Ugh, I'm in a weird mood. I ran out of weed last night, and today has been dragging. I rearranged shit so I could work tonight, instead of this afternoon like I usually do. I did this because (1) I was really tired this morning and thought a nap would help and (2) I am almost positive that T. closes tonight, enabling us to work together : )
I am so manipulative. For all I know he switched out and I'm going to feel like an ass. The lies just roll of my tongue, it's scary, "I have a test friday (true) so I'm meeting with a study group" (way false)...Like, I said, I just hope all this plotting and planning doesn't backfire on my ass.
So anyway, it's 5:40 and I don't have to be there until seven. I want to smoke soo bad. Isn't that silly? I am very addicted to marijuana. I even texted my neighbor, desperately, in hopes that she'd smoke me up. I can hear that she has company though, so that may not happen.
It's alright. I can do this. Sigh. Who am I kidding? I just took a resin hit. So this day is no longer technically smoke-free. It's a start though.
Why oh why am I rearranging my life to see T? He certainly isn't doing it for me. He left last weekend, he's leaving this weekend. I work all weekend, but still. Doesn't he want to see me? We met for coffee and talked last night. I hate myself. At first I wasn't feeling it at all, than I was slowly sucked in by his words and the quasi-truth I was hearing with my ears.
He is uncertain about me.
I am uncertain about him.
I am fat today. So fat. I hate it. I didn't have breakfast, went to one class, skipped the next, than went and got a slice of cheese pizza (??!!??) from the dining hall, and ate it with bleu cheese. See what not smoking does to me!? I lose it!
Then I came home and had some pretzels dipped in salsa, string cheese, and dried cherries. Holyfuckingshit. All would be just fine if I didn't binge yesterday and earrrllllyyyy this morning (like 12:30-1 am). I had licorice and a granola bar and frozen veggies with cheese : ( Also, yesterday afternoon I had a donut)
Isn't that all so disgusting? What the hell is wrong with me? I know...I am miserable and confused and stressed and worried about school and constantly scared that T. is liking other chicks. I am distressed and binge when I want to and have the money and time. I hate myself right now, for not exercising at all today or yesterday.
The best I can do is smoke cigarettes in a pathetic attempt to boost my metabolism. Fuck.
What to do? I wanna blaze. I want to be all pretty for work though, so I guess it's time to face the mirror. Ugh. Hate that.
Ever feel so confused that you put off making any kind of decision, and before you know it you're sitting in a classroom staring down at a blank test with no clue of any semblance of an answer? That's gonna be me, friday, if I don't get my ASS in GEAR.
Stop making a fool of yourself, Sar. Lose weight you fat fucking pig. You really need to. Don't you just hate how tight all your clothes are? This morning nothing looked good on you because you're FAT FAT FAT.
I gotta end this. I need to do something. I am freaking out. I am blasting Amy Winehouse. I miss you and your comments. I miss feeling needed. I miss T. Am I going to see him tonight? Will it be ok? Ahhh!!!!
Think thin. Please offer any advice on ignoring sugar or carb cravings, I'm dying here!