well hello

well hello

Saturday, February 6, 2010


I think this is going to be short. I don't exactly know where to start.

Last night was weird. Today has been tumultuous...
Again, my expectations with T. were far too high, and so they of course came crashing down hard. Now my insides hurt. I have been walking through a haze, slightly blinded, a little deaf. I have not showered since Wednesday night.
I feel like a disgusting fool.

T. is such a flirt. Last night was ridiculous. We walked to the bar together but did NOT stay together in there. He has this weird clique of friends, these two chicks and one dude. I don't know if I've mentioned them before but they really seem to embrace a group mentality. It's odd and annoying. So T. basically kept hugging and talking to them as I pounded my drinks down and talked to whoever, flirted with some randoms, and felt like leaving every other minute.

I got smashed, and it was this other girl's birthday, our friend I suppose, and T. kept talking to her, exclaiming her name, "M! It's your birthday!" oh why do the little things like that hurt like a paper cut?

So the three of us stood outside after the bar closed, smoking a cigarette. They were talking, I was leaning against the wall wishing I was invisible, wishing I could fall into the ground or evaporate.

She offered him a ride home.

He, of course! said sure!!!!
He was so happy! A ride! Yay!

Fuck you dude you could have slept at my place. If you had even asked, or looked at me, or just smiled, I would have invited you, she just got to it first, damn her on her stupid birthday, i hate the world right now, fuck fuck fuck.

We started walking, me to my place, them to her car, same general direction until: an intersection. Left or Straight, T? He stopped. I stopped. She walked. I glared at him. He, obliviously, said "what?" Oh you know, I can't stand you, you're such a flirt.
I don't even know what I was talking about, but one thing stands out, clear as crystal. I said, "I like you and you don't like me, it's as simple as that." I was so blunt. He had really nothing to say to that, just oh that's not true.

I don't even know what I expect. My point is, last night is a blur. I have been an emotional wreck all day.

So last night after we parted ways, I came home and cried. I got a text from him, "what did I do?". I tried to call him, because my text messaging didn't seem to be working. I called four times, and got no response. I started crying and assumed he was hooking up with her.
I took a knife and slashed my left arm. I thought that I could die and it would be ok. I felt anguish over T. I felt nothing for myself.

I called B. (ex boyfriend who recently became a "friend"). I apologized because it was late. He made me a laugh, a little. He is able to calm me down. If he tries. Which he does, now. Not always when we dated.

I passed out. Dragged myself out of my bed. Went to my first class. I was standing in the hallway before class, and told myself to leave. I felt too sick and like giving up and just going home. I didn't. I stayed. And I'm glad I did. My teacher is a good one.

I skipped my second class (again) (shit).

I went to the dining center. First thing I ate today was 1/2 veggie panini, which came with a handful of potato chips and a pickle. A water. I ate most, just left behind some chips. It gets worse. I went back and got a slice of pizza, a salad, and a banana. The pizza I just craved, so I ate it but it was gross. I threw out the crust. I took the salad and banana home and ate those later, for dinner.

Then I got bored and went to the store. Bought a dvd and some snack foods. Came home and ate cheese and crackers. Lots. Then a 100 calorie Twix bar.

So you can imagine that my calorie count for the day is incredibly high. Well now I'm going to tell you (which you may have already guessed) but today was a stress binge. There was a murder in my little town. I am so freaked out. I've met and talked to the killer. He was a customer at my work. I feel sick when I think of this fact. I met a killer. He had the ability to kill which means that he could have stabbed me at any time on the job and not thought a word of it. Oh you guys....this came as a weird, eye-opening shock.
Plus T. and I got into a weird little texting fight. He loves accusing me of crazy shit, like giving out my number "three" times in the past few weeks. Like he cares. Like he notices.

All in all, strange day. And a binge day, making it worse. In my defense, I am starting my period. Shit always hits the fan around this time.
My apartment is a mess.
My friend is coming to visit tomorrow, we should have fun! Haven't seen her in awhile. Who knows what the night will bring...

I thought this was going to be short. There is just so much going on in my head. I need to try and get it out.
B. said it right, he said that when I drink I go to a bad/dark place in my head. It's true. I need to get some help.

Think thin.


Sairs said...

I'm sorry you had such a horrible night and day. I have had an awful day today too. I feel like it's always one step forward, three steps back and I hate that. It's not fair either feeling like your on the outside with the person that you are dating. That totally sucks. I would have been so angry too. It's good though that you have your ex that can chat to you and make you feel better. And also a murder in your town, omg scary, especially since you've spoken to the guy. Anyways, I just wanted to say I hope you're feeling a little better. Take care okay.

Phantasmagorical Delusion said...

We must have been reading one another's blogs at the same time...I just waited longer to comment. :P

A murder. Jesus, that's scary. That alone would drive me to a stress binge, especially considering you knew the person. Or...know the person, rather, but since their identity is apparently out in the open, I'm sure they're (hopefully) in custody now?

Thanks for the support on my post. It did come out right. I know we all have the choice to eat healthily...somewhere...it just doesn't feel like it often. I know I don't HAVE to live by these extremes... I just have to remind myself sometimes. Even now, I'm sitting here with a binge belly full of not-so-unhealthy things (but full, nonetheless) and thinking of how I want nothing more than to go into that kitchen and make some pancakes. Why? God, I wish I knew.

I hope you're well today. Lotsa love to you, beautiful. <3