Why are my toe and finger nails blue today? And why are my feet freezing? It's fucking July and I want to be warm, damnit.
I just came back home, it is four in the morning, I was with *the admirer* also know as J. It was a great time :)
I enjoy his attention. I think he is attractive and really kind. We had an amazing talk on his rooftop tonight. Under the stars, smoking a little peace pipe, just him and I...it was almost romantic. It was worthwhile. It was a nice way to spend the rest of my evening. Today really wasn't bad.
I stayed under 950 calories, which is great.
I love how skinny I feel next to most people (but not J. - he's super thin). Seriously, and I can say most because I am thin...
just not thin enough...
And so I will continue my mission to skinny. I am obviously doing something right, though I think I plateaued. Hope not, but it's reason enough to work out.
I am always just happier when I have a successful restricting day.
It's weird, in the past two days I've been on the receiving end of talks about "dysfunctional eating", or "starving herself" as my mom told me about a distant relative. My friend was talking about how people's weights go up and down. I almost wonder if she was talking about me.
Because I have lost weight.
I'd be a fool to say I haven't. And yet, I'm oddly unsatisfied. It's like, when do I stop thinking about losing? When am I comfortable enough with myself to stop? When do I start feeling good about myself? It's never fucking good enough, is it? This doesn't end until my body quits, and I don't want to get there. But nothing's really stopping me.
It's late, and I'm tired. I've been kicked out of my room though. My sister and her husband are sleeping in my bed, with their baby (my nephew!) in a small crib beside them. I'm in another room, with my cat. Sleep isn't happening tonight because he's wide awake. And so am I, really. I can't get over this thing with J. It's realllllly weird. He is so open- so...adoring. It's actually a bit much, but I really like it, and understand that my self esteem really needs the boost.
Is that terrible?
Oh, man. I sound like a manipulative witch. Fuck it. I just gotta live.