I'm sick of Sar. Self-hatred doesn't get me far but good Lord I am fucking disgusting today. I ate a frozen pizza, 3 servings, total calories 690. It was a store-brand veggie frozen one. I left the crusts. Then I wanted something sweet, because fatties like me crave dessert after every meal, even breakfast. I grabbed the bag of chocolate Oreos, the jar of organic peanut butter, and a napkin. I filled a cup with some water and sat down in front of my lap top. I scarfed down at least eight oreos dipped in pb. I drank some water. It is 2:45 PM and I am done eating for the day, absolutely, positively FINISHED.
My eating habits are so *f u c k e d.
I don't know how to be normal, what is normal? Would a normal person eat half of the pizza and save the rest for later? I don't know, for I am crazy. Clearly.
I don't know what to do with myself, I wish I could make a move. I contemplate walks, naps, movies, books, homework for my summer class. Nothing sounds good. Eating doesn't even sound good at all, which makes sense, considering the MASSIVE MEAL I just ate. Pizza and cookies...lovely, Sar.
I just stepped on the scale, that evil demon. 138. Isn't that just.perfect.?!? God damn it all. What the hell. I should really just go puke. But I won't because I don't want to. I hate throwing up, honestly. I don't deserve that relief. I picked out the food. I cooked it and ate it and enjoyed the tastes while I was experiencing them. I am a fat cow now. I am such a fat lazy fuck.
I understand that weight fluctuates but seriously that's a lot of pounds.
Oh, I am so full. My stomach is pressing out and I am just feeling so full and I want to feel empty and I really just hate hate hate myself I hate Sar I hate me I hate hate hate it all.
I miss P.D. Alice & 1:10. Come back ya'll.
I am such a failure today. Goodbye for now.