well hello

well hello

Monday, July 6, 2009

The blues.

Today has been an interesting day. I biked about 1.25 miles this morning, to the cable place to pay a bill and back, then walked to a mini gas station. I bought a water bottle, comet for cleaning my nasty bathroom, and a cereal & milk bar, cinnamon toast crunch flavored. Went back, made my bed, ate the cereal bar, read a little. Cable dude comes, he's tall and gorgeous. I, in my pajamas and sweaty from the ride, sprawl on my bed and make small talk in a low voice. He was gone, much too quickly, and I tried to go back to sleep. Toss and turn; my bones hurt; I am cold but warm, tired but restless. A nightmare ended with me lighting a bowl or cigarette, and having the lighter explode in my face, POP! I can hear it still, it shook me away, actually it startled me awake, jump starting my heart and making me look around with fear, with spotted visions of the fading dream vanishing in my eyes.

K. came over. We smoked & talked. She quit smoking cigs, I asked her for one, that's how I found out. She left. I showered. I ate an apple. I stopped to feed a friend's cat; I was supposed to go there Saturday. I felt terrible, thank God she sent that text, wow, I am one forgetful friend.

I went grocery shopping. Before I did, unbelievably enough, I stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a coffee coolata, size small, made with skim milk. And the damn worker HAD to say, "what else can I get for you" like she KNEW I was wavering on the thought of a boston creme donut, my kryptonite. Fuck fuck fuck. Ordered one, it was a surprise, I really was going to just get the drink. I failed though. It was tasty, but as I drove away I reminded myself of yesterday's FAILURE OF A DAY/ HORRIBLE FAST FOOD binge. I was beating myself up, and driving to Tops. I went inside, grabbed a basket, got so much stuff I ended up switching the basket for a cart. I was picking out a bunch of healthy shit. I was doing good. At the same time I was sinning like crazy. I filled a plastic bag with bulk candy and ate it all as I walked through the aisles. Stealing and binging candy? In front of the shoppers, no less? I have hit a new low. I ended up throwing away the remaining three pieces. I gave a little sigh of disgust as I tossed the bag into the trash. Ugh/\

So I left, came home, got a mini workout bringing all the bags up two flights of stairs, seeing as how I made two trips. I ate a microwavable lean gourmet macaroni and cheese dinner immediately. I was craving carbs in the worst way. and cheese. It was good, but unsatisfying. I decided to warm up my other fatty snack food that I splurged on today. Pepperjack cheese filled soft pretzel bites. Dipped in salsa. Hot damn. They sounded good and looked good on the box, but made my already queazy stomach just rebel. I cooked four, (2 servings), and left half of one on the plate before jumping up, dropping to the floor in front of the toilet, and sitting, so dizzy.

I heaved a little and some small pieces came out. I was surprisingly pleased that I got some out. I have not ate since. I don't want to. If I decide to eat any more, it will be the EXPENSIVE pitted cherries I purchased. They are actually nutritious, and way better for me than the SHIT I ate all day today. FUck my life.

Think THIN!!!!!!!!!

A moment on your lips...is a LIFETIME on your HIPS!!!

Just Starve...Purging CANNOT be counted on.


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