well hello

well hello

Monday, September 7, 2009

Fear and Loathing.

I feel like I obsess over food. Glancing back at previous posts I notice that I am always talking about it, describing what I ate, calling things "good"...um this needs to stop. Maybe if I could stop thinking of food I would be able to stop eating altogether. This is my ultimate goal.

Went home yesterday. Didn't binge all day, had two bowls of salad with dinner. My family has clearly picked up on my paranoid habits concerning food. My mom made me a "goody bag" with canned veggies (my fav), fruit cups, soy milk, bananas. That is all fine but then she tossed in a mini bag of cheetos and a bag of mini cheddar rice cakes. When I got back to my apartment last night those were both gone in about 5 minutes. I also ate a total of SIX stuffed shells..STUFFED WITH FATTY CHEESE...three at dinner..three last night. Fat fucking ass that I am.

Wait a second, I'm doing it again. Talking about food, losing my mind. My point here is that she is trying to force food on me, because she thinks I never buy it. The truth is I buy so much food. It is usually binged and purged, or sometimes just thrown away. But I waste a lot of money on this silly mia. I also waste a lot of money on pot, cigarettes, and going out. Vices. Eh. Killer.

I can't think. I couldn't sleep last night. I have been waking up every morning around seven. It is too early to sing at this hour. All I do is feed my cat, surf the web, and go back to bed when I am able.

I am shocked to say that I have hunger pains, but I know that they are an illusion. I am not eating today. I will transition to ana if it kills me. I wanted to purge last night soo bad. I felt the food practically lifting itself up. But I could not do it. I could not bear with the taste of tomato sauce coming back up, it smells awful. (Sorry, gross). So it stayed in. The scale said 135 about twenty minutes ago. I don't know what to think or believe concerning my weight. I weighed myself the other night at K.'s and it said 139 -holy fuck I hope that was off.

Scales and what they read can make a person go crazy.

One good thing? The thinspo surrounding me on campus. Many younger, stick thin girls. Reverse thinspo too, because let's face it, this is America. People are fat. Especially new college kids who dig eating pizza and subs three times a day. Nasty! I am soo glad to be a vegetarian. Meat is gross. Scratch that. Food is gross. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

Let's see how long I last before I am shoving it in my mouth like a person who has starved for years.

Let's fast for Ramadan. Who's in? It doesn't matter what your religion is. Just do it. Stop eating. It is pointless to eat. Eating will not make life better, it will not make you rich, and it CERTAINLY will not make you pretty.

And hey, aren't we all just vain in that sense?

love & peace. think thin.

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