well hello

well hello

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Evening Ruminations..

Sad today because I feel my few existing friendships are rapidly coming to an end. Why is this becoming a pattern? I try to be a good friend. I try to smile around friends, and talk like friends do, and be silly. I am serious, but I try to make people laugh sometimes. I used to a lot more, back when I was confident. I am too shy to put my voice out there, nowadays, usually. Even in class sometimes, I am so damn afraid of being judged. The really ironic thing is that I declare in my own head that I don't care what people think. I think I am a pathological liar, or something like it. I don't believe half the shit that comes out of my mouth or mind.

I'm pathetic. I am really feeling down. I took my first test of the semester this morning. I studied a little for it. Not much. As I was taking it, I thought it was going alright. But then I got to the short answer and essay part...I froze. I choked. My mind was blank and my coffee was gone and I had about twenty minutes of class time to finish. I started making shit up to fill the space.

I hope I did decently!! I hope, I hope!!! I won't find out for about a week, unfortunately. I am one of those people who like to know how I did on a test five minutes after completion.

Oh the perfect world I long to live in paints a picture of bliss in my head. Me, skinny, light as a feather and slightly shorter, surrounded by my pick of rich suitors, with bowls of grapes and glasses of champagne placed amongst the scattered, fragrant rose petals. There is peace on our planet and life has turned tranquil in it's contingent hours. More importantly, I am at peace with myself, my life, my family, my friends... there are no negative thoughts poisoning my blood.

Love. Life. Peace. Options. Future. Present. Today. Yesterday. Memory.

What do these even mean?? What is my purpose here? It surely can't be my present existence, for I am lazy and closed off and I blog about bulimia for god's sake.

Why is there guilt? Why am I so intuitive at times, and blind as a freakin' bat others? I need to figure some things out.
Today I ate: 1 biscotti (100 cal) 1 banana (50 cal) 1 black coffee (5) some almonds (80 cal) a pineapple/blueberry smoothie (guessing on the high end - 410 cal) cut up fruit (50 cal) and big offender: macadamia nut cookie (450 cal).

1145 calories for the day. YIKES. I need to step UP!


Flushed said...

Most people lie to themselves, it's like a self (or ego) preservation thing. Sometimes the truth just hurts too much even if it's just a thought-so we change our thoughts to lies to make ourselves feel better.


I wonder the same thing all the time. Like, um, did the universe just put my ass here to battle the evil fatness that engulfs my body? Surely there must be something else!!

There is. I'm pretty sure about this.

This whole bulimia thing-ED thing-while it's not going to go away forever (the ED) you can make a choice to put a lid on it (Bulimia).

I think it's one of those "life lesson" type things. You'll learn stuff during the battle...stuff about yourself and life....y'know stuff

Just try.
That's all.
Just TRY to be the person you WANT to be.

I hope I don't sound all tell you what to do. I mean it as a suggestion as this is my little philosophy and how I live (read: lies I tell myself daily to keep going)

Keep Your Spirits up!

Stick Thin said...

It is hard to have an ed and not feel alone. i know that i become pretty anti social in the worst of my anorexia or bulimia. Its either I'm sick of everyone telling me to eat, or i want to be alone to purge.

But what 'flushed' has said is definitely good advice

feel better