I'm fat today. Everyday. Some days it is more noticeable than others. Some days I eat until I can't stop. That is the case for this afternoon.
I started the day off restricting, obviously. I paused after class, to tell my professor how moved I felt from the subject matter. At first I had to look away and speak real slow so I wouldn't sob. It was embarrassing. But I am truly amazed at how far women have come and how far we still have to go in terms of civil rights and equality, especially in the work place. I really am fascinated with what we've been learning about, basically it's just American history; we're studying the Cold War Era specifically. I can't believe the reaction it evokes in me ... it's powerful. I couldn't zone out if I tried. My ears strain to hear every word spoken by the others in the room. My heart and mind race as I try to take it all in while simultaneously plotting and planning for a better future America.
Anyway. It led me to a binge. I got all worked up and wanted to eat I guess. No, scratch that. I didn't want to eat. I wanted to fill up the emptiness. It really grows and makes itself felt when I get to thinking about stuff that really matters. I feel so alone in my self. I feel solitary in my thoughts. I feel this strange sense of disconnect. I feel like I'm driving in the dark, lost, through dense woods and curved roads, blindfolded and speeding. It's scary.
My stomach hurts. Here's what I bought and ate this afternoon after school. Bag of Soy Crisps , pint of ice cream (I threw about 2/3 cup away) , Starburst , Hummus & Pretzel Pack .
All gobbled down in about an hour, maybe less. Sick ...
The plan? Water. Read. Sleep.
Class tomorrow and maybe a counseling appointment. I say maybe because I forgot. I am slightly losing it but still holding on. Tomorrow will be better.
There is nothing worse right now than this fat feeling. How do the fatties do it? Don't they constantly notice this ... pressure and pretense and such? It sickens me, to feel this full. Off junk. I need to get over this compulsive binging. It's really quite gross and I don't want to be like those people who eat and eat all day everyday. I'm not one of those people. I was thriving on 280 calories from 6 this morning until about 5:30 in the afternoon. I enjoy restriction, it's good for me.
So I'l continue going as long as possible without eating. If I eat, I eat. All this eating does is piss me off and make my brain feel worse. I talk the shit about myself inside my head, only when I eat though. When I'm not eating I'm fine. Well, better than this.
Think thin please. Be thinspo. We all need it.
There are definitely some thin girls in my classes. I love it. I can't help but stare sometimes. Is that creepy? Please tell me you do it too. It's thinspiration and I won't be stopping. I mean I'm not obvious, unless maybe they know they are super thin and are used to the second looks. Whatevs, I do what I want.
Take care. Peace. Love.