I've neglected this blog. My fears are starting to take over, and the fears of actually documenting what I'm eating and what's been going on have constructed this invisible shield between the computer and I. In other words, I had to start a blog on Blogger for a class, and I am terrified that the two will somehow be linked, and my classmates will start reading about my eating disorder. However, today I do not care. I need to write, so write I will.
My life is so full and busy, yet I feel as if something is missing. I feel incomplete, somehow. I have started talking to myself again.
Here's some of what has been going on:
A friend from back home died last week; he overdosed on drugs and it killed him. Here's how horrible of a person I am: I took off work to go to his wake, and didn't go. I stayed here. I didn't want to drive all the way back just to be sad and surrounded by devastated people. I am selfish for doing this, but today, finally, I said a prayer to him. I spoke out loud in my car on the way to school early this morning. I feel better because of it.
I just devoured an entire bag of Bugles. Total calories in the bag?  Holy hell I'm out of control. I was doing fine. I had a banana with some peanut butter for breakfast and I remember thinking in class, "I'm not hungry, I haven't thought about food for about an hour." It was a striking thought. I am usually always thinking about food, like what I'll eat or not eat, when I will or won't eat, what other's eat, food I saw in a blog somewhere, etc. So the realization of food leaving my mind must have freaked me out.
After class, I walked around for a bit and ended up at the school store [the devil in disguise]. I bought 2 apples, a water, a juice ... and at the last minute, those damn counter-dwelling impulse buys caught my eye, and I grabbed my bag of Bugles [crunchy corn snacks] [ugh]. I drank exactly half the juice on my drive home, came in, washed my hands [I'm obsessed], turned on my computer, grabbed some salsa, opened the bag and sat down. And ate. And ate.
And now the bag is empty save for some crumbs and I am full, with the familiar feeling of an expanded stomach.
I sit here now, hunched over, desperately thirsty but too high to remember to take a sip of the water placed next to me, and I'm wondering if i'll ever get past this binge eating.
I mean, I've done okay on the eating front, but lately I've been getting these crazy urges to binge. Like, I just want to. Who wants to binge??
Someone who's been restricting, that's who. My brain takes over and orders my hands to pick up food and eat it.
I am dizzy. I feel nauseous and tense and really just want to jump in the lake. Yes there is a lake very nearby, and it's so pretty to look at. Maybe I'll take a walk, oh wait, nevermind. I already showered today and it's probably 90 degrees F out there. I don't want to get all sweaty because I've two more classes today. And then? Tomorrow is Friday! My birthday is this weekend, ahhhhhhhhhhh! Hope it's not terrible.
I don't recall what I did last year. Haha wow my memory is shit. No wonder school is not my strong point, I can't play the system if I don't memorize the teacher's monologues and spit them back out on a test.
I feel really sick. I've got to go. I'm going to watch the movie required for my next class. I've got two hours.
Stay strong. Don't be weak like me. Don't eat food that comes in a bag, it's just a really stupid idea.
It's 11:28 AM and this is what I've ate: banana, spoonful of peanut butter, Bugles, apple.
Nothing else. I will be in class until almost five anyway. I hate myself for giving in to temptation. I'm going to smoke my bowl and think about what I did and why I did it.
Why did I do it? Loneliness? Boredom? Fear of time spent alone? Hobby? Self-destruction?
All of the above?
Take care, lovelies.