well hello

well hello

Friday, November 6, 2009

I can't be saved.

Some of you lovely readers have asked about T.
The truth is I don't know. We hang out a lot. We talk a lot. He has incredible taste in music and is Greek. As in, a Greek God look-alike. Sort of. I don't know what I see, or who I see, when I look at him.
I met him 3 weeks ago. At work. We work together. . . He is a year older than me. I think he likes me more than a friend at this point. He tried to kiss me last night. I was wasted though. So was he. We were just standing in the hall outside of my apartment talking, and I flung my arms around him for our first hug. (wow do I sound like an 8th grader or what?) He kinda locked his arms around me for a quick second as I pulled away from the hug, as if to hold me closer for a smooch ; )

I pulled away/jerked away/ran away/put distance between us as fast as possible.

I avoided his eyes, said "bye!" and walked inside without looking back.

Now I regret it.

I don't know. There is definitely chemistry between us. There is something. We are too kind to each other. People are noticing. I can't do this though.
Every. Single. Guy. I have been with has been a totally crazy asshole, at one point or the other. Not even kidding, wish I was. I have had luck in that I have had several boyfriends. But the "love" wasn't real. I cried far too much, in all of them, every day, crying, trying, fighting. Sinking down into this depression that currently owns me did not happen overnight.
I like him. But my version of "like" is different..I can tolerate being around him, is what it really means. I can't tolerate most folks. Sorry if that sounds, well, bitchy/self-centered/closed-minded. The truth is I have just been pushed to the fucking limits...and have little to no patience with people over the age of 8.

I talked to my mom for the first time in awhile. That might explain the negativity lying behind these words, the hurt that is streaming through my blood, poisoning my heart and making it cold and useless.

The test I thought I did good on? D.
Fuck my life. Fuck school.

I want YOU to know that your comments mean so damn much. It is a wonderful comfort, knowing that there are other people on this planet we all share, that can relate, who can send me kind words via the internet. I want you all to be ok. I want to be ok. Let's solve world peace : )

Time to stop. I really can't think. I have been thinking about T. all damn day. We really connected last night, and the night before, emotionally and mentally. Just not physically, what the fuck? Oh wait. I don't want to get close. I am not ready.

I am self-sabotaging...I get high off fucking up, I think.
Ugh, I am sounding so EMO at this point, time to stop. juststop.

I have been restricting.
I like what I am seeing!

Please, don't get me wrong, I EAT. My biggest fear concerning this blog, is that younger girls (teenage) will stop eating when it is basically crucial that they don't.

I am an adult. I am 23 years old. I am done growing, so is my brain. I can make these choices without fucking up my hormones and shizz.. I am sorry. Again. I don't know what I am talking about. Just please don't go nuts.

I am holding on to the wall, the undulating floor beneath me threatens my balance. I am feeling dizzy, and lighter. I won't be fat anymore.

Gotta go.

Think thin.

1 comment:

Stick Thin said...

I'm sorry about the feelings toward T. Have you talked to him since? Are things awkward now? Just keep taking things slow but it seems that he is a good company for you and helps ou in your sea of craziness. I agree with you about teenage girls totally restricting, and especially restricting when you're in school. the brain needs the feul