Just like starting over.

I have not posted in awhile. I have been incredibly busy. I have been reading your blogs, though. Isn't it funny how I have no problem lurking behind the scenes, reading SO many different blogs that I just get lost in a tangled web of lives therefore neglecting MY blog? I suppose it is because my life is not exceptionally interesting. I do what I can to liven shit up. I break the rules sometimes. I curse like a sailor and blush like a virgin around a suggestive stare. I am a study of contrasts. A hypocrite, a lover.

I am in a weird mood. T. was here late, again, lol, cue me blushing. He is great, amazing, I don't know a word for him, he is just T. He is sexy as fuck. It is basically up to me whether or not we "get official"/start a relationship...he wants it. I sort of want it. We were very open tonight. I can't explain why I don't know for sure about being a couple- I do know this, though. I am extremely insecure. It is debilitating to say the least. Tonight I was talking down about myself a little to him. He said I don't give myself enough credit. I do not know what that means. Credit for what? I am just me...whoever that is.

OH! I got an I-touch Ipod, and downloaded the free app Lose it!!!! I have it set so I lose two pounds a week!!! I love it so far, I am addicted to the calculations, the inspiration. I am reduced to the number of calories I eat. I am allowed 1,061 calories per day. I am trying like hell here, I need to shed some poundage FAST!!!! So yeah, I totally recommend this app if you have an I-phone or I-touch. I just know it's going to work!!!

Think thinner, lovelies.

xo

Happy? Thanksgiving...

Yesterday. All my troubles seemed so far away.
Yesterday, I binged on fresh whole wheat bread.

WAKE UP!?! Bread is bad. Carbs are bad. Today I am FAT. Perfect.

There goes any hope for enjoying food today. So I am fasting. Fuck it. No food, nothing, SERIOUSLY NOTHING until later on when I sit down at dinner. Salad first, a big one, NO EXCEPTIONS. No dressing. My mom has salsa in the fridge I'm sure, so I will use a teaspoon of that to liven things up.
No dinner roll. NO butter on mashed potatoes. Luckily I use my vegetarianism as an excuse to skip turkey, gravy, & stuffing. 1 slice of pumpkin pie with no whipped cream.

These are my rules for today. Small but worthwhile rules I can embrace.

I am so out of control. I guess I was just missing T. last night. I went to the store (to buy cat litter!!) and left with the bread ... dumb.

Come on, Sar. Where did your wonderful will power go?
It is on its way back. I will not fail. Today will be a success, in my terms.

Ughhhhh I am so bloated : (
Whyy did I even go there? What happened? I don't get it. It didn't even SINK IN until I woke up and checked the mirror, as usual. Ohgod. Help.

The only way I can make this positive is by SUCCEEDING today. I HAVE to. I HAVE to use this fuck up as fuel to my fire.

Hope you all enjoy the holiday. Xo

STAY STRONG!!!!!!!!

*Think Thin*

Can I?

Ready?
4 veggie egg rolls and an entire BOX of Triscuits. 1 wedge of 'Laughing cow' light swiss cheese. 1/2 of a muffin.
(Yesterday's intake)

That is so much. Luckily I've slept most of the day away. It is 5 in the evening and all I have ate is a larabar. I am drinking water out of one of the new cups I bought yesterdays. Cups, exciting/NOT. But they are big; they hold more water! Oh the little things...

I feel so fucking fat. Gawdddd.
Oh! And I just remembered! Last night I was hanging with T. at his friend's place and he got up to get cookies (for himself! or so I thought) and walked over and like got in my face and just HANDED it to me. Eat a cookie. Uh no. What the fuck. Don't feed me. Especially in front of people. Not cool, man.
But I ate it. So add that to the list.

I am high right now. T. wants to "spend the day together" but seeing as how we both slept in super late, I bet he means the night. As in, spend the night together/sleeping together/having sex? Being completely naked? I mean, he has seen me nude from the belly button up and I didn't feel horribly fat at that time. But today I just feel gross. Brb I am going to go check in the mirror-

:sigh: Just as I expected. Total tummy bloat from all the damn sodium in those PROCESSED CARBOHYDRATE-FILLED WHEAT STUPID CRACKERS. Wow, what was I thinking? I went to the store to get vitamins, for God's sake, and I ended up buying "dinner"?? Not even healthy. I should of got a fucking salad.

What is wrong with me? I was doing so good! Things with T. are good! I just want to look good!!!!!!!

I am frustrated. T. wants to see me and all I want to do is HIDE!!!!! I mean, we have hung out so much- what is a night apart? I admit- I do want to see him, I really like being around him. But at what cost? I have been incredibly open with him lately. I need a breather. It is draining sometimes, being around people 24/7. I crave alone time.

He is leaving for his hometown tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I am going to leave Thursday. We are not spending it together. It would make sense too, but I am definitely glad. I am unsure if he is ready to celebrate a total ANTI-vegetarian holiday with me, watching me pick at my plate, me watching him devour the disgusting dead cooked flesh & fat that turkey is!

Anyway.

Yesterday's intake was BAD. But the day before that was good. If I am good today (wait not IF. I WILL be) than maybe all those calories will simply be a metabolism booster!

Ta ta for now, insightful readers. If you have any ideas about obtaining body confidence I would love to hear them.

<3

Think thin!!!

blurry.

She looks awesome right?
I had a website up before, but I am editing that post as we speak, darlings, because I worry it may have offended.

Just hope everyone is doing well. I cannot honestly complain at the moment. I have plans tonight with T. I am feeling thinner than I have felt in awhile (but nowhere near thin, not even close to what I was before). I am smoking my last bowl. I feel sorta peaceful I guess. Just ready to get control. ToTaL control! I don't even feel hunger. I feel sick at the thought of eating, because I have ate some gross shyt, ie. fried anything, SUGAR. BREAD. Imagine how that looks all chewed up and covered in neon yellow stomach acid. Nasty, right? SO why the eff would a normal person even bother with that whole process. It's gotta be bad for you.

^I am officially losing it.

but you know what? any tactic that will keep me away from food I will embrace. because:

I will be thinner than I am today. I will never stop restricting. This is who I am.

<3 <3

Ana's getting to me.

What a week. T. & I. Wow. WOw.!!! ohgod, our hooking up reaches a new level every time. My body feels numb. We were together for 8 hours this evening. 8 fucking hours. He is super sexy and he turns me on...we haven't had sex though. Not even close, really. But it's like, something to look forward to.

I can wait. I am still having CRAZY body issues. I look at myself and see fat. fat. fat. flab. flab. fat.

Ok, that is out of my system. Now a more realistic point of view: I have been restricting and it shows. I have still been eating. Not as many carbs, way less sugar..etc. I have no idea what I weigh and it is driving me nuts. Is there somewhere I can just go and weigh myself, preferably confidentially? A gym, perhaps. Lol, I wouldn't know -I never work out. I do live on the 4th floor, and get quite a bit of stair climbing in, especially during laundry. I park far away, so I can walk a few extra steps.

That is it, really. I stretch a lot. I suck in my stomach constantly, I think that tightens it? Maybe.

My thoughts are all over the place. I just want to be thinner and sexier. Tonight T. & I were laying topless in his bed, just kissing and hugging, and it was wonderful because he would grab my waist with the crook of his arm, like in his elbow, and kind of pull me closer to him. I think he liked my (do I dare say) small frame next to his larger one. Ohgod. He is so hott. My point is, guys like to feel bones. I believe it to be true, anyways. Sure they love curves too, but every single experience I've had with guys tells me they like skinny chics.

Fiona Apple - "Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love."

I relate! to that^

When in doubt just lose a few pounds.

My motto.

Think thin.

Stay STRONG! against evil, fattening food.

<3 to you all.

Leapin' Leonids!

T. and I are about to watch the Leonids Meteor Shower. On the beach. It is 5 minutes to midnight. I am excited -but- I really should be staying in to work on homework due at 9:30 in the morning. Well, I have to pick and choose the details of my day. I took a 3 hour nap this evening, in preparation of tonight. I just hope hope HOPE we actually see some shooting stars.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Today's food intake (it's bad): kashi granola bar. sandwich flat with peanut butter (only one, thank goodness). cherries. 410 calories of CHIPS. 300 calories of DIP. 200 calories of PRETZELS! <--my dinner. Chips and dip. fuckin' nasty!!

And that is it. Today would have been great if I didn't freak out on the munchin' of the chip dip chip chippiness!

Right now I am sipping a delicious black coffee. No food since the chips, none tonight. None tomorrow. I can do it.

Love to you ALL!!!
Peace/
Think Thin!!!

To write Love on her arms.

This is my arm. I wrote "love" on it in pen to show support to anyone who has ever cut. I have cut. Not a lot, not recently: I did it when I was in high school because I was so damn depressed (wow this has been going on for awhile). What a feeling, to look down at scratches and scars and feel .. pride? shame? .. devotion?

Devotion to the self.

We could all try to NOT say hateful things about ourselves. I just learned of this kind idea, ten minutes ago, through a blog!
I'm lovin' how much can be learned today. I had a great day. No sleep last night, got up severely early and had a shitload of nervous energy, which I still have. T. & I spent the day in a city 30 min. away. We walked (bonus workout!!) up and down streets, going nowhere, just having fucking adventures. I spray painted a fucking peace sign. Holy fuck I'm going to jail./hell. hopefully not but... anyways. Yeah. We also just entered this old, abandoned building, and crept around. (And kissed). I got scared, I kept expecting to see a ghost or a corpse or something freaky. We were trespassing completely lol. We are badasses together.

It was a weird/awesome/crazy day. It ended with dinner. I did so good; I avoided the bread & butter completely. I ate half of my (surprisingly small) portion of pesto cheese ravioli and covered the rest with my napkin. I also ordered a salad (no cheese) and ate a little more than half. Maybe a table spoon of balsamic vinagrette on top. Water to drink.

[[ and you know what? it was easy to resist that nasty food. ]]

More later. Him and I are meeting back up in an hour to drink/party at this house where bands will be playing.. I am excited. I am wearing purple lace tights and a black & white dress, with tall black boots..oh yeah, feeling flyy. He said I have sexy legs ; )

He is a good kisser. Oh and it feels so good to kiss. It has been so long since I had a real, romantic kiss. So, so long.

It is so good that it hurts. That chest pain is coming back. My heart is getting a workout. I am trying to not be so detached today. I am trying to live in the moment. I looked at T. earlier and tried to see him. I tried to see myself through his eyes. I couldn't. At this point I am only relying on my emotional clues and intuition.

A quick point: besides the food at the restaurant all I ate today was about 50 calories of microwaved egg beaters. Gotta love www.Hungrygirl.com

Love you all!
-Peace-

Think thin.

Oh man.

Above all else I am a creative, non-fiction writer.

Never forget that.

I am on cloud 9. I am so high off the air. I feel good. I feel happy.

It's T.

Gawdd I was so confused earlier. But luckily we made out tonight. Omg.

I am drunk, I'm sorry, this post is silly.
But the post earlier was rough. I was feeling real down. Now I feel UP.

LoL. I am giggling, people.

THINK THIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Always remember: nothing tastes as good as thin feels...

nothing.

xoxo

SaD.

I lied. Lie lying liar. Lying lies/lying eyes/fat thighs/no fries/hateHATEhate.

I don't know where I am. I am in a freakin' bubble. I hate this life so much right now, rage is ravenous in me, my heart is aching, like I can actually feel pain real pain in my heart. Poor, beating, blood-thirsty zombie of a heart. Die.

Or don't. I could try facing life. I could try being fucking proactive for once. Oh wait, that's right, when I have no marijuana I am proactive about obtaining some, what an ambitious winner I am, what a jolly holiday. What a world. What a life. What the fuck.

This person. Me. . . <-- who?? no! never!

This person is a big, fat, faker.

I don't even know who I like. Half of me thinks that I am using T. to fill some sort of void. God, I hope I am not doing that..how could I not know? I should know what is going on inside of me...I should know what to fucking do.

Problem/scary thing? I smoke up and forget.

I hate myself right now, outside and inside. I wish for nothing. I deserve nothing.

Pretty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This weekend was good but bad. I chilled with T. I just realized that him and I were together 5 days in a row. Last night we went to the beach and watched the sunset. Cheesy, I know, but it was so sweet and serene. We can talk. He makes me laugh. Where did this even come from??

Out of nowhere!

I was just me, and now I am me, but there is a boy.
This blog is not about him.

Ahem. On Saturday I broke down and ate like a pig. I was so damn hungry! Sadly, I indulged in fast food : ( I am embarrassed to type this, but getting the truth on the table is helpful. I went to Dunkin Donuts and ate an eggwhite veggie flatbread. hash browns. vanilla coolatta...wtf?!?! Then I went to the dollar store and bought triscuits and cookies. again. wTf? Then, I went to Taco Bell and got 1 fresco bean burrito!!! Holy shit fatass. It was all good at the time, sure. I was on this weird autopilot. I was craving carbs like whoa...

I didn't eat for the rest of the night. Thankgod. Yesterday I ate decently. Today I will eat next to nothing. Tomorrow, maybe nothing.

Hatehatehate when I am doing good and restricting but then fuck it up with nasty shit because I am so hungry I can't think. It is money I should NOT be spending on food. If I never ate my wardrobe would be amazing.

It is so early in the morning and yet I am wide awake. I barely slept last night. I want to get high so bad. But I have none. I am supposed to go to class in a little over an hour. I don't want to. I probably should though, considering we have a test on Wednesday.

I just want to be thinner. So. So. Bad. I hate my fat self. I hate hiding behind baggy clothes because I am too ashamed to flaunt my body. Sure, if I really wanted to, I could, and I bet no one would point and stare. Or call me fat (to my face).
I am just not brave enough! I am scared to death to have T. see my naked body. I feel like soon enough, he will. When did this all get so hard? I literally have to fake confidence at times, just to appear normal. Because if I don't, I am so wrapped up in my head, and then beating myself up, looking down on myself from above, hating what I see. This goes on and on and on until I realize I am being too quiet and socially awkward. So I fake it. It works (sometimes).

Sorry this post kind of sucks. There is a lot on my mind, and this blog is supposed to be my outlet, but it seems like there is too much to fill in/explain/type and I really just don't fucking feel like it.

Think thin.

Finding thinspo is strangely addicting, wow.
<3

I can't be saved.

Some of you lovely readers have asked about T.
The truth is I don't know. We hang out a lot. We talk a lot. He has incredible taste in music and is Greek. As in, a Greek God look-alike. Sort of. I don't know what I see, or who I see, when I look at him.
I met him 3 weeks ago. At work. We work together. . . He is a year older than me. I think he likes me more than a friend at this point. He tried to kiss me last night. I was wasted though. So was he. We were just standing in the hall outside of my apartment talking, and I flung my arms around him for our first hug. (wow do I sound like an 8th grader or what?) He kinda locked his arms around me for a quick second as I pulled away from the hug, as if to hold me closer for a smooch ; )

I pulled away/jerked away/ran away/put distance between us as fast as possible.

I avoided his eyes, said "bye!" and walked inside without looking back.

Now I regret it.

I don't know. There is definitely chemistry between us. There is something. We are too kind to each other. People are noticing. I can't do this though.
Every. Single. Guy. I have been with has been a totally crazy asshole, at one point or the other. Not even kidding, wish I was. I have had luck in that I have had several boyfriends. But the "love" wasn't real. I cried far too much, in all of them, every day, crying, trying, fighting. Sinking down into this depression that currently owns me did not happen overnight.
I like him. But my version of "like" is different..I can tolerate being around him, is what it really means. I can't tolerate most folks. Sorry if that sounds, well, bitchy/self-centered/closed-minded. The truth is I have just been pushed to the fucking limits...and have little to no patience with people over the age of 8.

I talked to my mom for the first time in awhile. That might explain the negativity lying behind these words, the hurt that is streaming through my blood, poisoning my heart and making it cold and useless.

The test I thought I did good on? D.
Fuck my life. Fuck school.

I want YOU to know that your comments mean so damn much. It is a wonderful comfort, knowing that there are other people on this planet we all share, that can relate, who can send me kind words via the internet. I want you all to be ok. I want to be ok. Let's solve world peace : )

Time to stop. I really can't think. I have been thinking about T. all damn day. We really connected last night, and the night before, emotionally and mentally. Just not physically, what the fuck? Oh wait. I don't want to get close. I am not ready.

I am self-sabotaging...I get high off fucking up, I think.
Ugh, I am sounding so EMO at this point, time to stop. juststop.

I have been restricting.
I like what I am seeing!

Please, don't get me wrong, I EAT. My biggest fear concerning this blog, is that younger girls (teenage) will stop eating when it is basically crucial that they don't.

I am an adult. I am 23 years old. I am done growing, so is my brain. I can make these choices without fucking up my hormones and shizz.. I am sorry. Again. I don't know what I am talking about. Just please don't go nuts.

I am holding on to the wall, the undulating floor beneath me threatens my balance. I am feeling dizzy, and lighter. I won't be fat anymore.

Gotta go.

Think thin.
**************

Laughter.

I am hungry but I am choosing not to eat. What power, what pleasure.

And so it goes...

I studied with T. tonight. I told him about this blog...I said he would never be able to find it. I didn't say anything concerning subject matter. Just casually mentioned that I had 15 followers(!!!!) on my online blog. Haha it's fun, because I truly don't believe he would ever be able to discover this. Wow, terrible of me to dangle this juicy secret over his waiting lips.

Yeah, so I like him. We were together for like 5 hours tonight. Just reading and writing and laughing and talking. And a little flirting. No physical touch. None! When we do, if, it will be e l e c t r i c !!!
I can wait. I need to keep losing. I do not want him to touch my fat self. I want him to touch my thin self. I want him to feel bone and I want him to know it's because I am trying.

I am struggling this semester...my grades are going to SUCK. Luckily I don't care about grades. Well...I do and I don't. I care more about knowledge retained. Almost done, almost done. Keep on truckin'. TRY!!! Stay Strong and Sexy. I love S-words. I love life right now. I am high off T. He is incredibly sweet and funny! He comes from a semi-normal family!

I recognize that different qualities in men mean different things. I don't care as much about looks these days. I stare past skin into souls. I see something refreshing in this guy.

And yet I still need to keep a distance. It is imperative that I do not rush into anything, and that includes feelings. I do not want to need.

No need.
~~~~~~
Have I mentioned that I adore every single person that reads this?
I know my words are a little crazy at times..but isn't life??


Peace/Love/Think thin.

<3

Wings.

Today was another fail. Not necessarily because of food, but because of me and how I act. I act like a punk who hates authority and doesn't give a shit. I don't seem to care that I am paying thousands of dollars for college...I don't seem to care about much.
Let's see. I care about my cat. I care that he doesn't die/starve.
God, I can't even go on with this. I feel sick inside. I just looked down at my sleeping cat next to me and felt so alone. Isn't that weird? At least I have some company now. I lived ALL alone from January to the end of August. Now this cat is my friend.
But I want a lover.
I do.

I stopped at T.'s randomly tonight. We text all the time, it is almost weird; we have been doing it since we met. Every day, all day, text, text, chit-chat, shoot the shit, whatever. We do it. I like it. I don't want to count on it. I don't want to need it. I don't want to need him. But him wanting/needing me might be okay. Wow listen to me, pathetic, to be needed by someone.
I don't. I just want a hug. I want a kiss. I want to hold a hand. A Connection. Electric. Chemistry. Touch/feel. Love/hate.

dream, Sar. don't give up.

I already have. I am trying to push him away by acting weird. I do this when I am scared.

he might like it.

He might not. He might hate it.

help.

me.

please.

T.


Why do I want to be saved?


What is the limit of my self-destruction?


I want answers. I am too afraid to get them. I am too afraid to be vulnerable.







Think thin./. Stay strong.

.peace.

Monday fail.

I ignored Halloween candy and treats. I barely ate over the weekend. I was doing good, being strong, not obsessing about food, liking the way I looked.

But then Today happened. I have had a bad day. I slept through my class. I was ignored by R. (remember him? dick!).. he even told my friend standing with me that her hair is hot. Um hi? What about me? We fucked dude apparently that means nothing, nothing, NOTHING. So I don't give a flying fuck. I hate him. I hate life. I hate myself. I hate my situation. I hate my goddamn bread cravings.

All I ate until *the binge* was fruit and yogurt. I really should have just went to bed, or something. But I went to the store and bought food. Most of it is healthy if ate in moderation!!! But can I be moderate? Hell no! I want/need/crave/will do anything for food when I feel like this. When I feel this bummed there is nothing that will make it better, not even weed. When I smoke, I get sort of high, then I remember who I am and I go back down. Then I want more so I smoke more. Then I get the munchies. Then I eat. Terrible process because all the smoking and eating DOESN'T MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY.

I ate: Amy's frozen dinner (270 cal). WHOLE WHEAT BAGUETTE (675 cal). 2 laughing cow cheese wedges (30 cal each). Hummus & baby carrots (500 cal).

WHAT A FAT ASS.
omg.
I
hate
me

Why
can't
I
hate
food
?

Oh wait. I do. Ok sure, I'm full now. Stuffed to the brim. If I eat NOTHING until tomorrow at noon I will be ok.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Halloween was awesome. I looked good! My friends looked good! I drank a lot and hung with T. but still nothing. No kiss, no hug...just shyness and apprehension!

I hope you all are wonderful. Thanks for posting, it is nice to know I am not completely alone with these crazy thoughts.

I hate them. I hate me.
Make it all go away.

Cut cut cutcutcutcut

Bl e e d.

Bye.



ps. Still no purging. Flushed inspired me to stop. I can't and won't go back there. Too gruesome..too time consuming. Hope you are staying strong, girl.