Today has been the worst day. I started out right, by sleeping very late and then eating two bananas and some weight control oatmeal. I should have stopped there. I wanted to stop there. Except, in the apartment above mine a new carpet was being nailed down. This means all day long I was listening to banging and stomping and loud noises. My head still hurts... I wanted to escape and go spend money I don't have. So I drove to the grocery store. My credit card was burning a hole in my wallet. I have been using it sooo much haha, and here is why I am a pathetic waste of life: I buy food, stuff my face, then purge. What. the. fuck. Here is what I ate : bulk candy, a "guiltless gourmet" microwavable wrap, watermelon, and 3/4 of a whole grain baguette (dipped in butter). I am such a fat ass. I did everything wrong. I should have ate the watermelon first. But I ate it last. So of course throwing up any of that disgusting, carb-filled bread was an IMPOSSIBILITY. I am so mad at myself. I am so weak. I am terribly lazy. I have packed nothing for the big move tomorrow. God, I hate myself right now. I couldn't even purge right. The only thing that came out was the watermelon, figures..the healthiest thing comes out. The bread stays in. AHHHHH.
I need to be thinner. I need to stop this "omg I need to eat" thought process. Honestly I WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY this afternoon when I got back from the store. I hate you, bulimia. I truly do. I am now finally figuring out the fact that throwing up is not going to make me thinner. It is just making me feel SICK. So here I am, sitting here feeling awful; I tried purging for a good 30 minutes and FAILED.
I hate me.
I hate food.
I hate me.
I hate food.
I especially hate FAILING AT LIFE. I can't even fucking puke, for god's sake. I need to FAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And now I have all this food here! Because I spent another $30 today that I DON"T HAVE. My credit card bill is going to be through the roof....if only half of the food I bought actually stayed in my body.
No food for the rest of the night. None. No excuses.
Remember Sar, how you feel right now. Worthless, FAT, full, FAT, disgusting, FAT, weak, broke, and FUCKING FAT.
Eating did this. Damn food. I hate you I hate you I hate you Ihateyou.
I am gritting my teeth, my muscles are tense. I need to scream.