well hello

well hello

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Life is weird.

I don't know where to start, but I can say that forcing myself to write has led to interesting things other times.
I am really high right now, sitting by myself in my messy, tiny, apartment. I am sitting at my desk; I am uncomfortable, this chair sucks. I read a lot of blogs regularly, and "follow" some, and just wonder if anyone reads this one. It is so revealing. If you are reading this, then you know the private me, the one nobody sees or really knows. I am a mess, but I fake it. People think I am ok. I think I am ok. I just have some toxic issues, and I just want to say I'm sorry. I am leading a life of an eating disordered, drug-addicted, college student. I blog about these things, and only hope that others are sane and not as crazy as me. Life is so damn strange. How did I even get here?

My memory is gone. I need to start exercising, my body is going through odd things, gaining weight, wtf. I envision myself thinner, looking hot and skinny and sexy. I can do this, I was this way before. Back in high school I was a TWIG. It was awesome, but I had a different relationship with food, I didn't partake in much emotional eating. I suppose this is because I indulged in experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes instead; these vices were used as coping mechanisms.

Then college, the freshman 15 from the beer/liquor that was everywhere, this was before I knew or cared how fattening beer really is. It is soo gross and full of calories, carbs, sugars..everything unnecessary after a day of eating.

I didn't eat pizza until about 11th grade, then once I started, I couldn't stop, I loved loved loved it. No meat ever, I am a vegetarian and have been for years, but pizza is just the shyt.

Ok, I admit, I am not obese. I am a tall girl, 5 feet 7 1/2 inches, I am not chubby even. But I am fat. I have lots of fat on my hips, thighs, stomach, and ass. A typical pear shape I suppose. My arms are thin, my legs are thin, my neck/ collar area are thin. I just carry it allll in my my middle. What can I do for this?? I go up two flights of stairs to get to my apartment, you would think just doing that daily would tear up those love handles. Maybe I should start going up, then down, then back up, before entering my apartment. Haha, that's a great idea!!!!

Failure to Launch just started. Def gonna watch. Peace.

Think THiN !!!

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