well hello

well hello

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

130 and lower tomorrow!

I am sitting here this morning, sipping hot tea and listening to Eric Clapton. I smoked a blunt and binged last night. It could have been worse, and would have been if I had more food here. Luckily I stopped after a lean cuisine (310 cal), broccoli with cheese (150 cal), and 2 organic waffles with syrup (215 cal). Yeah. Add all that to my food for the day (which luckily was not too hefty) but right, today I feel like a bloated fat cow.

Anywho. My cat is running around like a madman, chasing the toy I recently bought him (aww). I have two classes today and then work. My usual Wednesday. I always think it's going to d r a g by but before I know it, I will be home tonight, reading your blogs, sipping more tea.

I do love tea. Mint tea, especially.

I analyze myself, like we all seem to do, and have come to realize that my binging is a direct result of loneliness. I think, well no one is going to see me, and I like it that way, so might as well stuff my face. Um...warped? Very. I sometimes think, I don't want a boyfriend, or even a hook up, and I'm ok with it, because hey! I get to binge! Because no one will see me.
On the other hand, I very much want to be thin, whether people see me or not, because I see me. And I can't bear to look at myself with a fat stomach. Gross. So it is constant conflict inside the mind and body of Sar.

Fucking freak.

Hmm. A lot has been going on, and I wish I had the time to delve deeper. I just don't though. It is the 4th week of school and ALREADY I have missed 6 classes. Shhiiiittttt.
Well I'm the one paying for them, missing class only hurts me. My teachers could give a fuck less, I'm sure.

I've been craving cheese and bread hardcore. Cheesebreadcheesebreadcheesebread. Yuck. NASTY. not to mention: INCREDIBLY FATTENING. However...I am here to tell you, darling readers, that it is OK to give in to cravings every once in awhile. Just not everyday, lol. Be moderate. I know what I like. I know what is unhealthy. I just make attempts at balance. I restrict and then give in to a craving, and it seems to work. I am holding steady at 130 pounds.

: )


I need to lose ten more. I need to lose ten more. I want to lose ten more. I will lose ten more. I need to lose ten more pounds to feel better about myself.
120 is where it's at.

Think thin.


Phantasmagorical Delusion said...

130 sounds lovely right now. 120 sounds even better. Gaaah, I was so close to 130 before all of this binging nonsense occurred. Yes. 135 this morning. Officially, I have screwed myself over and undone over a month's worth of hardcore restriction and exercise. Isn't life with an ED just LOVELY? :P

I'm liking the tone of this post, though. :) Thanks for posting, and providing the image of your kitty playing adorably. That's always nice. ;)

Stay beautiful, dear. <3

Daisy said...

mmm, pretty picture

Anonymous said...

i love white tea

i feel the same way about wanting be thin even though no one will see us but us

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