I don't get it.
How can my life and feelings and attitude change so much?
T. and I talked at the bar last night, and on the phone for an hour after, and today when we met for coffee.
No seriously. I don't know why. You guys know where I was last time I wrote; I had deleted him from my life.
But when I was at work last night, he texted me. We exchanged back and forth for a few hours, then I mentioned the bar I was going to with my neighbor. Then he showed up there.
At first I ignored him and talked to others. He eventually said, "You can't just pretend I'm not here." What? You noticed?? So then we started talking and smiling and joking and quasi-bickering, while others looked on and attempted to interrupt. T. and I ignored them though. We continued until I left with my friend so she could get food (nothing for me, thanks). My phone beeps a few minutes later, it was T, texting:
"I wanted to kiss you."
I said, "Same, come smoke with us."
So he came over and it was a group of us at my neighbors place. Including Tom, T, and me. Ha. First time for that awkward situation.
Needless to say, the group dispersed and went their separate ways. I went upstairs and called T. That was when we talked and it was helpful I think, except we were both drunk. He a lot more wasted than I.
Today we got coffee. He is at work now. He invited me to come over after (midnight). I am going to go there.
Should I do this?? Should I risk it??
My feelings are so jagged and rocky and mixed and messed up. I just want to be happy. I don't want to be played with. Oh you guys, my heart. It tends to show up on my sleeve and my face when I look at T. He's fucking gorgeous. It's not fair.
I can't. I just need to finish this post, find a conclusion. In all honesty my stomach is in nervous knots and I am apprehensive and worried about T. flirting with female coworkers. I am just always worrying about everything. What I will do is the dishes. I will also put away some clothes. I will also clean the cat litter. Ok. A plan. A purpose.
I feel sick.
What is love? Will I ever know?
I love feeling my bones.