Mention food and I get defensive.
Mom: Did you eat anything today?
(We stare at each other)
Me: What, do you think I just go the day without eating?
Mom: Yes, I think sometimes you do.
This is getting to be a source of contention in our household. I fucking eat, obviously. Look at me. I'm not too thin, hell, I'm not even thin. So why ask me everyday if I ate? I'm not 3 years old, I am pretty sure I can handle breakfast and lunch every day when you're at work... I'm pretty sure my fat self spreads for miles.
I'm thinking about this, getting my mind straight.
I figured it out today. I took a walk and the answer that I've been looking for came to me. I've been sabotaging myself. This summer I told myself, it's ok to eat because you're thinner than all your friends, what a lie. It's never ok to eat.
But summer is half over and I'm done with this overeating shit. Has it really taken me this long to notice the weight gain? Is it really just clicking now that I've been doing this to myself? I wanted to blame someone or something else. But I can't!
The only reason I haven't turned into a complete whale is because after the fire, I lost ten pounds in two weeks. It stayed off (mostly) until I came home from College town and got so comfortable around my old friends and family.
I will obsessively count my calories (too late, I already do). I will not binge on disgusting shit, if it's going to happen, it'll start with veggies, as punishment for my gluttonous self for wanting anything.
Ugh, I'm sorry, I was going to get all pro-a, but I got a stupid text from a stupid guy. Ok, he's not stupid, just annoying me right now. It's A. I've mentioned him before, he is really hot, and funny, and nice ... but shy, short, and lacking confidence around me. I hate it when guys are intimidated by me.
Anyway, we text a lot. And he asked what I did, and I, trying to subtly remind him of my awesomeness, mentioned that I cooked a delicious dinner.
Oh, the things we women do. OK GETTING ON WITH IT I SWEAR. He asked what I made. I answered: "I stir-fryed squash, onions, cauliflower, broccoli, mushrooms, peppers, & tofurkey, with spices for seasoning."
Finally, (and this is his exact quote): "Lol sounds gross. Naw jk I bet it was good! Idk bout the tofurkey tho".
Text shorthand at it's finest. I guess I just wanted him to have an open mind and compliment me on being in the kitchen cooking a fresh dinner instead of sitting on my ass eating a tv dinner off a tv tray (which I've done, but I'm trying to paint a better picture). I want him to know that I am great. It's normal, right? When you're talking to someone to want them to want you? The thing is, I'm not even entirely sure about him. I just like to keep men on the back burner sometimes.
Getting back to my little drama, I didn't respond to him calling my meal "gross". It wasn't gross, blogger friends. It was healthy and tasty. Of course, the only reason I made it was because of the previously mentioned conversation with my mom. She was watching me. If I'm going to eat in front of them and go all out and cook, it better be something I'll actually enjoy.
So he just responded, which interrupted my serious little rant up there. ^
He goes, "I would trust you to cook for me."
Give me a fucking break you male chauvinist bastard. Who said I'm cooking anything for anyone except for myself? Like you'd even try tofurkey, you meat-eating fisherman!
And yet, I find myself swooning. Why?
I'm going to pack another bowl. I'm going to read some more. I'm going to get shit done tomorrow, because today was lazy. I'm going to be thin. I'm going to be thin. I'll do anything to be thin.