well hello

well hello

Friday, July 16, 2010

Drunken haze.

I'm so incredibly hungover. When will I learn not to drink on an empty stomach? It's funny, actually, because I knew I was going out last night, so I purposely ate 2 scrambled eggs and 3 slices of whole wheat toast. Apparently that is not enough, haha, because after 5 beers I puked in a bar bathroom. My friend that I was with thought that eating would help me, because "I'm so tiny" (LOL) so she bought me a veggie burger and fries. I ate most of it, and then threw it allllll up in the parking lot. Right in front of her, and she's saying, "Sar, don't force it out", but little does she know, I've got experience forcing food out. In my defense, it wasn't bulimia at all, I just drank far too much. On a hot day. With a small-ish amount of food in my stomach. And nothing would stay down.
So I passed out at her house and now I'm home, and I've got all this homework for my online class, and no drive or energy to do it. I've been taking my birth control pill so sporadically, and now my hormones are fucked, but whatever, it's not like I'm having sex.

I meet a guy, get to know him, he gets to know "my issues" and then...runs.
If I haven't already ran.

Yesterday, I walked on the treadmill until I burned 150 calories. It's not much, but it was a start, and a decent way to start my day. It definitely had me smiling. Ugh, I just made such a drunk ass of myself last night, I'm mortified.

I had a reason for posting, what was it? Oh yes. S.T. : I am moving out halfway through August, to return to my college town for one final semester of undergrad. Can't Wait!!!!!!!!!!

Things with my parents are the same: bad.

I have a killer headache and feel today like there is something seriously wrong with me. I fell asleep last night with my hand on my hipbone, feeling so happy that I puked, even though I was way too drunk. I am out of control. Where has my purpose gone? I think I am depressed. I think I am crazy. I know that I need counseling, it's just so expensive and I'm going to wait until I get back to school, because it's free there. Well not free, technically, but included with tuition.

God, I feel sick. I'm such a downer, such an idiot, such a drunken mess I was last night, such a hopeless failure today. Guys are repelled by me, my friends are shady (except the girl I was with last night, my best friend), my parents don't trust me, and I trust no one.
And my stomach hurts.
And I am alone, oh God, I'm so alone.

Think thin. Because on days like this, nothing else is a comfort.


1 comment:

Charr. said...

Sar, you're never alone. There may be a screen separating all of us from you, but really doll, you're never alone, okay? <3
You aren't an idiot. You aren't a failure. I wish you thought more highly of yourself, you deserve happiness.
Counselling during the school year wouldn't hurt, that's a good idea. Take care,