J. is super sexy and tall. We unfortunately work together. What is with me? I need to NOT pick up guys at work. It's not my fault though, I'm just my self at work and they are drawn to it, sometimes, not always. I swear I'm not a conceited bitch.
But J... damn. He is the sexiest guy I've ever seen, no lie. He is built like a god and he's really nice! There's a catch, of course ... he's a year and two months younger than me. That's a problem. I don't like younger guys. I like older guys. I've dated younger guys before, but I vowed to stop.
And the other J. is also a tall hottie. We met extremely randomly but get along.
C. is a sweetie who writes me long emails. He is attractive but not mind blowingly so.
I am sick of it though. I really am. I don't want to be so distracted by boys every minute but if they're not there I'm not happy. I like it and I hate it. Same with this e.d. I like it and don't wish to give it up, at the same time I despise myself for being so idiotic around food, and for making up food rules, and for purging expensive food; I despise having two sides to this story. I despise being a victim to circumstance and human nature. I wish I was invincible. I wish I was completely independent and glorious. I feel like I am out of control. I am smoking more and more and more and more and more oh and I'm smoking right now. I have missed a few classes but school has been going on for a month so I don't feel too bad I suppose.
I worry that I'm leading all of these boys on. I fear that I'll never let go of this e.d. because there is no love when I love punishing myself. No man should have to deal with that, deal with me..
So I won't allow it. I can't dedicate myself to this and that. I do not wish to become fatter, and that's what will happen when I stop caring. I care about getting thin. It's something that matters to me. That's significant, because lately nothing matters.
I've ate today. I'm at about 1300 calories, but it's night, and I'm going to bed. I hate myself sometimes. I feel like I started this post off happily and slowly fell down the slope. I let my brain chill for a minute, I let it take a step back and point accusingly in my direction and say, "See, you freak? It's too much, slow it up before you crash."
Do I listen? Hahahaha
I am so out of it.
In one of my classes this semester there are maybe 7 girls in the class. Every girl is thin. There are three that are thinner than me for certain. Two of them are short and thin, so they are just tiny people which I cannot relate to. The other is tall, like me. She's thinner. It's on, bitch.
Think thin ...
They hate each other.