well hello

well hello

Friday, February 12, 2010

Still here.

I'm fucking losing it. I think I just had a nervous breakdown. This happens a lot. My body tenses up, I throw something across the room, I slam my hand down on a surface, as hard as possible. I cry. I scream, "God dammit all". I yell at my cat.
I look in the mirror, which fuels my hatred.

I removed T. from my facebook friends. I officially fucking hate that prick. I am miserable. I have been played with. Mentally, I am a mess. Physically, I am a slob. I have school and work today. My apartment is a mess. My banking system is ridiculously inconveniencing. My cat drives me INSANE. My lamp is broken. My heart is mangled. Everything about my life is wrong. Everything about me is flawed.

My neighbors probably think I am nuts. I am nuts. I am losing it.

Here is an interesting correlation: The week I met T. is the week I stopped taking my meds (in October!). It's been downhill from there.

Oh how I hate life. Oh how I hate myself. I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate ME AND MY STUPID LIFE.

Well I did a load of laundry last night. Yay for me. At least my lazy fucking ass did something good.

I am sure you are sick of reading about T. and maybe even thinking to yourself, "dumb sar, doesn't she see that he hates her?" ...well too bad. I need to talk about it, if only briefly.

Like asking me to hang out then changing his mind, he's too busy, it's late, he's not sure.

Which of his friends should I fuck? I seriously hate him for making me feel this way and I want to HURT him. I want to HURT myself.

Oh god. Help me.

I am a horrible person. I lie, I steal, I cheat. I don't do simple homework assignments because I'd rather get high. I am going to hell. I think terrible thoughts. I am going to hell. God probably hates me.
Omg. Help me. helpmehelphelpme.

As I sit here typing, I am smoking more pot. I am feeling ugly inside and out.
At least I didn't binge last night.
At least ...what? How can I think happy thoughts when I can't find any? This week has been traumatizing. Last week was equally crazy. I thought 2010 was going to be a good year. Everything is wack.
Everything is unstable, including me.
I don't know what I'm about to do. I am out of control. When I drink I drink so much I black out. When I smoke I smoke all day to forget. To say, fuck it. Fuck the world.

I watched a sad movie about bulimia, "Sharing the Secret". I actually recommend it as thinspo. The main girl was beautifully thin. It's on youtube, in parts...check it out.

Ok today: class.class. lunch with K. (ugh, I might cancel). nap. (hopefully). work. sleep.

My heart hurts. It does. You can't make that up. It either hurts or feels normal. Just like with T, he either likes me or hates me, and he definitely doesn't like me. Maybe he likes men. I conclude that he hates me.

I'm sorry if you feel a little worse after reading these depressing words. I am dying here. I just want to reach out and touch you. I want my ears to stop ringing. I want to get a good night's sleep, without waking up a million times or hearing voices or feeling cold and lonely. I want to be loved. I want my dad to call me once in awhile. I want to have time to call my sister and brothers. Where did my time go? Where did I go? Sar? Helllooooo?????

Think thin. Always.
It is much better to feel satisfyingly skinny.
Thin is in forever.


Anonymous said...

Sar, please believe me when I say that you are not alone and you most definitely are not going to hell. Anger is a part of each of us. As you described everything that's going on in your head and in your life, it took me back to those days. That used to be me... parts still are. I can't say that everything's 'better' now, because it isn't. I still resent myself, I still have conflicting emotions towards people I've loved and cared for. I still drink until I can't drink anymore. I still... you get the picture. When Z broke my heart, I was enraged. I crashed and I burned. I went downhill so fast that the world shook and buried me beneath the surface for awhile. I slept with Z's brother to get revenge. I still don't forgive myself for that. I know how crazy shit can get, "when it rains, it pours", but you are so much stronger than that prick T, and you can get the sweetest revenge by proving you can and will rise above him. He's nothing. You are amazing. Never forget that.

I hope this helps...
Stay lovely.

Blue Butterfly said...

I'm feeling rather shitty at the moment, so you're not alone. I just had one of those "I'm going to starve myself into thinness to show you!" moments.

I wish I could help you or even help myself. Hopefully this misery cloud moves away soon!

I'm going to try to sleep it out. Give it a try. At least that way you won't be able to fuel your self-hatred with more booze or pot.


Flushed said...

If anybody understands guy-driven craziness, I think it would be us, other girls! Nonetheless. I'm sorry to hear T has caused so much ... ^#&*#@*!!

He's a scumbag for it! You deserve better! Do something that makes you happy and feel good.

And when you're done with that, do something else that makes you happy and feel good.

Feel better Sar :)

Rebecca said...

i hate assholes that mess with my mind! dont let him get to u! hes not worth ur time if hes a jerk. there are millions of guys out there, dont settle for less than the best. i spent a whole (FAT) year on a worthless asshole who fucked me up and the week after i dumped him i started losing weight again. and life was good again. :) guys that mess with you can mess up ur life. keep looking and dont lose hope! its a big world and there are still great guys out there! stay strong! xoxoxoxoxox