What a shitty friday. It is 12:30 am, just got outta work and so hyped up from a red bull and a cappuccino, but not doing anything apparently. My life is a fucking joke. I need some friends. I need a constructive hobby. I need human touch and passion. My forlorn body aches for companionship and from rejection. I hatttteeee this. Why why why why.?.?.? I am anti-social around girls, I am overly aggressive towards guys, I repel everyone. Now all I want to do is get high and forget everything. Oh my gosh I am seriously sad right now. My parents have been fighting like crazy, probably headed for a divorce after twenty-something years; I wouldn't be surprised at all. I am lost. I need to be found. How the hell do I find myself?? Seriously I need answers, guidance, direction..all those good things I try to pass on to my younger brother. I am the one who needs it most..
My teeth hurt from sugary caffeinated beverages..actually my red bull was sugar free, and the capp. was fat free..so that is good at least. And foodwise today I have done decent. Just a diet snapple, a lime fiber one yogurt, a can of corn, some mixed fruit and a bowl of oatmeal made with water. Ok, weird fucking combo I know. My brain is too shot, and too wired to attempt to add my total calorie intake for the day. I am guessing somewhere around 700 (liguid cal.incl).
Not horrible, but next time no oatmeal...e vi ll l ll carbs. Sigh. Time to smoke. I am hungry, but just not willing to head down that complicated path. I really have nothing here to eat anyways. All I know is I am so so sad. And alone, all alone. There is soo much more to say, so much more I could type here, but my shoulders are weary and my head heavy and it is hard to be creative when depression squeezes every part of my body into an unrecognizable piece of twisted, torn flesh.