I ignored Halloween candy and treats. I barely ate over the weekend. I was doing good, being strong, not obsessing about food, liking the way I looked.
But then Today happened. I have had a bad day. I slept through my class. I was ignored by R. (remember him? dick!).. he even told my friend standing with me that her hair is hot. Um hi? What about me? We fucked dude apparently that means nothing, nothing, NOTHING. So I don't give a flying fuck. I hate him. I hate life. I hate myself. I hate my situation. I hate my goddamn bread cravings.
All I ate until *the binge* was fruit and yogurt. I really should have just went to bed, or something. But I went to the store and bought food. Most of it is healthy if ate in moderation!!! But can I be moderate? Hell no! I want/need/crave/will do anything for food when I feel like this. When I feel this bummed there is nothing that will make it better, not even weed. When I smoke, I get sort of high, then I remember who I am and I go back down. Then I want more so I smoke more. Then I get the munchies. Then I eat. Terrible process because all the smoking and eating DOESN'T MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY.
I ate: Amy's frozen dinner (270 cal). WHOLE WHEAT BAGUETTE (675 cal). 2 laughing cow cheese wedges (30 cal each). Hummus & baby carrots (500 cal).
WHAT A FAT ASS.
Oh wait. I do. Ok sure, I'm full now. Stuffed to the brim. If I eat NOTHING until tomorrow at noon I will be ok.
Halloween was awesome. I looked good! My friends looked good! I drank a lot and hung with T. but still nothing. No kiss, no hug...just shyness and apprehension!
I hope you all are wonderful. Thanks for posting, it is nice to know I am not completely alone with these crazy thoughts.
I hate them. I hate me.
Make it all go away.
Cut cut cutcutcutcut
Bl e e d.
ps. Still no purging. Flushed inspired me to stop. I can't and won't go back there. Too gruesome..too time consuming. Hope you are staying strong, girl.