well hello

well hello

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

130 and lower tomorrow!

I am sitting here this morning, sipping hot tea and listening to Eric Clapton. I smoked a blunt and binged last night. It could have been worse, and would have been if I had more food here. Luckily I stopped after a lean cuisine (310 cal), broccoli with cheese (150 cal), and 2 organic waffles with syrup (215 cal). Yeah. Add all that to my food for the day (which luckily was not too hefty) but right, today I feel like a bloated fat cow.

Anywho. My cat is running around like a madman, chasing the toy I recently bought him (aww). I have two classes today and then work. My usual Wednesday. I always think it's going to d r a g by but before I know it, I will be home tonight, reading your blogs, sipping more tea.

I do love tea. Mint tea, especially.

I analyze myself, like we all seem to do, and have come to realize that my binging is a direct result of loneliness. I think, well no one is going to see me, and I like it that way, so might as well stuff my face. Um...warped? Very. I sometimes think, I don't want a boyfriend, or even a hook up, and I'm ok with it, because hey! I get to binge! Because no one will see me.
On the other hand, I very much want to be thin, whether people see me or not, because I see me. And I can't bear to look at myself with a fat stomach. Gross. So it is constant conflict inside the mind and body of Sar.

Fucking freak.

Hmm. A lot has been going on, and I wish I had the time to delve deeper. I just don't though. It is the 4th week of school and ALREADY I have missed 6 classes. Shhiiiittttt.
Well I'm the one paying for them, missing class only hurts me. My teachers could give a fuck less, I'm sure.

I've been craving cheese and bread hardcore. Cheesebreadcheesebreadcheesebread. Yuck. NASTY. not to mention: INCREDIBLY FATTENING. However...I am here to tell you, darling readers, that it is OK to give in to cravings every once in awhile. Just not everyday, lol. Be moderate. I know what I like. I know what is unhealthy. I just make attempts at balance. I restrict and then give in to a craving, and it seems to work. I am holding steady at 130 pounds.

: )

Woot!

I need to lose ten more. I need to lose ten more. I want to lose ten more. I will lose ten more. I need to lose ten more pounds to feel better about myself.
120 is where it's at.

Think thin.

4 comments:

Phantasmagorical Delusion said...

130 sounds lovely right now. 120 sounds even better. Gaaah, I was so close to 130 before all of this binging nonsense occurred. Yes. 135 this morning. Officially, I have screwed myself over and undone over a month's worth of hardcore restriction and exercise. Isn't life with an ED just LOVELY? :P

I'm liking the tone of this post, though. :) Thanks for posting, and providing the image of your kitty playing adorably. That's always nice. ;)

Stay beautiful, dear. <3

Daisy said...

mmm, pretty picture

114LBS said...

i love white tea

i feel the same way about wanting be thin even though no one will see us but us

皮東 said...
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