well hello

well hello

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I am not okay.

Things are far from wonderful. I am sick now. Little food and sleep will eventually do that. I have a headache from crying endless tears.

T. is driving me crazy (surprise, surprise).

I don't even know what to say right now. Everything is a mess. School might just kill me. I have a paper due on Friday that I have not started. All my teachers just expect me to be fine, well I am not. I am alive, sure. But not fine.

Today I ate: cottage cheese with mixed berries. vegetable soup. 2 slices of wheat bread (80 cal each) dipped in the soup. an apple. an orange.
Total cals? About 750?? That's a guess..

That's it, and I feel huge. I hate food. I did some walking today, some yoga yesterday. Ha, yesterday was 4/20 and I smoked lots.

Then I started feeling sick, and here I am. Feeling sick, feeling tired. Feeling unloved. Feeling unlucky.

I can only express myself in certain ways. The rage inside is too much, at times, and I do believe it scares people.

Ughhh I just want to die, or melt away, or disappear, or SOMETHING.
PLEASE MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!

All I am doing is complaining, you probably hate me.

I hate me.

I hate everything right now. The only thing that sounds even remotely good is smoking some weed and going to fucking bed. I am hopeless. My life is hopeless.

Where did my enthusiasm go? Where is my ambition and will to live?

Gone. It's all fucking gone, because I got myself too hooked on T. again and he is aware and pushing me the fuck away. This happens a lot. I hate me, did I already say that?

I look so ugly right now: puffy, red eyes from crying and napping with my contacts in. fat face. bloated but hungry belly.

Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.

Please.

Maybe Ana will.


because, as always, I am thinkin' thin. So should you!

I am really disappointed in myself for eating today.

4 comments:

SinkorSwim said...

Sweetie, you are beautiful. You are strong and wonderful. Everything will be okay in the long run, I promise. Just keep your head up and keep hope alive in your heart.

Anonymous said...

This is called a rant, not useless complaining. You obviously need to vent it out all here and I am glad you did.

Stress.
I know what it's like...

Baby steps, baby steps. And of course you feel fat.

But your strong enough to get through it all.

Holly said...

I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time right now! :( I will be praying that you find the courage, strength and hope to face each new day.

Stick Thin said...

You are an amazing person, and I don't hate you! I love you. Somedays we just have to take things one day at a time.

Nothing is permanent. Things will change. Its easier said than done ot just 'keep your chin up', but even the slightest hope can help.

I don't want you to disappear. :( Sleep. Drink. Water. And don't focus on yesterday, change today.