well hello

well hello

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

No exit.

Hello new follower! Checking my email today brought me the biggest sense of giddiness I have felt in awhile. Stayed up reading "Wasted" last night. That woman can write.

It's really something to have my writing commented on, I can't really explain, only that if you write than you know what I am trying to articulate. It is so deeply personal, such an inner drive; to know that someone out there not only read it, but liked it, and freely commented on it brings me pride. Thank you.

Yesterday, ugh, was ridiculous. I mean, sure I ate some healthy things: 100 cal bags of "Craisins", raw veggies with honey mustard, yogurt, veggie burger with honey mustard (no roll!), but then this serious sugar craving kicked in. I was trying to beat it, all along the walk, in the car as I was driving, walking through the aisles of a local grocery store. But was I actively trying? Was I determined? No, and no. I justified it by telling myself that "I've done well today", and "the veggies are what is making me so full, and they are non-fat, so candy won't necessarily hurt"- it just wouldn't help!!

I wanted candy corn. But not badly. It was weird, like I was just following a tried and true pattern of behavior. Like something besides my brain was directing me to the familiar store, to buy comfort food...I was in slow motion. I paced the aisles, found no candy corn (it is July), and settled on South Beach Diet chocolate protein bars (5 in a box at 140 cal each) and fruity "Yogo Bits"...these individually packaged yogurt balls...they are tasty! At 80 cals for one package, they seemed like a good choice. Plus they were marked down, ha, probably should have checked the expiration date or looked online for a recall before I ate them, but hell, I feel fine.

So I devoured 4 SBD bars, 4 packs of Yogos, and felt full. I swear, I was full, maybe a little thirsty for water. But I kick-started something inside. I am finally beginning to realize this, as it's happening, after it is happening... I am in a clinical - b i n g e. and it's bad. It is bad for my poor stomach and bad for my figure.
To make a long story short (I have work in 30 min), I boiled about a cup of fiber-infused, white swirl pasta, and added canned zucchinni in marinara sauce (what?!?!). It sounds gross. And it kind of was. But I still ate a bowl and a half, I even added parmesean cheese and basil; then I walked calmly to the bathroom to barf.

Not. Good. Miss!
It is crazy how it becomes easier after each time. I never imagined myself doing this, ever, and here I am, an expert. FUck. Last night was bad, like once I got the initial purge up, it just started coming up involuntarily. Ugh, little bits of barf were caught in my teeth, and I was trying to rinse my mouth in the sink, then MORE came up unexpectedly..in the sink. Barf. in. the. sink.wtf.

I hate this, why am I doing this to myself? I mean rereading what I just typed above is stomach churning and explicit. I hope no one else tortures themselves like this..it is wrong, it is inbalanced, it is a cry for help? a cry out of lonliness? a form of amusement? another high?

I don't know and I am sorry. I am sorry that I was happy after. I am sorry that today I feel skinny and sexy, due to the scale going down for fucking once. I am sorry that I will not be eating this afternoon. I am going to continue to restrict, because purging is exhausting, and not to mention a hassle. I have to clean the toilet a lot : (

Not wanting to end on a bad note, let me change the music real quick.

I wish the world peace, I wish my family longetivity, good health, and much love.

I will do something every day to better myself.

Think thin.

Avoid nasty fat, horrible sodium, and catastrophic carbs EVERYDAY!

Loo0o0ve & peace!

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