Smoking, yes. But of course. I am feeling not-so-skinny today. I started to type "I wish" but there is none of that to be said. I don't wish anything. Wishing is nothing. Wishing does nothing. I need to restrict and work out more, plain and simple. Hang on, I need to refill my water bottle (again). Back. I love cold water, and just read that drinking ice-cold water burns more calories than room temperature water. Makes sense, I guess. Too bad my freezer is too small and incapable of making ice cubes. I get really cold tap water!
I really do like my apartment. I live alone, just me and my cat. So I'm not alone I guess, plus I have neighbors rightnextdoor. The walls are thin. I have this place decorated kind of cute, I mean, you gotta work with what ya have. My place is tiny, with high ceilings luckily, and two tapestries on the walls, and the tiniest kitchen you'll ever see. Seriously I have no counter space. The bathroom is minuscule. There is only one window here...my view? A rooftop and some sky. I love the sky.
Ok, I'm baked. But here's my point. As little and old and yuck this place is, I still like it. Love, no. I am just grateful to have it. A place of my own. Sure, it's paid for by school loans, but I'm doing this. I am proud of myself. I don't ever take the time to admit that to myself. I mostly loathe myself. But I am here to say "Go Sar!". Maybe I'm going to be okay.
And yet, I am obsessed with my body and my looks and food. Oh how I think of these things...all the time.
I'll be trying to sit in class and pay attention and then glance down, it's "body-check" madness for a few seconds, where I suck in and pull down my shirt (discreetly, hopefully), and shift in my chair. I look around at others; girls, guys, I check out everyone to see who is skinnier than me and who I am skinnier than.
Even my teachers are thin. It drives me a little crazy and I lose my focus, which is completely short term anyways, but really this whole equation just equals disaster. For me, for my grades, for my self-esteem. It sucks to be always worrying about how fat you look, sitting in class, of all places. Or at work. Or walking. Or when someone is talking to you. Sometimes a simple, "hello" from a classmate embarrasses me because I feel like they are observing my fatness. It's maddening.
I have been faithfully entering my intake into my Lose it! app on I-pod.
It is helpful, it truly is, to see how easy it is for calories to add the fuck up and reach 1500 before you know it. I hate calorie counting but I have to.
I was forced to go out to dinner, to Applebees, when I went home this weekend. Did you guys know that there is NO nutritional information located ANYWHERE about ANY of Applebees food? It is just a freakin' fact about them. Dammit. I was DYING to know how much calories were in what I got.
A veggie burger (yes, they have them, look at the bottom of the burger part of the menu and it say's "all burgers except blah blah can be substituted with a vegetarian burger") on a roll with "grilled" peppers, onions, mushrooms and a side salad INSTEAD of french fries (go me!). Ok I know this is terribleTERRIBLE! but I am just now realizing that I did not even get fresh lettuce and tomato...why wouldn't I ask for that?? I love fresh veggies on veggie burgers, and those negative calories help with the overall meal!! Silly, stupid, Sar. Damn!
See the mood shift? ^ All of a sudden I am filled with this crazy nervous tension and it's trying to shoot out my palms and fingers and forehead. Weird. But bottomline? Fuck applebees. They need to display nutritional information, especially because other places are required to do so! Why are they escaping this?? I am freakin' scared of how many calories I digested there. Oh and the side salad? Delish but it came with cheese AND croutons (dressing on side)...I picked off most of the cheese and left most of the croutons; my father stared at me like I had two heads.
We kept talking about food and disagreeing and so much of our damn time is spent eating or talking about food and it's just no wonder I'm this obsessive. *sighs*
I'm a little bummed now.
I hope you all are doing well, and as always, thanks for commenting.
You're beautiful, you really are.
I need to thinspire myself..
Can I just be thinner?