Concert date tonight

Hello all. I'm in a decent mood - going to see the Arctic Monkeys with Jake this evening! He is driving! It's a date! I'm not sweating it though, just being cool. calm. collected. Until we start drinking, anyway.

Currently sipping some hot tea and sitting here typing naked. I've been spending a lot of time in the nude. Not sexy time unfortunately, it's just because the weather has been hot. The more time I spend naked the more I am able to focus on not overeating. Try it?

I am getting my "allergic to the sun" rash on my arms and forehead again, which blows, but deep breathing and cool showers seem to help.

Still no full time job, still working two part times and have two temp agencies looking for me. I'm trying. Maybe next time I write some shit will have changed.

Got to get ready, I want to be looking my best! He is so cute, he went to the store for ice, beer, and snacks and asked if I wanted anything. What he doesn't realize is that I don't plan to eat a thing. I told him "lemon warheads" (sour candy for those not in the states).

Today I ate: coffee (black). leaf lettuce and spinach salad with a bit of chopped up avocado, grated parm cheese, and light italian dressing. two slice of whole wheat bread with mustard, more chopped up avocado, and one slice of cheese. Filling and satisfying. Calories for the day are below 500. The beer tonight will bring me up into the thousands I'm assuming. I'll be strong though.

Think thin!
Love, Sar

Saucey

Everything changes all the time. Whenever I go to write in this blog I realize that so much has happened it's impossible to put it all down in a few paragraphs. So I don't bother.

I'll leap into last night. M. asked me to chill and I went over there. It was groovy. We were doing lots of laughing and then we made out. He actually has me kinda hooked still.

Then I drove home and texted Jake. We went for a long walk. And...kissed. Not quite a make out sesh. He was super shy and actually shaking.

I kissed two guys in one night and that was not the first time in my life. I think it's normal to hook up with a few people at the same time when you're single.

In comparing the two, I prefer M. tenfold. There is just so much more chemistry.

Jake and I are friends but that's it.

I had therapy today, tuesdays every week. It's been going good. My therapist, Shannon, is a smart lady. I appreciate her guidance.

I've had such an insane craving for bbq sauce. I actually bought some today. Also vegetarian "chicken" nuggets to dunk in the bbq sauce. I had one serving (300 calories) with lots of bbq sauce. I have no idea why this craving is here but it's not gone yet.

New neighbor downstairs with loud ass barking dogs. At least two. Haven't met her yet. Already planning to move because I'm so annoyed by them.

As soon as I get a job.

Have a great day.
xx S

Boys

A familiar heartbreak I haven't felt in weeks. It's twofold this time. Here's why:

C. and I had been taking a break, not talking or hanging out, under the guise of "perspective". Last night after work I bought two beers and a pack of cigarettes. I decided I wanted to get messed up. The beers were 22oz. I drank one and then texted C. to see if he wanted to join me. I went over there and we were alone for the first time in awhile. He sat there in silence. I attempted intellectual conversation. He asked to smoke and I provided. He played music and I sang along while he sat in silence. Getting the pattern? He is boring. I was getting drunk so I made the executive decision to put the moves on him.

I slid closer to him on the couch, he didn't move. I faced him and began running my hands over his body and saying sultry things like, "wanna have some fun?". His reaction? A boner and "I don't want a commitment." Uh, me neither. I was trying to lighten the mood. I tried to kiss him he gave me the cheek. Mortified, I turned to leave. We texted after I was home. I was upset for awhile but seeing him last night was like the final act of our play.

I am no longer interested in the slightest. I RARELY make the first move. I tried because of our history, because the moment maybe called for it, and because I was drunk and felt like having an adventure. He essentially rejected me. So...if we're not friends, and we're not fuck buddies, then we're nothing. And I'm ok with it, finally. Last night I was bored by his company. Last night I was reminded of how toxic he is. The only thing he even talked about was tripping on mushrooms last weekend. He is a dead end.

I mentioned that my heartbreak is twofold. Partly because of C. And partly because of Jake. As I mentioned, him and I have been talking for the past few weeks. A lot. I thought things were progressing nicely. Until yesterday. He and I were texting about getting together. All of a sudden he was being really unclear, saying he wasn't sure what was going on because some friends were coming into town. So I said something back via text that he didn't like. I said, "I'll make it easy for you - forget it, I'll make other plans." It was a moment of defiance. I was getting ready for work and just wanted to know if we were hanging or not, like he said we were. And...I haven't heard anything back since. I even texted him again later last night apologizing if I offended him. Still nothing.

Which brings me to today. I'm hungover from drinking on an empty stomach. I have nothing here to eat except for some random canned goods. I had my last potato this morning, stir fried breakfast-style with a little olive oil and garlic powder. Served with hot sauce. Also coffee. Needless to say I'm so hungry it's making me tired. I will spend a few dollars tonight after work on something. I have to get something in this house. I'm just so damn broke. Maybe tortillas and frozen mixed vegetables. It shouldn't cost too much.

My bank account hasn't been this low in a long time. It's getting scary. I just paid $318 for a traffic ticket which realllyyy hurt me this month. I can't pay any bills at all for a few weeks and they're all coming up being due next week. FML. Probably asking my parents for some money again. *sigh*

I have to get ready for work. I'm not doing anything tonight. Peace.

xo
Sar

Hello June!

It's a new month and I'm another day wiser. I'm about to get really superficial but you know I keep it real. I'm feeling good about myself, my looks, and my weight. I went to a house party the other night and weighed myself secretly upstairs in the bathroom on the digital scale. I'm down five pounds since the last time I weighed in. I feel really happy about that! The number could be even lower considering at that point in the night my stomach was full of alcohol!

Last night I went to a sweet show with a sweet guy. At one point I caught my reflection in the mirror and felt beautiful. It felt so rare; I'm cherishing it. I wore a really cute dress and felt very confident in it. I've been cutting my own hair and it's growing out really nicely. My face looks way better when I'm thinner. Seriously dropping those few pounds gave my face a chiseled glow that I appreciate and crave to keep.

The plan is to keep it up. Restricting just a little to feel the pleasure of the burn.

I'm high on life.
It has been a great weekend.

Love,
Sar

Belly

Going out drinking two days in a row is a good way to get a beer belly. Even if you starve yourself before drinking, the beer sticks to your stomach and inflates it disgustingly. I hate beer but I'm drinking one now to pregame. Going to a show with Jake. We've been talking every day. Should be an interesting night.

Cheers!
xo - Sar

Ever been to Oslo?

I'm feeling quite thin today. It had to be noted. See Sar, you are not a fat failure all the time! The only good thing about stress is lack of appetite. I literally cannot binge when I'm stressed. It's just not fun.

Yesterday: bagel (breakfast), salad (lunch), wine (dinner).
Today: tortilla (90 cal) and carrots w/hummus (90 cal). This was brunch.

Plus coffee, obviously.

I don't feel hunger, just hipbones.

OH! I tried on my bikini yesterday for the hell of it. It's an old one, I've had it for about three years, but it's still cute and not faded or anything. Anywho it looked pretty damn good on me. I must say, for a 27 year old. I will not be embarrassed on the beach or by the pool, I will be confident. Righteous!

I'm going to finish a couple of chores. get ready, gas up the vehicle, and hit the road for my day drive. It's a nice sunny day and I'm feeling alright with the world. Later!

-Sar

Shine bright like a diamond

Yesterday I wrote a poem for the first time in months. I'm not going to share it here but I just reread it and think it's pretty good.

Today is alright, better than most. I slept decent. The sun is out. I took myself to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast (had a gift card to use) and it was tasty. "Stole" a bunch of napkins (because I'm poor). Returned a sweater to Target because I didn't really like it and needed the money back in my account. Bumped into my two girlfriends at the store which was cool.

Now I'm finishing my coffee and about to shower. Work tonight. Off work completely Sunday and Monday which is groovy. I plan to take a little drive and clear my thoughts, possibly down to my old college town (about an hour away). I need it! My mind is muddled. My mind's eye is blurry. My mind's voice is lost in translation.

I sometimes shake my head, as if to clear it, but the numb murkiness remains. So the plan is to drive, completely sober, and let my thoughts wander. I need to figure out a job plan. I truly believe that I will not find something I like until I know what exactly it is that I'm looking for. Sounds cliche but it's true for me right now.

I'll probably stop at the waterfront. Scratch that, I WILL stop at the waterfront. I love water. I love lakes. I love the peace I feel being near nature. The sound of the waves and wind. The sand and driftwood. The sun!

Have a great rest of your weekend =)
Love, Sar

Get real

I've been on a depressive low. Had an interview yesterday set up through the temp agency which I bombed. My facial skin is still itching like crazy. Not sure if it's nerves or something more. Too scared to find out for certain. I didn't eat at all yesterday and then went out drinking. I ordered two vodka shots right off the bat and a beer. Downed it all asap. Ordered another beer. It was a nice buzz. But then I came home and ate.

I had a salad (90), french fries (500), a granola bar (180), fruit snacks (70), chips (200) and dip (150). Like a fat ass.

Which brings me to today. It's early, I'm pmsing, and I need to get to work. Still only working part time and money worries loom over me and weigh upon my neck. I'm drinking my coffee black again to save calories and money on cream. I feel so fat you guys but I just can't tell if I am or not. It SUCKs.

I know realistically that this is the most I've ever weighed. I can wear all of my size 6 jeans but I'd prefer them to be looser. The best part of this time of year is skirts and dresses, which make me feel pretty (usually). I haven't been exercising much. The poor person diet shall suffice for now.

I go back and forth with wanting to buy a scale constantly. I just can't do that to myself though. It's unnecessary torture.

No action lately, not since M. tried to kiss me two weeks ago or so. Haven't heard from him since.

Every time C. and I talk we fight so we decided yesterday we are no longer friends. He cried. I thought about death.

My other neighbor Jake has been coming around a lot. He's younger but he's alright. Who knows.

Other than that, I'm as single as ever. Which is fine actually. There's a lot of eye candy out there and I cannot be tied down. I don't want to be tied down.

I guess that's enough for today. Peace.

--Sarah

Weird though

I haven't had anything to eat in twenty five hours. The weird thing is, I felt really fat last night. I tried on a million outfits, staring each time at my stomach and deciding I look unacceptable.

I've been good lately...no sweets, no binging. But I look at my stomach and just see layers of fat. It's confusing and stressful. I know my stomach is empty but that's not good enough. I want it to *look* empty.

But I must be doing something right... I went out last night with a guy "friend" Jake (are they ever really friends?) who kindly paid for my cover admission and drinks at a show (thank god because I'm broke). M. was there. His band played an acoustic set, which rocked, and there were two other really great bands!!! My fav.

It was super hot. I was wearing a tank top and a skirt and sandals. Everyone was sweating and dancing and drinking fast to cool down.

After the set, I drunkenly asked M. to come over and blaze. He called me as we were walking home. Jake is actually my neighbor. We live a few blocks from the bar. I answered the phone and M. was like, "I'm here". Jake and I were about twenty feet away at that point. The three of us had an awkward conversation where I invited Jake to join and he said no and then M. and I went inside without a look back.

We smoked, we talked, we laughed. I was wasted and stoned and avoiding emotional topics, which M. *will* get into. He tried to kiss me I looked away. He tried again and I kissed him back. I mean, guys, he's fucking hot. He's in a band. We all know I have a weakness for boys in bands.

It was great for a minute, and then I got the spins. I pushed him away and said some dumb thing about how I wasn't sure about it. I couldn't even tell the truth, which was that I was way too messed up to hook up. I'm embarrassed to admit it even to myself.

Next thing I know we are "going to bed". Him on the couch. At this point I obnoxiously went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and everything else that I like to do before bed while blatantly ignoring him. I got in bed, alone, wanting to go to him, wanting him to come to me, but then I passed out.

I woke to the sound of him going to the bathroom. I pretended to be asleep. I heard the jingle of his keys off the table and the door open and shut and he was gone. Not a word said to me.

I waited a little bit while trying to fall back asleep and then called him! Lol. He didn't answer. Then he sent me a text saying he wanted to be in his own bed, thanks for the couch. Perfectly understandable.

Weird though.

xo
Sar

Hang on to your ego

I feel like I'm never warm. My hands get so cold they start to hurt. I've been curling up into a little ball while I sleep at night only to wake to a stiff spine. I long for strong arms wrapped around me.

I'm off today. No school for the kids means no work for me. It's 1PM and I'm sitting here in my pajamas sipping tea. I have been struggling the past few days with stress. I told my therapist I wouldn't buy weed (well I said that I'd try) and on Sunday I gave in. It was a significantly less amount than usual. Really it's just a little taste to hold me over until...today? Just ran out.

A familiar panic sets in. Smoking is the most complicated relationship I have right now, the biggest time suck currently, my lover and my master. I love it. I love the smell, the taste, the buzz. And I hate it. I hate how it holds me back, how I hate myself for giving in to it, how much money I've spent on it over the years. 

It is my crucifix. I carry it everywhere and prop it up when I'm ready to stop and die a little. 

Oh, and it's not just the grass. Drinking has become a bit of an issue as well. Mostly because I don't know how or when to stop and end up blitzed, saying shit the very next day I wish I didn't. It sucks. 

Last Saturday I went to a sweet show, I love live music. I was drinking, of course, and then J. showed up. J. is a friend of a friend. We have met once before and kinda swing in the same circle. We had also been doing some friendly facebook messaging. 

I was already drunk when he got there. I was also high. I was in another world, living in another time. Anyway, he shows up and I say hi and run outside. I mean, run. I lit up a cigarette and talked to a self-proclaimed "reiki-master" who told me I have nothing to fear but fear itself - a cliche I hate.

I appreciated the alternate perspective though, so I went back in to talk to him. We flirted a bit, had some fun with our group and then it gets to be closing time and hey why not? let's head back to my place! It wasn't just us two. Two other friends came as well. And it was fun. Except...I was drunk. I said some stupid shit. I'm embarrassed.

I have not heard from J. since. Well, he "liked" a picture of my cat I posted on facebook on Sunday and that's it! No more messages. I messaged him Sat. night after everyone left saying thanks for the ride but nothing back. He doesn't have my phone number...didn't ask for it or anything. I mean, he could obviously get it very easily from anyone if he reallyy wanted to.

I am disheartened. I thought we were clicking. I haven't given up all hope but it's already almost 3 days later. Unless he's playing some serious game I sort of have to take the silence as disinterest. #bummed

My thoughts torment me, telling me it's my fault. It's always my fault. 

xo

S

Better

Beautiful

Well you guys. I'm doing it. I've had this blog for about six years. I've read my poetry at open mic nights. Writing is my release. At the urging of my therapist, I've placed ads on this blog. Yes, I sold out.

So effing click on them why don't you? ;) Just playing, loves. Don't click. Screw the man!

In other news, it's Friday night and I'm home alone. I walked to the store to buy a can of cat food and grabbed a beer. I sat on my stoop and drank my bud lite and smoked mad cigarettes and texted so many people. And now I'm inside, upstairs. In an hour my friend Jessup is coming over to blaze. I'm out, so I'm excited.

Love life? What love life! Kidding again, there are a few dudes I could have sex with, if need be. The need hasn't quite been there but that's ok. It's all about having the option.

Things with C. are tumultuous as always. He is supposed to be my best (guy) friend but our (mostly my) emotions get the best of us. Every. Time. It's actually a mess right now. Our "friendship" hangs precariously on the line. I am attempting to smooth shit out but I have a temper, ya know?

Which reminds me!! Thanks for the nice words about my pic. I know it's not exactly close up but it's me! xo

I met with the temp agency today. I'll be starting a part time gig next wednesday. It's not much, but it'll help pay the bills right now while I finish my contract at the school. The temp lady loved me, she's going to be looking for full time work as well for me, which would be fantastic. As long as I like it!

And we all know...I'm picky!

Have a great weekend, peeps! Thanks for reading my humble little blog. Think thin ;)

I have no green which means no munchies which means me being thinner than I was yesterday. It's a decent feeling. Especially with summer coming up. Are you ready to bare it all in a bikini? Me neither, let's work it!!!!!!!!!!


LOVE,
Sar

PS. Happy May!!!!!!!! Can't wait for some warm weather holy crap.

Me

Perhaps you are curious about what I look like, this elusive Sar whose blog you dig.
Go ahead and take a look to the left side of this screen. Yep. It was time to show my face.

Peace
Sar

PS: Do you know me?

The space between our wicked lies

Look away, look away

As April comes to an end I can look back and say with certainty that I've changed. Maybe not a lot but enough. When this month started I was coming off a high. I was hooked on Z. That faded fairly fast, and now I've almost forgotten him. I've realized the truth; I remain logical.

Instead of regret or remorse I am numb.

Today is Tuesday and it's raining. They are calling for rain all week. I got drunk on Sunday. I didn't even mean to. The funny thing with me and drinking is that I never can tell when I'm drunk until it's way, way too late. And the realization doesn't happen half the time. Usually I just do my best to keep the spins at bay and keep my voice under control. No one can tell I'm drunk. Not even me.

I live in a constant altered state. The waves and blips of levels of inebriation do not resonate.

I am running out of money and it's brought aboard my old friend panic. A familiar feeling of stress and anxiety and worry; I am almost comforted by the drama of it all. It's sick. I need to find a job. I will find a job.

God, sometimes I just hate myself! And everyone! I am so concerned always with what everyone else is doing or thinking. I want to know and control it all. But I can't and it eats away at me. I have therapy tonight, good thing. Weekly is working. Tonight will be my third visit and I hope so sincerely that she will see past my facade of wellness.

Time for work. Love love love you.
XO
sarah

Covet

I am mourning an invisible person's death, I am lacking insight and clarity and I have questions!! THIS is why they warn against one night stands. Maybe it's better that he doesn't live here. If he did, I would feel even more compelled to hang out. This is a new feeling...or is it? Have I been here before, same fruit - different color? I'm not making any sense. I am caffeinated and pmsing and not happy. I hate feeling like this. Feelings are not my friend today.

I miss Z. Isn't that stupid? I miss him but I don't even know him. I don't have any clue what his life is like or if he's still fooling around on the road with others, and I can't even ask him. I can't do anything but be grateful for the experience.

We have "kept in touch". A smattering of texts. I don't know if it's helping or hurting me.

My period is due to start today. I have the signs and symptoms so FINGERS CROSSED it comes. Because if it doesn't...well, that's not something I can deal with right now.

How do I move on from this? What is the proper course of action? I can't forget him, I won't. But I can't just put my life on hold under the HOPE that MAYBE someday things could change. Too risky? Inherent wishful thinking?

I suppose the solution is to do nothing. Take it as it comes. As Ellie G. would say, "lovers hold on to everything".

Enough.

It's the weekend. I've been on spring break this whole week. The sun is shining out my window so I'm going to go for another walk today. I've been good about my walks, at least. Gotta tone up for summer.

I've been job searching like crazy! Also considering an out of state move.

I have no idea where to start with that though. According to my parents, you need lots of money (and a job) to move out of state. I do not have either. Have any of you ever moved out of state? How did you do it? Looking for any advice on this, please and thank you!

Well guys...have a happy easter weekend. Take care :-D
Xo
Sar

Look out the window, see how the sun is shining? Get offline and go outside!

How are you guys? I'm dandy, quit my serving job at the restaurant last weekend! How irresponsible of me!

According to my mom, the depression is to blame. I am not a lost cause, however, and have scheduled my first appointment with a mental health counselor next week. Here we go again... I am exhausted at the possibility of starting from scratch with my story but it has to be done. I do need help.

I think I know what else I need, just lack the motivation to make a change. So for now I have one part-time job (facing down a week of unpaid vacation - spring break) at the school. I will not be able to survive financially for long. It is time to update my resume and find one full-time job.*

*that I can handle.

I am weak, my friends. Weak and impulsive as fuck lately. The sex. The quitting. The drinking til I puke. Bad decisions coming from a dark place. I don't know if I'm doing this all for the story, to be dramatic...or if I literally cannot help myself.

I have this crazy (but perfectly logical) fear of stds/pregnancy (from my one night stand) and have not even called my gyno yet. Speaking of "him" (let's just call him Z), we've texted a tad but it's faded away. It seems that keeping in touch will not be an everyday thing. At this point I'm just trying to keep it real, not sure where he's at.

Life is varied and without reason! I'm confident and petrified but restless. I crave change but seemingly do better with routine. I want to move so bad. By the ocean. I've been saying it for years!!!! but it hasn't happened. Why do I prefer solitude, my own company over others? I say, "there's no one close to me" and believe it until the reality of it hurts somewhere deep and untouchable.

I need touch and physical proximity but when it's in front of me sometimes I shy away, not being able to handle what comes next - the feelings, the comfortability, the mundane? I know parts of myself and yet there's a never before discovered infinite reservoir within.

I still haven't touched the meds my doc gave me. I self-medicate, look it up.

My heart is racing. I drank two cups of strong coffee and smoked a little herb. I vacuumed and called my mother. I'm actually going home for the afternoon - laundry and dinner with the family. Pizza. Which is why I'm not eating lunch. Yes, I'm trying to restrict.

I need to be out in the sunshine. It's beckoning me!
xo
-S