Expressing of the Self

I'm so mad. I went on two interviews last week for this job I applied for. I was supposed to have the final one today (damn 3-step interview process) but decided last night that I didn't want to (wahhh) and so when my alarm went off at 8:41 AM, I shut it off, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

Only to wake to my Mom yelling, "Sarah! Aren't you going?". In a sleepy daze I said "yup", got up, called, and canceled. It's called Self-Destruction, Mom. Don't care what you think so shut the phuck up.

I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate my body. I hate my family. I hate this weather. I hate this state. I hate myself and all of my choices and my experiences and I hate my addictions and my flaws and my weaknesses and my dependencies. I hate me. I hate Sar.

Also, my Dad does something that DRIVES. ME. CRAZY!!!!! We are lucky enough to have a recycling truck come through once a week, and I try to collect recyclables. I try to convince my Mom and brother to do it too. And so we do. And it sits in the blue box until Monday morning when my lazy, ignorant father takes the fucking box and dumps it in the garbage. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT!?

God, I'm in a terrible fucking mood. I want to cut myself. I want to punch myself in the head. I want to jump out of a high window. I want to jump out of a speeding car. I want to feel pain. I can't even pluck my eyebrows (my go-to method for eliminating internal anguish) because I am growing my brows out a little.
 DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yup. I'm still jobless and this bad economy has sucked the life out of my town and the surrounding areas. I've been blowing through my savings like whoa. I got black-out drunk all weekend. I puked both days. I binged last week. Today I've ate some homemade sour cream dip with unsalted pretzels and I've been chugging coffee.

I still hate myself, but it feels a little better to vent this fucking rage on to these keys for your reading pleasure. Anyone have an job ideas?? Where are the jobs at?? Help, please!?

THINK THIN TODAY!!!!!!!

xO

-Sar-

((the coldest witch you "know"))

be thin

Solo drinking

I'm drinking some White Zinfandel out of the bottle. It's after midnight and today was like yesterday. Kind of lame. I was going to start a hook up situation with my ex but changed my mind today when we talked on the phone for the tenth time in two days. I was just sick of all the talking. If we were going to do it we should not make small talk every day because the more you talk the more you know and the more I know the more I like. I don't want to like anyone.

I'm been feeling pretty down on myself lately. Not having a job, the pressure I put on myself but choose not to act on, the pressure from my family, just everything lately has been pulling me down to the ground. I'm sinking in the dirt and not eating and then eating and tonight I'm hating myself for eating some food earlier today, WAY earlier.

I never eat on a regular schedule. I'm calling it "intuitive eating": eating when I feel hungry. Sometimes. Other times, well...you know how it goes.

Everyday I stare in the mirror like a freak. I stare and turn around and suck in and turn back around and clench my buttocks and sometimes I ever take my thigh fat and pull it back, so I can see how I'll look when I starve the fat away.

Eventually.

I watched "Glee" on television tonight...it's a cute show. It makes me smile and I genuinely enjoy the music. Tv is a good source of thinspiration. I can turn on any commercial, any show, or any infomercial and see a thin woman or man speaking back at me, selling me something. Ha. Oh America.

I've been a grump the past few days. Now that I think of it, I was just feeling incredible body anxiety at the idea of getting naked with my ex. The past couple of days (we talked about it for the first time on Saturday) I have been pissed off and eating erratically and just acting foolishly bitchy. Because I feel bad about my body. Because I hate the way I look. Because I'm scared to show anyone my nakedness. How sad.

And so I called it off and now that worry is fading.

I hate myself too much to get naked with a boy who doesn't love me because I fear his judgment and seek his approval. What a nasty, terrible combination of thoughts; I'm out of sorts. I honestly have no idea if I'm fat or thin. I feel so goddamn fat but sometimes I look down at my thighs and think they're shrinking and everyday I see my ribs and hips and collar bones but it doesn't feel satisfying. I feel gross. I feel fat. Since I feel fat, I look fat. I just know it.

Ok, I need to chug this wine and pass out or something before I start describing the way my whole body tenses up when I write about my fatness and self loathing or the way my mouth is chewing itself, side before side, until my jaw aches, forcing me to stop, and I take a drink of water only to feel my teeth get even more sensitive and translucent and painful. The pain doesn't just live in my head and body, it cuts to my bones and through my soul. I hope my soul isn't corroded, I hope my bones aren't turning to dust.

...

Love and Peace to you all <3

Think thin*


*xo

Family Dynamics

Today was Grandma's "service". RIP. Since I've made it a habit to study those around me with the scrutinizing gaze I use on myself, I started contemplating my "role" in the family. What do I bring forth? After the church service, we gathered at my Aunt's to eat. That was our purpose. Also to talk. Which you know I'm just thrilled about, the questions about school, is it over? about my job, where are you working? oh you're not employed? take the civil service exam!

Gag~

Where was I? Ok so long story short, I walk into the room and everyone takes notice. I am the "young" single attractive college grad. And as much as I detest being at the center of attention, I also adore it. The spotlight shows my good side and my thinness is obviously contributing. It's a bittersweet feeling. I can take all eyes on me on a good day. Today, I fasted until the meeting-up-to-eat situation, so showing off my body in the clingy navy blue shirt and black sexy trousers felt alright. My clothes were loose on me the entire time, so that's just awesome.

It feels great to cheerfully eat in front of everyone when you know you're the thinnest in the room. Envious sidelong glances aplenty. I was too busy chanting in my head, it's ok! it's ok! eating is ok right here and now! to notice. Talking to myself helped me plow through: some fruit; some celery with the smallest amount of ranch dip; 1 roll with a slice of provolone, a slice of lettuce, a slice of tomato, and 2 pickle circles; 2 small cookies; 1 "cheesecake mini cookie" type deal. Also, some black coffee and a water bottle.

No soda for me. No fatty lunchmeat or macaroni salad. No cake, for God's sake. Boo please. Who eats that shit? It's 2011. Get real.

So my mood seems to have taken a turn for the worse while I was describing what I ate today. No wonder, I pigged the fuck out.

Alright. Be easy, yo's! Think thin =)

Mad women dressed in black: death-inspired thinspiration

~Think thin~

A reminder

5:57 p.m.

My mom just called. My grandma is dead. I didn't expect to feel such pain inside. I'm sort of still in shock but there is a jagged edge tearing apart my lungs. My face is scrunched up with a sob; I sigh. I am sad. It wasn't a sudden shock, luckily. We knew it was coming. It just sucks to have to wait for someone to die. The waiting is now over. It's over, she's gone.

I just took a minute to let some toxic tears out of my eyes.

Death is a slap in the face. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE. Everyone, everywhere. Today, tonight, tomorrow, the next day, and so on for eternity. Death is inevitable.

Remembering that assuages my senses. I took a cleansing breath. I'm home alone. My parents are "taking care of the arrangements", my brother is at work. I am here, the unemployed. I have my bowl in front of me, it's packed and I'm smoking. I have a box of tissues at my side and a garbage can on the floor near my desk. I am alone, no one will be here for awhile. Alone and reflective.

I just wanted to share.

Complexity

Today started well. Then I found out my Grandma is dying in the nursing home, ("we're just waiting for the call"). Then I went to the store and bought two Cadbury creme eggs. Oh, and ate them.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm trying to compare: big picture, small picture. Today, next week. Month. Year. No. I don't go that far. I'm taking it moment by moment; just get through the day.

I'm losing weight slowly and I like it. Today I binged. Tomorrow I will not. I have the power. I get to decide. Decide for yourself. Don't ever sit back and wait for it to happen naturally. It doesn't work like that.

Baby, I'm lost. 

Things have been...weird. Too many boys contacting me, too much drama with friends and family (my grandma, my good friend's dwi, everyone being sick, boys). I was sick and am still coughing a bit but feeling pretty good for the most part. Except I'm still without job. Barely two months out of college and I'm panicking.

I'll make you so proud of me.

If I can control my body, I can control my life. If I can be happy with how I look then I can exude real confidence, not the confidence that comes from falsity and faking it. I will be proud of my accomplishment. I love accomplishing things. That's my deal. Now that school is over I feel that my purpose is lacking. Getting thinner is a legitimate goal, and it's more fun to think about then looking for a job.

It's all bullshit.

I am on top of it all. I can do this. YOU can do this. Don't be obese like 34% of Americans over the age of 20.

Think it. BE IT.

xo ~ Sar

2 words

I'm hungry.

It comes in 3's

Hey BlogLand and bloggers and anonymous readers and haters and lovers and smokers and jokers. How are you? I'm shitty! I need to complain for a (brief) minute so here I go: I'm sick and have been all weekend ON TOP OF having my monthly visitor! Oh joy! I love being a woman! Oh, and last night! My car broke down!!! :) :) :)

I'M
SO
FREAKIN'
PUMPED
ABOUT
MY
GOOD
FORTUNE!!



////////not.

I'm sick and tired and lazy and blah and car-less and just about out of weed and job-less and just lost, a poor lost soul who's pouting but thankfully you can't see because you'd probably kick me. And slap me. And I'd like it, because I'm a dirty kinky bitch.


That is all.

P.s. START COMMENTING DAMMIT I'M LONELY!!!!!!

P.p.s. Despite my self pity I managed to have a decent weekend with my friends. Boys and drinks and free shots both nights.

<3

Think thin~
~Sar

Honestly Sar

Living finally caught up; alas, I'm sick. My appetite is gone and my skin is gloriously pale. I'm resting up to go out later and I'll defy the pain with alcohol. I missed partying with my friends last weekend because I was in another state (literally). I'm dying to make up for it with a weekend of awesomeness and bad decisions.

As for the present moment, I took a shot of "day-quill" and smoked a tiny bowl. I am currently forcing myself to eat a bit of honey nut cheerios with almond milk in an attempt to keep my energy up. I'll make some coffee perhaps, and sip it black.

Guess what? Flushed gave me the Honest Scrap Award!! =)

Because I'm so kickass. (So is she).

Without further ado,

10 Random Things About Sar 

1. I dress well and consider it something that makes me stand apart from my friends. I like fashion.

2. I've never taken a women's studies class, but think of myself as a feminist.

3. I had a white poodle growing up. He was the best dog, and when he passed away I wore black heels, a black mini skirt and a tight black short-sleeved v-neck to school, in memoriam.

4. My bedroom at my parent's house is light blue. I love blue. It's a great, relaxing color for bedrooms.

5. I smoked my first cigarette, alone, in the old tree house/play fort in my parent's backyard after sneaking out of the house late at night. That moment marked the beginning of my rebellion.

6. I am somewhat of a hypochondriac. I always think I'm sick and dying.

7. I love to read and own tons of books. Boxes upon boxes :)

8. I've tripped on LSD. Only when I was away at college. Ironic, isn't it?

9. My wrists are the skinniest part of my body. They are tiny, bony things.

10. I enjoy when I have dreams about me having sex. I wake up, recall, and smile.

***

There ya go, some honesty. That was fun. It's always good to identify with oneself. It's imperative that we discover and self-cultivate.

Here's to me fasting my sickness away.

Think thin~

~Sar

The huge snow storm that wasn't

Schools and businesses closed, the ordering of more plows, fear, people rushing to grocery stores for stocking-up reasons...and the result is a big let down. Maybe two inches of the white stuff, not the eighteen being hyped. We heard the worst for days and the big day, today, is a disappointment and I hate when they do that. Fear-mongering makes me sick but I fall for it every time.

In other news, my throat hurts.I'm sitting upstairs with my cat, smoking a little and thinking. I think so much every minute, my brain is always moving around, clashing, and running circles around thoughts around ideas around negativity.

Some days I feel hate, contempt, anger, and annoyance. With myself. With everyone.

Some days I feel...decent. Alive. Healthy?

Every minute of every day is a battle. Do I do the wrong thing? Or the right thing? It all conflicts. 

I'm feeling explanatory today, as if these simpleton words could unpack my data. AS IF. 

I think I'm going to take those pics from last time down. I was hoping for more comments, honestly. Even mean, brutally blunt ones. I was ready for the insults. Another strange let down.

Life is full of that, isn't it? One step forward, nine steps backward. It's tiring. I am still job-less, but that's perfectly expected, seeing as how I've only applied at two places.

*Two*

I need to get on the freaking ball but I'm having a hard time leaving my comfort zone. Help. Any ideas appreciated.

Today:

Honey nut cheerios (no milk) - 300

Apple - 50

Coffee (black) - 10

Baked tortilla chips -70

Guacamole - 110

I'm guessing high, like always. Those cheerios were eaten last night around 1:30 AM. I obviously have to count those in today's calories so I feel like a heifer right now, plain and simple. Thankfully there was only a tiny bit of guac and chips left so no chance of a binge, not like I wanted to binge today. I need to think thinner. This is getting old.

Once I have a job and feel busy but on a routine and normal again, I know life will be better. I just need to cross this bridge of internal struggle. 

Stay strong !! 

~Sar

"Progress"

***

Hey there. I took a blogger break when I hopped on a big silver bird and flew down south. 

But I'm back. I promised you pics and I shall deliver! The sooner, the better! 

I won't make you wait  ~ here's me: 

Pretty gross.

My love handles and belly and thighs are out of control.

But I'm not. I'm in control of my weight. So are you.

Those shots were taken last week. Hope the panties don't offend.

I'm 5 foot 8.

My weight fluctuates therefore I don't get on the scale so any guesses about my "number" would be cherished and read with amusement. 

*

I carefully indulged this weekend but am proud to say I never overdid it. Being thin matters more than eating food for fun, which is a family tradition. 

Hope all is well.

Think thin :)(:

-S

***

Oh hi

I'M ALIVE!

And I'm flying down south this week! I'm going by myself to see my sister and baby nephew and I can't wait to get away from this bitter, bone-chilling cold.

I took some pics of me today, I plan to write a longer post later with them included so you can see my "progress".

I've been counting calories obsessively. I list everything I eat and then add up each day's totals and keep those separate so I have two lists. It feels good to see it in front of me.

Hope everyone is doing well and keeping warm! Can spring be here soon??

Stay Strong!

<3 Sar

Muse

Disadvantages of not eating: weak knees, painful joints, light-headedness, numb finger tips, fatigue, back aches, weird periods, self-consciousness (due to thinking the world revolves around me & my weight loss), isolation, lies, mood swings, "hunger"...

Advantages of not eating: no fat looking jiggly, no turkey arms, no thunder thighs, no double chin, no tummy pooch, no fat ass, thinness...

It's 1:30 on Monday morning. I'm extremely proud to say that I fasted all of Sunday. It makes me feel strong and yet weak. I know I've said this before but it makes me sad to know that I can't be happy without being thin. Being the thinnest girl in the room does wonders for my self esteem.

I need to STAY STRONG!  I can eat tomorrow, but ONLY HEALTHY FOOD. If that. Maybe I'll just continue this fast for as long as possible. I'll let you know.

Think thin! Because nothing out there, nothing you could possibly make, will taste better than THIN feels. When you feel thin you feel heaven.

Much love and peace to you all.

~Sar~

Big black pupils

My eyes can barely see this screen, my pupils are obviously dilated, I'm hyper and it's 9:30 pm. I long to leave this house, so I'm hoping my bff texts me to go grab her mom a birthday present from walmart (the only 24-hour store in this town). Just so I can leave. Just so I can smoke some cigarettes. Why am I freaking out, you ask? Well. I popped an adderall this afternoon, just for the hell of it, just because I was feeling tired and unmotivated. I have had a somewhat busy day but I wish I had this stuff prescribed to me. It's SUCH a good feeling. It feels like ecstasy.

So! Intake today: zero. No food, hardly anything to drink. And damn, yes, it's late. I did good. That's why I love being on this pill. I only took one and it killed my appetite something fierce!

Yesterday I ate, which is probably why I'm fasting. It wasn't a conscious fast though, those are the best. When hours fly by and you're feeling good and then it's evening and you're thinking back and there's nothing, absolutely no food in you. It's a great place to be.

I'm finally all unpacked and have been sending my resume out. I'm hoping to get a job as a legal secretary. I have no law experience but I think it would be fascinating.

The only sucky thing about any kind of upper is that every once in awhile towards the end of it you start to get flashes of normalcy: a feeling of complete sobriety pops up and it's like, "no!". Deep breath. Then the good vibes come back. Come and go, go and come. Damn that sounds dirty.

I had another sex dream last night, this one was me basically seducing/coming on to this scrubby guy. I was all over him and all about sucking his dick. I am guessing it means that I am pretty desperate at this point. I am, but I try not to show it. I play it cool.

I hope everyone is doing well. I am trying not to swallow my tongue here. I know I shouldn't be messing around with adderall but I just love love love the feeling! Maybe I really need it, who knows. Maybe I'll demand ask my primary physician for a script.

Muah! HA! Ha!

Lol ok, time for me to pace my room and listen to some music. I can't get enough of Rhianna and Drake, "What's my name?" -- damn good song! Youtube it!

Be like the skinny hottie in the green! Think thin, lovelies!!

Xo

~Sar

Chill out

Hey thanks for the encouraging, supportive comments on that last post. I thought I'd update because the binge was truly not commonplace, I mean, I've been being really strong and disciplined. Something happened that night though, it was like a flick of a switch.

The next day I woke feeling full, bloated, and fat. I didn't eat for a good 12-14 hours so then when I finally did, it was an apple. Then candy [350] and some chocolate almond milk [120]. This was yesterday. Doing good, doing great, and then my parents both went to bed (never at the same time though, I'm always waiting later for my dad to go upstairs). I busted out of this house and brushed so much snow off my car and left. I smoked while I drove, thinking I wanted food but then *panicking* hardcore about food, with the binge memory near and clear. I was shaking and couldn't drive right. The green could have something to do with this, but the thought of food was hatefully ripping my soul to pieces.

I compromised with myself, ended up at Wendy's, ordered a "value" fries and donated a dollar to Hunter's Hope so now I have these coupons for free fries and frosties from Wendy's. Wonderful.

So that little snack was 220 calories, but my gluttony does not stop there. I drove myself to that 24 hour coffee place and bought a donut at 250 calories. I was so hungry, I really was. I didn't eat anything else once I got home besides some gum [20]. Here's the thing, there is just not a lot of vegetarian food here. It's a good thing, for sure. It's just that my body starts craving sustenance. It sucks. I've lived here two weeks and a pattern might be forming. I don't eat much during the day because nothing here looks or sounds good, so I restrict. But later on, I start getting that feeling in my stomach of real emptiness. I should be embracing it but instead I'm panicking and thinking about food.

What the fuck.

So on a different note, I played wii for a bit today. Wii sports. Good workout! Especially the tennis and boxing :) I need to exercise more for sure, because just doing it gave me a little motivation. I threw a load of clothes in the washer. Some of them had been sitting in my hamper since before Christmas. I haven't done laundry or anything useful really. This has been a somewhat depressing start to the new year. My attitude is alright but my drive to succeed at life is slipping. My point is that exercise helped, even stubborn old me can admit that.

I can't stop listening to "Bridge over troubled water"...what a beautiful, uplifting song.

I keep having dreams about moving. I'm DONE moving...for awhile. I need a job then an apartment. That's the plan. Ok I have a freaking plan and my back hurts from 10 minutes of exercise and I'm sitting here smoking weed and blowing it out a crack in my childhood bedroom window. LOL. Life shouldn't be taken so damn seriously! I have been taking EVERYTHING so seriously lately and I want/need to chill.

It's snowing again. I need to hit up a store for some things for my cat. Take care everyone.

<33

Sar

Ps Think thin duhhh!!!!

(: