well hello

well hello

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I crave cheese sometimes.

Period week = binge and bitchiness. Yup, that's about where I'm at, with a side of confusion. I swear that I never thought this summer would be so full of boys. Good God where did they all come from? I'm not even nice, or hot. I'm *ok*. I'm fat though. Ew. Skinnier than my friends, yeah, but still FAT!

Especially today, after: 1/2 bagel with melted mozzarella. huge bowl of cereal with almond milk. 2 cookies. ice cream sandwich. big salad (with more mozzarella). slice of cheese pizza (no crust). larabar. veggie chips.


I am so disgusting when I eat, I shovel it in my mouth, barely tasting it, just wanting to fill that burning need inside me. It worked today, I'm full as fuck. It's 3 pm. Jeez. I'll admit that most of that food was ate last night, but it's technically Tuesday, damnit. And I hate myself for indulging. I n D u Lg E r <-- that's me.

Ahem. Back to the boys. A. is a dreamboat. He's got those blue eyes that make me weak. He's a southern sweetheart and a gentleman. He's short, but I must resign to the fact that most guys are in fact short compared to me, the tall tree.
A. and I have exchanged rapid fire text messages. So fast, so much. I keep having to delete them from my phone so it doesn't spontaneously combust from all of the excitement.

I left "The Admirer" aka J. in the cold. I'm just not into him. He's ok, but nothing I'm sweating. By that I mean that I am just not attracted to him, or his personality, or something. It's weird. Hearts are strange. He is probably feeling rejected but it happens, I've certainly felt rejected many many times this past year.

I made out with N. (my best friend's brother) last week. That was fun. There's really nothing there, though. He is actually more of a partier than I am. Makes sense, he was in the military. He is super sexy though, and drives a hot fucking car. Ohgod. I melt. But again, I'm looking to feel comfortable around a guy, and I don't necessarily feel that I can be myself around N. or J.

A. on the other hand? : )

Ok, enough of the name abbreviations and snippets of my sordid affairs. I need to focus on me, which I have NOT been doing. I've been drinking until I puke, stuffing my face late at night, smoking a shit load of cigarettes...I am a hot mess.

It happens...

But I'm still thinking thin every day and restricting whenever possible. I enjoy restricting, and I did it all weekend, but like always, it caught up to me. My hunger yesterday and today was insatiable. However! If I stop now (which I did) I just know that by tonight/tomorrow I'll be feeling a lot better about life.

Love ya'll.

Ps I can't believe I'm already excited for Fall fashion. Wtf? What's the must-have item this Fall for you??


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