well hello

well hello

Monday, September 28, 2009

Memory motel.

"I'm so fucking depressed- I just can't seem to get out of this slump" -Eminem

This day that was supposed to be good and purposeful has fallen to shit. I am a pathetic waste of life and I hate myself. I was going to go home, and I told my mom, but I kept changing when. Well I woke up today and realized it was all out of the question. I couldn't make myself go out in the rain, couldn't make myself go answer the doctor's cheesy questions, couldn't make my life easier by depositing check in the bank..I am a fuck up, a failure, I hate hate hate hate hate myself. I should have just went. Why didn't I just fucking go? Oh because I wanted to take a nap. Because I got high. Because I am delusional, I thought I would shop today. Gawd// kill me now. PLease.
Sad memory time:
I remember the time him and I got in horrible, terrible, drunk, screaming fight. I remember him driving drunk, getting us lost; my voice was hoarse from crying and screeching but I was so scared he was going to break up with me/leave me that I finally shut up and helped him get us back to my parents house. That night turned even nastier. I remember banging my head against the car window, smashing my palms into the dash, into the side, into him...I wanted pain, NO, I wanted to be dead. My fists clenched, my legs moving in spasms, tears streaming down my fucked up face... I was crazy. He was crazy. I yelled, "kill me, just kill me, please, please just murder me, I want to be dead, I need to be killed, just do it, just do it, pleaseee..." Like I had something to prove, like I was tough, and not just the fucking psycho that I am.

End of memory..it fades to black..it hurts to go back. I am still alive and that is what hurts.

Make it all go away, make this stop. I don't want these heavy, blurry feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, anxiety, depression, repression. I am choking on my own lies now. I want this. I guess I just want to go fucking nuts and get locked up.

Sorry you guys, I just needed to vent. I really, truly need some fucking valium..or help..or something. I don't know what, but I need it soon before I jump.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I totally understand how you felt that day..but you'll totally recover soon. If there weren't moments like those, we wouldn't appreciate the calmed and happy ones.

Take care