. I just get tired of being so tough and on guard. But it's the only way. Keep on keeping on.

Maybe next time I'll have a plethora of good to share. Be well, all.

Love, Sar xo

The F Word

Father's Day. I sit here alone at 1:00 in the afternoon. Got out of bed past noon. Shit is bleak. 

Here's why:

About two weeks ago my mom said they were having an afternoon cookout on father's day. I felt good about this since we have not had a family get together in the past year and we've lost my aunt and uncle. She said K. was welcome too.  

A week or so later she told me it was postponed due to my aunt being sick with covid-19. And then this past Wednesday evening she said to "be at" their house by 9:00AM for breakfast. Family only. Their house (my childhood home) is a 35 minute drive away. I was immediately put off by this plan for a couple reasons:

1. We always meet somewhere halfway at a restaurant for mother's day and father's day. This is literally what we always do and is a convenient courtesy and compromise that I am on board with. My car has over 100k miles and is very old. Since we weren't doing the cookout it seemed logical that plans would change to this.

2. I work full time, only get the weekends off. They are retired and sleep in until at least 8:00 AM each day. This difference in schedules means that both sides should be taken into consideration.

3. Since it's breakfast at their house, I wouldn't be eating until I was already up, dressed, and on the road for awhile. This would involve waking up around 7:30AM to shower and get ready and drive over on an empty stomach. This is not my idea of fun, if I'm being honest.

4. I earnestly believed that if I expressed myself directly, without making a demand, she would be willing to bend a bit. Perhaps push the time back, or do lunch instead.

So I sent her a text. I started out by saying that I would like to see dad for father's day. I then said a bit about reason #3 above. I asked what else is going on that day?

I was nervous about sending it. In fact, I had felt a prolonged state of tension since I received her message the night before. She has a way of really getting to me. 

Her response to my text? 

"Nothing"

I waited. I showed K. We both agreed that was closed off and cold.

She texted once more: "Your father will be disappointed. Not sure what I'm supposed to tell him."

I said nothing to that. Four days later, she never said anything more. I never said anything more. But I wanted to say:

Are you purposely trying to be inflexible?

Does how I feel matter at all?

Why would you guilt trip me?

You're doing nothing that day? Just waking up, eating breakfast at 9, and then going back to bed?

What's the plan for lunch? What's the plan for dinner? Can we do either of those instead? 

Can we move breakfast to 10:00AM? An extra hour makes a big difference on the weekend and when it's a long drive.

But I said none of that!! Because why should I? Why should I have to pull this out of her? Why can't she communicate with me? She maintains seemingly strong relationships with her good friend and my aunts. Why do I get the bare minimum emotionally? Why did she assume I was trying to fuck up the day? Why did she have to put guilt on me "you're going to disappoint dad" WTF? I literally said, I want to see him! I wasn't making a demand, I wasn't trying to be entitled. Am I lazy? Am I selfish? Why no compromise?

And the answer to much of this is that I've usually obeyed. They call the shots and I fall in line if I want to be in their lives. And I talk a big talk about boundaries. But actually putting them into play is HARD. And it HURTS. 

I don't know why shit went down like this. But I do think it's been a long time coming. There has been progress made on our relationships, but with every step forward there is also a step back. And sometimes the step back is more of a leap. I wish I knew why. I wish it was different. But I also wish I didn't have to be the only one to want different. Why do I have to be the bigger person with my elders?

Hours ago I texted my dad a happy father's day message with hearts. 

He didn't respond.

Last time I saw him, all he did was talk about how much he wishes he was back in their snowbird retirement community. He didn't even get off the couch when I arrived at their house.

I didn't even get him a card. I would've, if I knew for sure I was seeing him. But my mom's silence hurt me deeply. In the past I would have sent a follow up text trying to work with her. This time, I chose to see if she would take further action. She didn't.

Am I the asshole?

I have no idea.

My brain is warped these last few days. This test, show of strength, pushback, I don't even know what you'd call it. This THING with us has had me numb and in deep pain, detached but anxiously attached, fearing the worst, obsessively talking about it with K., feeling that I've done irreparable damage. It's heavy. It weighs a lot. I feel bad but somewhere deep deep down I feel the bittersweet validation that upholding strong boundaries brings. It's a "I told you so" kinda feeling. It had been gnawing at me for years, this thought that they don't care as much about me. But how can that be? They're my parents. Digging deeper, I can see that the validation is actually regarding their mental states: wounded and traumatized. 

But you know what mom and dad? So is mine. I have been through some FUCKED UP SHIT. I'm 36. I'm an adult. And yeah my past sucks. So does yours, I get it. But your life is pretty good right now! You have two houses! You get to leave the cold for the winter! You have adult children that are doing well! You have freedom! My life is pretty good right now too! Let's enjoy this time in our lives!

But you know what? For the most part, people have the choice to either deal with their lot in life, or give up. Stay bitter. Stay broken. Did they give up on healing? I don't know. I sure as fuck haven't. But I do know that I don't have to sign up for mistreatment. Whether it's intentional or not.

I don't want to assume it's intentional. I don't want to dogmatically state that I can be certain of anything regarding them. But I do know their patterns. And I do now know that I was misunderstood, not given the benefit of the doubt, not valued enough to find a compromise with. If that was a friend acting this way, I'd distance myself. It's not easy, natural, or comfortable. But I can distance myself from my parents to protect myself from them. Because I need protection from such negativity. 

I am not a bad person. I did not want to or intend to upset them in any way. If they feel upset, then they can choose to communicate that. But I've only received passive aggression so far. I would hope that any one who is in my life would see that I am trying pretty hard. I mess up a lot, to be fair. I make mistakes. But I am not convinced I made a mistake with all this. I am doing my best not to beat myself up. But it's not working.

Gonna end this here. Thanks for letting me vent, b.

xo

These days

It's Tuesday and I'm meeting a friend of mine for a drink after work, in about an hour. I'm in a shitty mood though. K. is driving me crazy. My family is driving me crazy. I'm driving myself crazy. I feel like shit. Life is stupid. Fuck EVERYTHING!

Well now that I got that out of the way, what up blogger! I had two beers with my brothers last night, we also had dinner. It was good being with them. The night before I had one beer alone. This will be my third night in a row with alcohol. I don't give a fuck though. I barely drink these days. I have my qualms I suppose but the truth is that it's perfectly ok for me to be doing this. I feel the affects on my mental health but I'm ignoring it because social obligations like this don't come around often when you're all adults and everyone is working full time. But with my brother in town, there's been a lot of social interaction. As an introvert, I am grinning and bearing it. But as a human being, I relish it because I know how rare and important it is.

Well my friend just called to finalize the time and location for our happy hour excursion. I better get ready.

Free write

Hump day. I have had a lot going on and had to think for a second which day it is. Work has been busy as usual, I've had some car repairs done, had a therapy sesh, my brother is in town, my friend passed away and we are probably going to his wake. All this since we came back from our trip. I'm mentally strained and it's hard to focus. 

We saw guardians of the galaxy 3 last night and both cried. I have my period but have been thinking obsessively about having kids and asking my man about baby names. I should be ashamed of this but it's primal and very loud. 

The person I spoke with at work about my raise emailed me last night asking if we could talk today. I responded this morning, but then never heard from him. 

What the fuck?

K. thinks it's about my raise: either approving it or a lesser offer. I, being terrified as always of messing up and getting fired, fear that I did something wrong. Why is it so easy to think the worst? I told K. I can't let myself have hope that it could be good. Goddamnit though! Why am I like this! Why so fucking negative!!

Have I been let down a lot? Yes, who hasn't! Have I gone through trauma, absolutely! But I'm working on it. I'm on meds. I'm in therapy. I journal. I try to eat vegetables and sleep well. Why am I still such a mental headcase?!

It's exhausting to feel so much and suffer with endless anxiety. I am so fucking anxious all the time. Is it the weed? Is it the coffee? Sugar? Should I just cut everything I like out to feel better? Could I even do that if I tried?

More questions than answers. More deep sighs.

My neck hurts. Work is over for the day, it's already 6PM. I have no idea what to do with myself. The tempting scroll & smoke sesh beckons me always. But I'm gonna shower. Clean up the kitchen a bit. It was unseasonably chilly all day and I just want to be warm and cozy. I gotta eat dinner.

Today

Breakfast - plain greek whole milk yogurt with walnuts & honey.

Lunch - "anytime" gluten free bar by Pamela's, a mandarin orange, a handful of popcorn

Dinner - ?

Nothing sounds good. I don't feel like cooking. I don't want to order out. The price of what food costs depresses me. The inflation is out of control and I get so angry at the audacious costs these days. 

I'm in a weird mood. Hope everyone has a good rest of the week.

-S

Post vacay ruminations

Home. It was a wonderful, beautiful, restorative trip. We saw so much, including the best sunset I've ever witnessed in my life. We observed birds like egrets and sand pipers. There were lizards and a large snake. There was a moment, when I was staring at the ocean, when I was literally moved to tears by nature's miraculousness. 

Our trip wasn't perfect of course, nothing in life is perfect. We had moments of tension, ride sharing drivers cancelled on us, we both got a sunburn, there was some disappointing food, there was a night we went to bed without having sex. There is a certain pressure to have a perfect vacation, especially these days with social media. He and I are not active on social media but no one is immune to the kinds of posts we're all bombarded with. Our life is kept in the real. Our trip was what we made of it. There was no sharing online and we kept our phone use to a minimum.

I love the gulf coast of Florida. It is truly special and very different down there! Our hotel was on the water, and seeing those views day in and day out had me so very happy. I adore the water. We went to the beach each day, except for the travel days. The sand was cool and white. The water was mild and clear. We are both petrified of sting rays so we didn't venture too far out into the ocean. We ate outside for each meal. I love eating outside. We slept cuddled up, and had some hot sex. I am very comfortable around him. When we are together, my days have purpose. My time is spent intentionally. 

When I am alone, it is a different story. I laze about and languish. I put off meals, or I eat random shit. I put off visiting the store, and have to talk myself into going outside. I smoke weed and scroll endlessly. I binge watch shows. Those are the bad days. Sometimes, I journal, water my plants, play with my cat, read, take walks, clean, organize, practice guitar. Those are the good days. It's always a roll of the dice.

As for today? Well, I'm back "to work". Although it was extremely difficult to focus I got some stuff done but I also did a lot of pacing. Took some extra time in bed past my alarm. Ended early to puff and blog.

Since me and K. are now separated by distance (in our individual apartments) I feel the loss of his presence and yearn to feel him there next to me for my morning coffee, and my evening tea. Like vacay. We were together 24/7 and it was great. I don't know what the future holds as far as joining households but it's far away and neither of us has expressed a rush to get there. He is still remodeling parts of his house and despite how this paragraph started, I love my personal space and independence. It's just that... I'm starting to love being with him more.

Life is weird.

Jittery

Hello blog! It's a little past two in the afternoon and I'm feeling decent. In recent posts I made some to do lists and it feels good to share that I've gotten a lot done. I'm ready for the beach! But is my body ready? Sadly, while we timed our vacation to fall under the full moon, it also happens to be a week or so before my period. Meaning I feel bloated! Ugh!

I haven't had the nerve to try on my new bikini since the day it got delivered. This is something I will be doing shortly. I have some cute cover ups and will be bringing two bikinis. I painted my toe nails. I am excited! I just wanna look and feel good. Me and K. fell off the gym wagon, we haven't gone the last two weeks, after such a consistent stretch. But to be fair, we were both extremely stressed and grappling with his health news. He scheduled his tests. We have been bickering. He is in therapy roughly every six weeks. Compared to my every two weeks. I told him I'd like him to go more frequently. Especially now. 

Lol, we are leaving in less than 24 hours and I still need to pack. As much as I love travel and planning, I tend to ALWAYS procrastinate packing to the last minute AND overpack. It's ridiculous. But I'm the type of person who never knows how I'm going to feel upon waking. This means that I require options! I really gotta get this going. It's also a work day and (you guessed it) I'm slacking. Just took one small little hit of weed. I mean, come on. How can anyone focus 100% the day before vacay?

Work has been going ok though. I like everyone I work with and sometimes I feel really good about everything. Last Friday I FINALLY spoke with who I needed to talk to about a higher raise. It wasn't granted but it's pending and there is no final decision at this point and THAT means that there is still hope. Fingers crossed! They did give me a raise, but it was smaller than last years. Hence my attempts..

Well I just got up and worked. Now I'm back to my blog. Woke up with a sore throat but hoping it's only allergies. Took some vitamin C just in case. Not ideal but what can ya do?

I'm all over the place. I should end this post. Enjoy your day!

To commenter K. - thanks for keeping me company on blogger! Out of curiosity, are you a long term reader or did you find this blog more recently? 

XOXO

S.

Uninspired

I'm in a shitty mood (again). I tried to go to sleep early, but lay there thinking about everything for hours. This is rare, I usually can fall asleep fast. But there's just so much going on. I'm leaving for vacation in one week - I should be happy! I should be excited! And somewhere deep down, I am. It's just that work is crazy, and life is crazy, and I am crazy. Hence, chaotic instability abounds.

My hands are freezing. We had one beautiful Spring day, and the rest have been so damn chilly. I spend too much time alone at home. Working remote enables my laziness. It's also quite isolating. I have to go in to the office the next two days and dread it. But that's only because it means I am leaving the comfort zone of my safe cocoon. Nobody is looking at me. Nobody is making noise. I am completely alone at home. I love it but I sense it's damaging my mental state.

What to do? Nothing. I'm coasting. A job is a job is a job. I'm not trying to leave. I'm sure as hell hoping to never have to sit in an office for five days a week again. That feels incomprehensible at this point, three years into the pandemic with its associated changes. I just need to do a better job in life. I need to be more motivated. I need to be more disciplined.

No one is watching me and the freedom that comes with that is sweet and tempting. But I am the only one responsible for keeping a roof over my head. I can't say "fuck it" and lay around all day.

It took me nearly two hours to proofread a seven page article. My head feels foggy. I'm tired and stressed. I feel so alone. K. tries to help. But my depression is bigger than us. I have therapy tonight, thankfully. It's very much needed.

Still gotta pick up his last birthday gift, wrap everything, and get a card. I got the baby shower gift for this weekend but need to also get a card for that. I need to do a laundry load of whites and my sheets. I have to clean the cat litter, vacuum, do the dishes, color my hair. I need to try on outfits and pack. Oh yeah, and I need to complete the financials on a work spreadsheet by the end of the work day. We are supposed to hit the gym tonight. My car needs inspection and I have to take out some cash for the cat sitter. 

God, I'm exhausted by life. There's always something to do. And I say I want children? I can barely take care of myself. I feel like such a failure sometimes. I know I'm technically not, but I guess I don't fully believe that I'm not. Constantly seeking external validation that I'm good enough. Constantly fighting insecure thoughts. Constantly making the wrong choice. Like last night for example. I went grocery shopping (finally) and made a great dinner (salad with falafel) and ran the dishwasher but did literally nothing else but smoke weed and read. I should've done more. And now today, it's 1:11PM and I need to do my job but I just don't fucking feel like it. I will though. I'm gonna end this blog and sit down at my desk and figure out these fucking financials. After that, I'll take a break. Maybe a nap. I also need to shower, considering it's been two days. I am disgusting.

Sorry this is such a downer. Thanks for reading and the kind comments. It means a lot to know there is someone out there listening to these unfiltered thoughts. 

xo

Sar

Nobody knows what's coming

It's half past noon on Sunday. Me and K. talked on the phone for two hours about nothing, just joking around. Getting in the shower in a minute and then we're meeting up. His appointment didn't go very well the other day, he has a health issue. More on that in a bit.

My head is pounding from the coffee. Just slammed a glass of water. I took one hit off my vape pen. No music is playing, all I hear are the loud but silent jumbled words in the endless stream of consciousness babbling like a brook in my mind. Hence, typing this blog.

My uncle passed away the other day. Heart attack. 65 years old. He had been estranged from our family for years, since my grandma died and he and my aunt got into it over the estate. It's not like there was any money left behind. But people are strange. I didn't feel super sad but my soul recognized another loss to our family. In the last six years I've lost two aunts and now three uncles. 

I went with K to his medical appointment. K. is facing an organ transplant in his near future. Much sooner than we thought.  I found out about my uncle on the way home.

We were both shook by his news and then to get that call, well let's just say that I ended up taking the next day off work and me and K. have both been going through the stages of grief. At first, I was super strong while he was in shock and denial. Then I crumbled and felt waves of sadness about his mortality and how this will affect our future. He was strong for me, reminding me that more tests are needed to determine exact timelines. My sadness grew into optimism, and his strength collapsed into anxiety and hopelessness. Then anxiety hit me hard. We are both reeling. We've been bickering too much. But today feels ok so far. Looking forward to seeing him. We were together Thursday night and Friday night but I had a "me" day yesterday. Didn't do much. But I slept good last night.

It figures, doesn't it? I broke up with my ex for a lot of reasons but the major one was that he didn't want children. K. does. He and I have talked many times about having a family. But if he is facing a major surgery pretty soon it forces us to make some hard decisions. Delay the family? Start it before we even marry? I don't know. Neither does he. We are going to figure it out. Or we won't, and life will be what it becomes.

I'm high. This vape pen is no joke, it's a new one. 

I better get ready. Have a great rest of the weekend!

-S.

It's 4/19 - got a minute?

I'm so fucking angry, all the time. Every day is a new adventure.. will I be ok? Or will I wake up in a shit mood, thinking shit thoughts, treating people and myself like shit? Today it's the latter. I didn't want to get out of bed (I never do). I didn't clean up at all last night so my kitchen is a mess. I didn't go grocery shopping last night so I have no coffee or yogurt. I did smoke tons of weed, and now I'm out. I did lay around staring at the internet, and now my eyes feel strained. But I rose, and got up, and wiped down the counter, and drove my ass to the coffee shop for a large coffee and a croissant, and came home to start work. 

I'm fed the fuck up with work to be honest. I want to be happy at my job, but I am feeling ignored by my manager. I had attempted to negotiate my raise again, like I successfully did last year, but so far have been ghosted. It has been almost three weeks. I followed up once. My motivation has tanked. I am doing the bare minimum at a slower pace. I have so much to do and I know I'm slipping up. Even now, it's 1:30PM and I should be at my work desk, but I'm here on the couch on blogger. Cat sleeping next to me. He looks so comfy and cute.

I wish I could be happy. I started a fight with K. We are not speaking. My neck hurts - I have chronic neck pain. My period started this morning. It was two days late. Every time it has been late, ever since I got knocked up in 2014, I always wonder if I'm preggers again. But nope. Never again. Period always comes. It's probably for the best. It's not like we're trying to get pregnant. But I do want kids someday. Except, that window is shutting fast. I'll be 37 this year.

It hurts, to say that out loud and internalize the very real repercussions. I likely won't have children of my own. It's weird, because as far back as I can remember, way back to when I was a little girl playing "house", I always wanted to be a mom. I was always the mom. I have a innate nurturing ability. I care about stuff.

Just not, apparently, my self. I have neglected chores and work and a shower. I have been in a major depressive episode for what feels like months. I'm taking care of my cat, barely. Just dialing it in for the rest.

Do you ever check your ex's socials? We broke up in late 2021. He came crawling back in Summer 2022. Haven't seen or spoken since. But yesterday I checked his twitter. Dude has become one of those thirsty "reply guys" and liking girl's selfies. It's gross! He looks so pathetic! Why do I care? Why did I check? Why does it bother me?

Well, probably because I didn't take the time to really get over him and the relationship, as I met K. very quickly after we split. Yes, me and K. took things VERY slow and really built our relationship from the ground up, and yes he knew I was fresh out of a relationship. But I still feel this slight tug within, that tells me I probably should've waited longer before going on dating apps. Can't take it back, and I was very transparent with K. about not wanting him to be a rebound. I don't think he was. But I do think that we probably met too soon. But that's how life goes sometimes. And last summer, when D. came back, telling me he loved me and wanted us to give it another shot, I was open with K. I was open with myself. I took space from K. and realized that he was the one I wanted to be with. I tried my best to be authentic and honest with both of them, and also myself. I made my choice.

I'm only human and it's exhausting to be. I want to be better. I want to be the best. But I am so fucking far from it, it's disgusting. I really unleashed on K. today. We have terrible fights sometimes. We both struggle with past demons. Sometimes it brings us closer, sometimes it pushes us apart. It's hard. My gut is hinting to me that I should suck it up and call him. But I literally told him not to call or text me today, I told him I hated him, I hung up on him. Why, you might ask? Because I was punishing him. I felt that he was acting distant last night. Truth is, we talked all day yesterday, he's having a rough go with work too, and he's stressing about his doctor's appointment tomorrow. He shut down a little last night and I was hurt, because I tried to be there for him. Encourage and support him through it all. And it felt like he didn't acknowledge or appreciate it. That triggers me.

I'm tired. I gotta work but all I want to do is get in bed and shut my eyes and wake up in a different life or in a different place or just wake happy and rested. *huge sigh*

Just had to vent. 

-S.

Listening to Rockdale

Friday! It is beautiful out, the first real warm sunny spring day, and I am loving it! I've been wearing a smile most of the day because of it. I thrive in the warmth. 

It's been a hell of a week though. (Aren't they all?). I've had issues with the HR department at work. In a word, they are incompetent. Which is a shame really, because the rest of my job is good. I've dealt with a lot, most recently a late W2 and receiving an incorrect 1099-SA due to their mistaken excess contributions from last year. In both instances, I was the one who caught it and initiated correction. HR made excuses and delayed things unnecessarily. It all boiled over on Wednesday, because I was still waiting for the amended tax form, and the deadline was approaching. I was panicking and emailed them asking for confirmation they'd pay any penalty fees due to their error and this enormous disruption. I also asked if they would advise that I request an extension. A couple calls and hours of my life later, it was resolved.

It was a huge weight lifted off me. I had been feeling so alone and frustrated. I've been in a prolonged depressive episode, and the lows "peak" during times of bullshit.

It's over though. I'm ok. The whole reason I even came here is to make a list:

Brunch with Aunt C tomorrow

New couch coming next week

Baby shower gift for K by end of month

Birthday gift for K by end of month

Buy a bigger suitcase (Macys?) asap

Dress for wedding by end of next month

Vacuum upstairs & down

Laundry (clothes & sheets)

Clean bathroom & bedroom

Color hair (before trip)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ugh, that's a lot. It's because I did nothing earlier in the week except obsess over the tax situation and try to stay afloat at my job. Each night I binge watched below deck. However, Wednesday night, we went to the gym, and last night, we took a walk. As I mentioned, me and my man are trying to incorporate movement into our routine. I'm not really trying to lose weight, I'm semi comfortable with my weight which varies between 131-133. I just really want to tone up. I am thin but soft. I look ok naked but I could look better. I'd be cool with a constant 130 and a firmer body. Might as well be hot if I can. 

Quite frankly, I'm trying to look and be the best I can. I want someone to want to marry me. I want to want to marry someone. I want a family. Will it all be with K.? Only time will tell. It has felt possible before but I'm experienced enough to realize that nothing lasts forever. 

It feels good to come back here and make my list. The evening is young, it's barely 6pm. I'm not 100% sure how much motivation I will have this weekend to take a crack at that list, but hopefully I do. If anything, I am lightyears ahead of where I was when the week started. 

I am going to be ok. I have to just be strong, stable, and focused. I have to continue to work hard and especially with my mental health. I am learning to feel myself becoming triggered. It's HELLISH WORK. But it's needed. I get triggered so easily. It's honestly heartbreaking. It is clear as day to me at this point in my life just how much emotional damage has been done. But I'm not giving up. I can heal. I'm healing. I've already healed so much.

Lots of love to this community. Hope the weather is beautiful by you!

xo Sar

13 years ago, my life changed forever

Well it's the fifth of April and the end of the day is here. I've been depressed this week. My family is dysfunctional. But I won the March Madness bracket at work! And today took a very long walk in the rain. 

Why depressed? My parents are completely checked out and refused to coordinate a visit home with my brother who lives abroad. He told me he wasn't coming this Spring so me and my man booked our trip. Days later, I got a call from my sister saying that our brother apparently had a long heart to heart talk with our parents and they ended up working it out for him to come home. And my sister will be there as well (driving from another state). Where will I be? 

On vacation with my guy. It's crazy, really. My brother confirmed he wasn't coming back to the States. We booked our trip. And then everything changed and is now overlapping. My first instinct was to reschedule our trip. No, that's not true. My first instinct was pure grief. I love my siblings and very rarely get to see them. I would normally be there, for the reunion. And I could make it happen, if we rescheduled flights and hotel reservations and time off requests less than 30 days out. This is all happening next month.

But I'm not going to fucking reschedule. I have always been the one to come around, and be there. I have always put others' feelings first. Especially when it comes to my family. My family is big and troubled. I was raised thinking that family was important and have acted accordingly. My parents have reversed course and now act like family is nothing. Their noncommittal wishywashyness has led to a real conundrum for me. Something that feels very personal. I'm not saying they did it purposely, but they certainly acted recklessly. This all could've been avoided. But selfish people can't accommodate.

**

Anyway, today is 13 years since the fire. Damn! How do I feel? Better than last year. My relationship with K. has stabilized my mental health in certain ways. I can be open with him and last year I was. I cried to him and was very open about what the anniversary raised within me. This year, I mentioned it briefly. He gave me that space to fill with venting or tears or whatever I needed... I took it graciously and remained calm. I am trying to accept things.

I accept that the fire happened. I accept that I will always be affected by it. I accept that I handled it to the best of my ability and I recognize that I achieved something. I learned to persevere.

I am ok. I am safe. I survived. 

It's over. It's in the past.

All I have to do is let it go.

**

I accept that my parents are two people living their senior years out with little concern for me. 

.

.

Do I?

Hell no! I think it's ridiculous and unfair and hurtful and and

But what can I do? I'm doing it. I'm lowering my expectations with them. I'm working on accepting what is. I'm keeping myself afloat. I'm living in the moment. I'm planning for the future.

**

13 years ago my world came crashing down around me. I was, briefly, homeless. The feeling of never being able to return home stayed with me for a very long time. I had nothing but myself and my cat and the clothes on my back. It forever changed me.

I am continuing to pick myself up, day after day. A lot has happened since then. A lot has changed. I have changed. But what I want to focus on is my resilience. I am not giving up, even though days like yesterday, where I'm texting with crisis services, show me that life is arduous, and I must keep my strength up. I must continue the inner work. Day in, day out. Affirmations. Routine. Healthy food. Enough sleep. Less substances. I believe in my ability to be the best Sar I can be. I understand I'm not there yet but there is joy in the journey.

So maybe this is all a long winded way of saying that I kick ass! And I must continue kicking ass. It's the only way. I can't be what my parents want and I can't be the perfect girlfriend or employee but I can be me, authentically, doing me, living mindfully and within my means, intentionally improving self-awareness, enjoying the days and resting at night, traveling, reading, listening to music, all of it. Whatever sounds good. With whomever is lucky enough to join me. Hopefully K.

We walked tonight. We fucked. We talked. He's sending me reels after he leaves. God I want real lasting love so much. More than anything in the entire world.

Thanks for commenting on the last post, you guys. Can I just say how truly awesome it is to be back and feeling that sense of community! Lots of love.

Xo,

Sar

Drunk off one beer

It's 9:30 on a Friday night and I'm doing some of my favorite things...laying low at home in comfy clothes, listening to music, smoking a bowl. Tonight I'm actually having a beer as well. Picked up a 4pack of Dream Patch fruited sours. Delish! 

I wouldn't consider drinking alcohol one of my favorite things these days as I rarely do it. I still keep track in my agenda notebook, as I have for years. For an entire year now I've drank on average twice a month. As opposed to most of the month. It feels great to have cut back on alcohol!! My weed intake is out of control though.

I got a raise this week. And a bonus. Me and bae bought plane tickets. We travel a lot. This time it's where I want to go. Lol, where else but Florida. Gulf side this time! I just love the beach. I think about the ocean a lot. Also, the moon is going to be full when we're there! I love things like that. When it all lines up. 

But NOTHING goes according to plan. Each day I struggle to get out of bed. I yearn to stay down, and under the covers. Once I'm up I talk myself into each next step. The pull back to bed is magnetic. The draw to the darkness is relentless. Most of the time, the day carries on predictably. Sometimes I plan to do something, and it doesn't happen. Or I don't consider it for one second, and then end up doing that very thing. It's like that for us all! That's life! But when you apply it long term, you have to weigh out the odds. On one hand you can plan, on the other Life interferes. How much control do we have? I want so much. I have ideas for life. But how many will play out? What may occur? Why worry now? Because I worry about fucking everything

*slow down. take a sip of beer*

*hit pipe*

Lately, my older sister has been confiding in me. I feel like her equal in a way. I carry her burdens. My older brother also recently confided in me. It appears we are all on the same page. Something is up with our mother.

I am so used to be alone. I thrive alone. Thrive, really, is that the word I would use to describe this day to day existence of mine? I am working. I am maintaining a relationship. I struggle. I question everything. I put things off and distance myself. I say I have friends to keep up appearances. The truth is that I really don't have a good friend. Sure, I have people. There are girls I can text if I want or need. Will they be there 100%? No. I do not have that in a friend. 

Some might say that no friend can ever give 100%. I'd agree. I used it as a figure of speech, to inform you that I long for it. I read about these beautiful female friendships in women's fiction. God, I get so envious. How amazing would it be to have a tightknit circle, or one or two close confidants. I used to have that. These days I have my therapist, myself, my boyfriend, and my other vice: the internet. I can talk to my siblings to a very certain extent. I am used to being an island by now. 

For the record, I'm doing amazing with my commitment to the gym. I have gone with my man every week without missing. It feels great! I know once a week is child's play, but to build a habit sometimes baby steps are needed. I have been eating kinda bad though. I've had an absolute WEAKNESS for sugar and chocolate. Since the holidays pretty much. Then Valentine's day. And now Easter candy is everywhere. 

I shouldn't even be drinking beer, as it's so high in calories, but since it's such a rare treat I'm going to enjoy the fuck out of it. I might have a second..

**

Just cracked open a second beer. It's all good. It's Friday night! My man is at his sports league. I love these Friday nights where I can just do me. We will see each other tomorrow. Things with us are pretty good. We're in love but we definitely fight a lot. But we talk it out. We are trying to figure out a way to coexist. I will say, he checks off all the boxes. More than that, we have fun. I have seen so many shows with him. We've been all over. And now this Florida trip. We're going to CO in the fall. He knows I want kids. He does too. We're just living for today. Neither of us is afraid to talk about the future though. 

The weird thing about having this blog is being able to read my old writing. Parts of my adult life are cataloged here. For better or worse. Some of the old posts are cringe as hell. Some of them blow my mind with their wisdom and strength. It's me. But I've changed.

I was going to write how I've changed, but I don't have the energy. This post is getting too long and I've been rambling the entire time. I just want you to know, sometimes I wish I could go back and do better. It makes me sad that I would hook up with guys and then blame them for "using me". Why didn't I realize how much control I had? Why did I act so naïve and vulnerable? If only I could go back and be stronger, better. 

But I can't. I can only be here, now. Alone at my kitchen table. Drinking my beer. Listening to music. Maybe I'll get cozy and watch something on TV. Maybe I'll scroll reddit til my eyes blur.

I miss old me. I miss someone I can't even remember. 

The person I am these days seems kind of dull. Drinking less - yay. Going to shows - whoop de doo. Working - who isn't? 

I need a real hobby. I should try to be more interesting. My mental health is not a personality. 

Once again ending a post on a somber note.

Does anyone else beat themselves up over everything? 

For me it's a constant, loud (silent) voice critiquing and correcting my every move. 

Love and peace. 

xo Sar

Writing makes you think, reading makes you feel less alone

It's Saturday. I told my bf that I need a day to myself. So far all I've done is read. I finished "Wish you were here" by Jodi Picoult in 3 days. My eyes hurt but it was so damn good. I love any book that takes place by the beach. It was a really interesting story. I bought this book in Boulder, CO in December but waited to read it for a few months while I finished what I was reading prior. Didn't expect to love it as much as I did so I'm chalking the whole thing up as a win.

My head hurts. I need to grocery shop, clean, and shower. But all I'm doing is sitting on my ass. We were away last weekend, so it's good to be home. My cat is napping, and even though I slept 11 hours, I'm tempted to join. I won't though. I'm going to hop in the shower very soon. I gotta make something of this day. Me and my K. are planning to spend the day together tomorrow. 

I called my mom today and she actually answered. We had a decent talk. I am guarded talking to her, and I feel that she is aware of the wall between us. It's been this way for a long time, perhaps it's always been this way. 

There have been times when I let the wall down, and opened up, and showed intense emotion. And maybe every so often she'd say the right thing. But most times her response lacks warmth and empathy. She will turn it back to her, and her life. I eventually learned to be careful in being too honest. Because it takes a lot of bravery for me to be vulnerable. When I find the courage to deeply open up about my fear or source of pain, and her response is brief or colder than I hoped,  it hurts all the more. 

When I choose to confide the true root of an issue that my heart yearns to be supported with, when I ask for help, when I choose to let someone further inside, when I dare to voice the unspeakable, when I detach myself from the front facing façade... I need the person to care. I hope the person will care. I hope the person realizes that I am giving them something I don't give many people. The chance to see me, the chance to know me, the chance to help me. I thought parents wanted to help their kids. I thought moms were supposed to want their daughters. But she tends to act like she doesn't care that much. In our family, there's so many kids, and only the two of them. We get pieces of each other. Sometimes it feels like I only get crumbs.

On that happy note, I'm gonna stop writing this entry.

Have a great day, all.

Mi madre

It's 7:15PM on my mom's birthday and I couldn't give a damn. I worked today, it was busy as fuck. I had to leave early to get my dental crown fitting. (Had a root canal a few weeks ago). It took forever! It sucked! I hate the dentist! It took nearly 45 minutes to get home and then I had to finish a few things for work. I called her around 5:30PM. Her and my dad moved to AZ, not sure if I mentioned that. She didn't answer my call but texted me that they were getting food. Ok then. I was hoping to get the call out of the way so I could continue on with my night. But no, they're eating dinner at 2:30PM. *rolls eyes*

I said "Enjoy!" and prepared some dinner for myself. Roasted cauliflower, BBQ tofu. With water to drink. I haven't felt right today, minor cold symptoms and tired of the rat race. I bust my ass at work to a point of overwhelming stress. I neglect duties around the house so that I can sit around after work and surf the web. With lots of weed obv. 

To be fair, I've cut back a lot. I used to smoke way more. I still smoke daily, or have a gummy, but the quantity is less. I've also pretty much stopped drinking.

Where was I even going with this? I'm in a low mood, due to feeling a sense of dread about getting on the phone with my mom. I have documented quite a big in this blog about the emotional damage they've done. I just want to relax but feel on the edge that she'll be calling back any moment. My head is pounding again.

More later.

***

Update - 11:00PM. She never called back. Ignored by my mom on her birthday. I guess I wasn't the only one who didn't want to talk but it doesn't feel great. 

Guess I'm going to go to bed. Getting closer to the weekend and Spring.

xo

I shall be released

It's been almost two years since my last post. I am in a different relationship, at a different job, in a different phase of life. I'd love to get you all caught up but I feel no real obligation to share the details. Life is swell, except for my mental health. The waves and lows of depressive episodes, relentless anxiousness, irrational fears, hypervigilance. The moments of pure and raw rage. Being triggered by seemingly everything. I'm tired. I've been actively engaged in biweekly therapy for a couple years (and sporadically over a lifetime). I'm willfully medicated and barely drinking alcohol. I think a lot. I want to think my way out of this. But maybe that's not the way?

Work keeps me busy, but I have the luxury of remote work four days per week. It's a blessing and a curse. I spend a lot of time alone. Working, yes. But also: pacing around, picking something up and setting it down in another room, talking to and laughing at and looking at my cat, reading random shit on the internet, overthinking, snacking.

Snacks galore anytime I like. I haven't put on weight but after a cold winter of being inside with all the food I feel squishy. I'm 131, a comfortable weight, comfortable enough to wear crop tops in the summer. However, this lifestyle is not healthy. Me and my man "K" are going to the gym tomorrow. We've spent quite a few nights getting ice cream. We've been dating for over a year and serious for at least six months by now. We love each other and I'm excited for this new activity.

When we met last year we both worked out at different gyms. Yep it's true, I had joined a gym on my own freewill in January 2022. It was much needed! But I only went a dozen times over the course of last year. Me and K. did a lot of walking and dancing at shows for exercise, and I eventually cancelled my membership ($50/month). We decided that we would be work out buddies quite awhile ago (lol). But you know how it gets.

Anyway, tomorrow starts a healthier routine. My weight is ok but I want to get in shape. Going with him will hopefully be a great incentive. It already feels easier to know I'm not going alone. It was hard holding myself accountable and I wasn't good about going regularly. I also hope this improves my mental health. I still suffer deeply under the weight of my demons. I still have nightmares. I have a lot of old feelings that want to be felt, which pop out at inopportune times. I have a lot to work on. I have a lot to release. 

I miss this part of me. Writing and documenting in this humble blog.

Hope all is well with you. Xo.