I march to the beat of my own drum. I do what I want, when I want. I called in sick to work tonight, for the first time, for no reason. I am a little fucked in the head. I have been aware of this for awhile now. I haven't seen many friends lately. Or men. I just saw R. at the dining hall, where he apparently works now. We pretended not to see each other. I walked away, to a different part; I turned around to look at him and he was sneaking a peak at me. Gosh, I like this dude. And yet, I'll be damned, I really do despise him.
Out of pure desperation I ate a freakin' veggie panini. Disgust! I haven't purged in about two days, so I am trying not to. I want to. But I can't do it. I don't like the headaches when I do it daily. Spaced out seems better.
I love reading all of your blogs. I just read a really interesting post by Stick thin- it made me want to stop eating junk food. I bought a bag of candy corn yesterday (again). I have been snacking on it. I have ate a lot today, but walked for about 50 minutes all together. I have no fresh fruits or vegetables in my apartment. Only frozen and canned. I must change that. I wish I wasn't afraid to go the store; I don't trust myself to ONLY get fruit/veggies...I will probably convince myself to get an Amy's vegan frozen dinner, or crackers, or candy. It's enough to make me hurl, honestly.
But I'm not going to, dammit. I need to NOT puke. I need to rest and study this evening. I don't want to feel like shit. I am just going to drink lots of water. Fuck this day.