well hello

well hello

Saturday, September 25, 2010

You promise spring and still my lover won't return to me

Saturday. Finally. This long ass week ended and I'm glad. I've even got something to look forward to: my sister and my nephew are coming to visit next weekend. So I took off work and I'll be heading home for a night. Or two. We'll see how much I can tolerate.

Last night I met up with J. (hot guy I work with) after I closed at work. He texted me, asking if I'd want to meet for a drink or something. I thought long and hard about it. I was sweating, but I had brought deodorant and body spray to work with me in my bag. I had nothing to wear, only what I had on, which was a gray tank top under my work polo shirt. I don't usually wear tank tops due to my paranoia over flabby arms. However it just so happens that I did three sets of twenty arm lifts. So I said yeah, sure, meet me here.

He was standing outside, leaning against the wall, arms crossed, looking god-like. The first thing he said was obviously hey and then, very sincerely, you look like you've just had a long day. He is seriously psychic. I totally did have a long fucking day. We remained in tune the rest of the night. We were together for only like two and a half hours but it was pretty sweet. He is a total gentleman. He didn't even try to make a move, which surprised me and impressed me.

He knows what it's like getting hit on all the time, just like I do. So I suppose he respects or reckons that I'd like something a tad more untraditional. Or maybe ........

Ahh, I could keep going on, but I won't. I'm so sick of wondering and worrying about the future, which is UNKNOWN.
No, I don't want a relationship, No I don't believe this guy will fall in love with me, No I am not sure, I am scared and full of excuses and justifications and mind and heart altering moral dilemmas.

He is great though. I had a great time. At the end of the night T. showed up, girlfriend glued to his side with his electric guitar strapped to his back. We locked eyes, briefly.

It means nothing. I refuse to make a damn thing out of it! He lives with her. He loves her. I am independent, and this is good.
But T. obviously saw J. We all work together. And honestly, it's pretty fucked up of me to ALWAYS go after the hottest guy at work. It was T. before, but every one fucking knows that J. is way hotter than T., and he's hanging with me. Therefore I'm the work ho.

Fuck it all. I ain't no ho, yo.

But you don't give a shit about this. You are wondering how I am doing on my journey to thin. Well my answer is that I don't know how much I weigh, so I can't give you a number. Weighing is stupid. I'd rather go by how my clothes fit. That scale and the number chilling on it freak me out and I must stay far, far away.

I love how people love talking to me about diets, bloating, and the such. It's like, oh, there's a thin[ish] girl, let's make her uncomfortable by talking about bodies and food and fat and thin. Eff you bitches I do it my way, you should just start by saying no to second helpings.

I keep talking to myself, I am so out of it. I want to go do something to my hair, like highlights. I want to do it today, but something is holding me back. Maybe I don't want to spend the money? No, that's not it. I just don't want to leave my hair in the hands of an amateur.

I gotta go, I'm rambling and babbling but hanging with J. last night really gave me the chills. He is adorable but he's almost too gorgeous. I must find a flaw. No, maybe I musn't. Lmao I need coffee..



No comments: