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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Strange Magic

I sit here smoking at ten in the morning and I'm thinking about what I'd like to type. I went to class this morning and before heading home, I stopped at Starbucks and bought a spinach feta egg white wrap. I ate most of it, I tossed the last bit of it. I don't know how I feel about all this. Why did I buy that and WHY did I eat that? Was I hungry? I'll be honest with myself and say, yes, I was a little hungry. I skipped breakfast and sat through class drinking black coffee on an empty stomach. That could be the culprit, second only to my gluttony. Coffee on an empty stomach does not always feel good. Especially really early in the morning. I couldn't concentrate and was falling asleep. I think I should always eat a little something before. What a terrible conclusion to arrive at. I don't want to eat.

I am so tired of comparing my body to others all day. Sometimes I think I look ok, sometimes I look in the mirror, horrified, at my stomach. I can't believe I do stomach checks in the college bathrooms, but it's getting bad. I am possessed by this urge to reach true thinness. I need to do it so I can be proud of myself. Pride feels better than guilt.

I have been slacking hardcore on homework and reading since school started. I think I might need some meds to focus. Maybe I should cut back on the grass. Nah.

I am now listening to Jimi Hendrix, "Hey Joe" ... what a groove.

Alright well have a good day. I'm going to try. I'm also going to attempt a fast for the rest of the school day. I am hanging out with C. tomorrow, so I'd like to be my thinnest. I am so sick of this all. I just want to be done.

Drink water, tea, and black coffee if you want a drink. They are all zero cal, taste good, and won't contribute to your fatness. I never drink soda, iced teas, juice, cold coffee drinks, or milk. It's a very strict rule of mine. All that stuff makes you fat, even diet soda so stay away from that shit too. Artificial sugars are still sugars, calorie free or not. And sugar is bad.
I've been cutting out sweets as much as possible lately. My "reason" is so that I don't get diabetes. Another reason is obviously to be thinner.
I am about to cut out dairy completely. It does not agree with me. My stomach is not right when I indulge in dairy. That means no cheese, ice cream, pizza :) None of that crap will I eat. Or if I do, a very SMALL amount so my stomach remains ok. I know ditching the dairy will be good for me in the long run and great for me right now. I don't fucking need it so I'm avoiding it.

And yes, there was feta in my wrap. I guess I'm just a fat hypocrite, but I know it's not going to be easy. That's fine, because no one ever said it was easy. This country caters to the fatties, so there is dairy in everything. I'll start slow but will probably just end up pretending I'm lactose intolerant.

Nap time maybe. Take care, skinnies. Be thin.

"I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul" - Radiohead

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<3 Sar


Anonymous said...

black coffee on an empty stomach definitely does not sit well with me, either.

btw .. you are nothing short of gorgeous!! i'm kinda jealous x)

Anonymous said...

I love "Hey Joe," too. :) If you've never read Room Full of Mirrors, you should. It's the best Jimi bio out there.

And I have the same problem with diary; I'm also trying to cut it out. Good luck!

P.S.-- I'm quoting you in my next post; you should check it out. :)

Anonymous said...

hey im a new follower, i love your blog so much :)
and you sound so strong!!
oh im Bella by the way xD
Hi :)