well hello

well hello

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Fail before Four.

I'm sick of Sar. Self-hatred doesn't get me far but good Lord I am fucking disgusting today. I ate a frozen pizza, 3 servings, total calories 690. It was a store-brand veggie frozen one. I left the crusts. Then I wanted something sweet, because fatties like me crave dessert after every meal, even breakfast. I grabbed the bag of chocolate Oreos, the jar of organic peanut butter, and a napkin. I filled a cup with some water and sat down in front of my lap top. I scarfed down at least eight oreos dipped in pb. I drank some water. It is 2:45 PM and I am done eating for the day, absolutely, positively FINISHED.

My eating habits are so *f u c k e d.

I don't know how to be normal, what is normal? Would a normal person eat half of the pizza and save the rest for later? I don't know, for I am crazy. Clearly.

I don't know what to do with myself, I wish I could make a move. I contemplate walks, naps, movies, books, homework for my summer class. Nothing sounds good. Eating doesn't even sound good at all, which makes sense, considering the MASSIVE MEAL I just ate. Pizza and cookies...lovely, Sar.

I just stepped on the scale, that evil demon. 138. Isn't that just.perfect.?!? God damn it all. What the hell. I should really just go puke. But I won't because I don't want to. I hate throwing up, honestly. I don't deserve that relief. I picked out the food. I cooked it and ate it and enjoyed the tastes while I was experiencing them. I am a fat cow now. I am such a fat lazy fuck.
I understand that weight fluctuates but seriously that's a lot of pounds.

Oh, I am so full. My stomach is pressing out and I am just feeling so full and I want to feel empty and I really just hate hate hate myself I hate Sar I hate me I hate hate hate it all.

I miss P.D. Alice & 1:10. Come back ya'll.

I am such a failure today. Goodbye for now.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you've had such a shitty day. No worries though, the awful crap we choose to eat does eventually metabolize and go away... somewhere... we can pretend it simply vanishes into thin air, so we can all start over again with a clean slate. I promise, it works... sometimes. I miss you! Come back more. Please?

Charr. said...

You aren't a failure. Remember, failure is when you give up; you just hit a bump in the road-- and we all know too well, that happens to everyone. Don't be too hard on yourself doll, tomorrow will be better <3
Besides, if you think about it, that's still less than you're "supposed" to have according to the whole daily caloric intake recommendation thing, so you aren't going to gain off that.
Take care,