I'm fucking losing it. I think I just had a nervous breakdown. This happens a lot. My body tenses up, I throw something across the room, I slam my hand down on a surface, as hard as possible. I cry. I scream, "God dammit all". I yell at my cat.
I look in the mirror, which fuels my hatred.
I removed T. from my facebook friends. I officially fucking hate that prick. I am miserable. I have been played with. Mentally, I am a mess. Physically, I am a slob. I have school and work today. My apartment is a mess. My banking system is ridiculously inconveniencing. My cat drives me INSANE. My lamp is broken. My heart is mangled. Everything about my life is wrong. Everything about me is flawed.
My neighbors probably think I am nuts. I am nuts. I am losing it.
Here is an interesting correlation: The week I met T. is the week I stopped taking my meds (in October!). It's been downhill from there.
Oh how I hate life. Oh how I hate myself. I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate ME AND MY STUPID LIFE.
Well I did a load of laundry last night. Yay for me. At least my lazy fucking ass did something good.
I am sure you are sick of reading about T. and maybe even thinking to yourself, "dumb sar, doesn't she see that he hates her?" ...well too bad. I need to talk about it, if only briefly.
HE FUCKED WITH MY HEAD SO FUCKING MUCH. OMG. OMG. OMG.
Like asking me to hang out then changing his mind, he's too busy, it's late, he's not sure.
Which of his friends should I fuck? I seriously hate him for making me feel this way and I want to HURT him. I want to HURT myself.
Oh god. Help me.
I am a horrible person. I lie, I steal, I cheat. I don't do simple homework assignments because I'd rather get high. I am going to hell. I think terrible thoughts. I am going to hell. God probably hates me.
Omg. Help me. helpmehelphelpme.
As I sit here typing, I am smoking more pot. I am feeling ugly inside and out.
At least I didn't binge last night.
At least ...what? How can I think happy thoughts when I can't find any? This week has been traumatizing. Last week was equally crazy. I thought 2010 was going to be a good year. Everything is wack.
Everything is unstable, including me.
I don't know what I'm about to do. I am out of control. When I drink I drink so much I black out. When I smoke I smoke all day to forget. To say, fuck it. Fuck the world.
I watched a sad movie about bulimia, "Sharing the Secret". I actually recommend it as thinspo. The main girl was beautifully thin. It's on youtube, in parts...check it out.
Ok today: class.class. lunch with K. (ugh, I might cancel). nap. (hopefully). work. sleep.
My heart hurts. It does. You can't make that up. It either hurts or feels normal. Just like with T, he either likes me or hates me, and he definitely doesn't like me. Maybe he likes men. I conclude that he hates me.
I'm sorry if you feel a little worse after reading these depressing words. I am dying here. I just want to reach out and touch you. I want my ears to stop ringing. I want to get a good night's sleep, without waking up a million times or hearing voices or feeling cold and lonely. I want to be loved. I want my dad to call me once in awhile. I want to have time to call my sister and brothers. Where did my time go? Where did I go? Sar? Helllooooo?????
Think thin. Always.
It is much better to feel satisfyingly skinny.
Thin is in forever.