well hello

well hello

Monday, July 26, 2010

Turquoise Beauties.

I wanted to post quickly and tell you that dinner was a success. There was no family drama or fights. We acted civilized. (Acted, haha, all the world's a stage...) I ate NO tortilla chips and drank UNsweetened iced tea. I ordered a salad with lettuce, tomato, onion, mushrooms, peppers, tofu, cucumbers, salsa, and cilantro. NO dressing. NO cheese. Nothing bad or fattening, just veggies and it was big so no one fucking questioned me.

I still feel so fat though. Earlier, after I showered, I stared at myself in the mirror and pinched my upper arm fat and burst into tears. Sometimes I get my inner monologue going too, "I hate you I hate you Sarah you're so fat you're so ugly omg you're so fat so fat so fat and I hate you I hate hate hate you. You stupid fat ass ugly retard, you're so stupid, so fucking dumb you fat ass..." and so on and so forth until I cry actual tears and the loathing is too much and I am filled with rage, pure rage. And then it stops, and I go on.

I did no make up, wore simple clothes, didn't do my hair. Today was me in my natural "glory". I just wanted to get away from the mirror.

Oh, the mirror...

Sometimes my friend, mostly my foe.

Everyday we meet eyes, me and the girl who stares back at me.
Everyday I punch her with a silent fist.
Everyday I poke and prod and grab fat.
Everyday is a war.

You understand, don't you?

I am doing okay now, I think. I cleaned out my cat's litter box. I tossed a load of laundry in. I finished my financial aid shit for college. I emailed my school schedule to my boss. Life could be a lot worse, and it felt like it was, earlier. But I took care of some shit and now I'm just going to do what I do best: smoke and surf the internet. Why? Because I'm a geek and that stuff makes me happy.

One week left in my summer online class. It will be GLORIOUS to be done. Tomorrow, I will dedicate myself to my project, then I'll bring the movie back, shove my books in a corner, and RELAX RELAX RELAX, and then I'll fill out the course evaluations.
And I think finally then, ladies and gentleman, I'll be okay, truly okay.

It'll be time to focus on the move. Moving day is coming up : )

Can't wait to get me and my kitty outta here.

But, back to the present. I have heartburn from that salad, haha weird. I bought new sunglasses today because I lost mine at the beach last week.

As for the boys?
I'm fucking sick of them all. I have a terrible fear of commitment and I am scared to death of letting anyone in or get close to me. I can't, so I won't. And that sums up my situation. Pretty much.

I gotta get outta here. I love you, whoever you are. Actually Flushed, I have gmail too, we SHOULD chat.

Can I be this skinny? Can you?

I need some encouragement. It must come from within, I suppose.
 Or maybe without, as in:
Go Without.


For the love of all things good and right, THINK THIN!


Charr. said...

You can definitely be that skinny, just keep it up [: Good work with supper today :)
That's awesome that you're done your course work tomorrow, congrats!
I seriously love that little passage you wrote about everyday being a war with the mirror. What you said was so very, very true.
Take care,

GreenBeads said...

I wish I could be this thin one day! I hope that this will happen soon. I'm trying and your blog inspires me :))) Good Luck for both of us..