Monday, November 9, 2009
This weekend was good but bad. I chilled with T. I just realized that him and I were together 5 days in a row. Last night we went to the beach and watched the sunset. Cheesy, I know, but it was so sweet and serene. We can talk. He makes me laugh. Where did this even come from??
Out of nowhere!
I was just me, and now I am me, but there is a boy.
This blog is not about him.
Ahem. On Saturday I broke down and ate like a pig. I was so damn hungry! Sadly, I indulged in fast food : ( I am embarrassed to type this, but getting the truth on the table is helpful. I went to Dunkin Donuts and ate an eggwhite veggie flatbread. hash browns. vanilla coolatta...wtf?!?! Then I went to the dollar store and bought triscuits and cookies. again. wTf? Then, I went to Taco Bell and got 1 fresco bean burrito!!! Holy shit fatass. It was all good at the time, sure. I was on this weird autopilot. I was craving carbs like whoa...
I didn't eat for the rest of the night. Thankgod. Yesterday I ate decently. Today I will eat next to nothing. Tomorrow, maybe nothing.
Hatehatehate when I am doing good and restricting but then fuck it up with nasty shit because I am so hungry I can't think. It is money I should NOT be spending on food. If I never ate my wardrobe would be amazing.
It is so early in the morning and yet I am wide awake. I barely slept last night. I want to get high so bad. But I have none. I am supposed to go to class in a little over an hour. I don't want to. I probably should though, considering we have a test on Wednesday.
I just want to be thinner. So. So. Bad. I hate my fat self. I hate hiding behind baggy clothes because I am too ashamed to flaunt my body. Sure, if I really wanted to, I could, and I bet no one would point and stare. Or call me fat (to my face).
I am just not brave enough! I am scared to death to have T. see my naked body. I feel like soon enough, he will. When did this all get so hard? I literally have to fake confidence at times, just to appear normal. Because if I don't, I am so wrapped up in my head, and then beating myself up, looking down on myself from above, hating what I see. This goes on and on and on until I realize I am being too quiet and socially awkward. So I fake it. It works (sometimes).
Sorry this post kind of sucks. There is a lot on my mind, and this blog is supposed to be my outlet, but it seems like there is too much to fill in/explain/type and I really just don't fucking feel like it.
Finding thinspo is strangely addicting, wow.