I've been up for three hours. In this time, I: rearranged my apartment (again), did all the dishes, did one load of laundry, fed the cat, and (most importantly) did NOT feed me.
It is now just slightly after noon and I'm sitting here with my tea. Soon I will shower and get ready, and then go shopping! I need another pair of jeans desperately. I cannot believe I am STILL rebuilding my wardrobe, but where I live there are four distinct seasons, and I must have appropriate dress for each.
Oh, the fire. My nemesis. Or is it? It happened, and lately I have been trying to take a Christian perspective. I'll try to tell myself, "God would not give me anything I couldn't handle" or "What does not kill me makes me stronger". I don't know if these sayings are true, but when I think them and try to believe them, I feel a little better about it. Just a little though.
Usually when I think about it, my chest tightens up and it becomes hard to breathe. My breath comes in sobs and I feel as if tears are next. I feel scared and mad when I think about the fire that I did not start. I feel like I should sue her. I feel bad for her. I feel bad for me.
So what to do?
Starve, of course.
If I can't be happy, I'll at least be thin.
I have been eating a lot mixed with eating a little, and I know that I haven't gained. I haven't weighed myself in ages, but don't really want to. Honestly I don't think I'll buy a scale. I don't give a fuck what I weigh ... I just want to look and feel thin.
That makes more sense to me. I can't determine my worth by a number, but I can judge myself with my hands and by what I see in the mirror. Oh yes, it is much easier to trust the mirror and my hands running down my body feeling for bones.
I love, in the two seconds before I fall asleep, when my hand goes to rest on its bed: my hip bone. I am so comforted by this. How strange, and yet, how perfect. I'll take being comforted by my bones over being comforted by food any day.
This hot green tea is tasty and filling. It is organic and zero cal. I've been drinking it a lot! I have heard it helps with weight loss and think it really does!
Ok. So. Tonight I will be hanging with C. again. Apparently we are dating. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I love love love my independence, but I also kind of hate it. I am stuck between these two conflicting thoughts and it's driving me mad. I like him, I really do. I think about him when he's not around, I am touched by his kindness, I get excited when he texts me, and we're taking things nice and slow, which is good.
The worst part is that I still feel fat regardless of my "positivity" up there. ^
I do not want him to touch my fatness. What if he tries to pick me up? What if I have to eat in front of him? *shiver* I WILL NOT EAT FOOD IN FRONT OF HIM UNLESS WE FALL IN LOVE. There, that's that. Fuck food. I will ALWAYS have an excuse. I will FUCKING NOT EAT IN FRONT OF THIS HOT GUY.
Am I crazy? Omg I feel so crazy. I have such insane thoughts sometimes, I mean, I recognize that they're insane, so that means I am not insane right???
I am so busy and stressed with school and work. I have been planning to quit my job. I think I just need to do it. I'll have more time and less stress. I FEAR seeing T. now. He hates me and I despise him. I can't risk working with his punk ass ever again. I can't risk talking to him or looking into his damned eyes. I really do hate him and fear him. My attraction to him has lessened, but i'm clearly not over him if "I hate him". I need to just forget him and appreciate the time we had for what it was: nada.
Easier said than done but I promise YOU that I have been trying. Having C. as a distraction helps. Being so busy and living such a chaotic, dramatic life helps.
So I guess I'll end it here. My counseling appointment was CANCELED on Friday ... I felt so let down :(
I need to talk talk talk it out but this is the best I can do, for now. It doesn't help matters that I'm pmsing but what can I do? I won't make the mistake of turning to food, I just WON'T. So you shouldn't either.
I know that whatever is bothering us will NOT be fixed by evil food. What will help is RESTRICTION AND MODERATION. Take that however you want it, I'm done censoring myself.