well hello

well hello

Monday, July 27, 2009

My life is a joke.

Wow how many things can go wrong in one morning? It is not even noon yet.. I slept like shit, tossing and turning from horrible nightmares that seemed too real and too close for comfort. My period is here and heavy as fuck. I have one tampon left, so now I have to leave my abode and venture out in to the real world/ go to the store, which I need to do anyways, because I am out of b.c. pills. I am taking one of those as soon as possible, I want to NOT be bleeding anymore.. So then I look in the mirror and HELLO huge pimple right SMACK DAB in the center of my forehead. It had a white head, so of course I just tried popping it. Lol. Now my head is red and more noticeable than ever. My hair looks like shit, it is seriously time for a color change. Maybe today, if I ever get out the door. I am delaying once again by smoking a morning bowl. I found out from my mom that my contact lens prescription ran out, she "forgot to tell me" and that means tomorrow I have to driiive home and sit through the doctor hell complete with poking and prodding MY EYES just so I can get some damn contacts, wasting more money.

Oh, I feel like there is so much more. I am so down right now. Well slowly lifting up now finally thanks to an illegal drug. I don't get it. I don't understand life or this world or myself. I need to find my spirituality again, I completely lost it.

I am so fat. I have totally slipped. I have been buying food, binging and purging like crazy, then last night I told myself I wouldn't throw up, so all the nasty food stayed inside me..and I mean nasty, chips, pretzels, dip, Kashi cookies, cereal (Barbara's PB Puffins..soo good), yogurt, veggie burger, microwaved sweet potato, apple sauce, raspberries....ugh.

WHat the HelL is wrong with me...???

I need help. SO bad. Please someone. Anyone. I am so alone. I am living inside my head and it scares the fuck out of me. Maybe I should take my Zoloft. A little early but it may help.

No. Instead I am going to take care of business. I must (1) walk to library, pay fine (with cash), walk back (2) drive to rite aid, drop off prescription for b.c. [a lot of pills these days], stop at walmart for tampons, headband, drive back (3) RECYCLING (4) chill out?

I don't know what (4) is but I do know this. If I can take care of these three things I will be in a way better place this afternoon. I have to try. I have to try. I must. Keep. Trying. Don't give up Sar. Just work it, and take it a day at a time.

yes I am talking to myself basically through the keys...wow. Such disturbing, vivid nightmares lately, well not just lately, more like every night. It has been this way always. It is weird living alone. Part of my fear shows up at night, to remind me to always be careful. Don't let people in or too close. Keep a shield up. Watch your back because nobody else is..

This is a long blog entry, but my fingers are leaping and bounding over the keys like magic. I like this feeling, similar to flying, or what I imagine flying would be like, but not in an airplane. Flying without wings, without help. Just me and air, breezing along...

No comments: